My Good Advice for Zahra

I've always been a slightly critical person AND don't really have a knack for pushing compliments I don't mean. Okay - I probably do, but a) honesty is easier and b) I want you to be honest with me.

Besides - what takes more time away from your life in a response to the following question "Do I look fat in this?"

Saying no takes way more energy because there's always the task of having to convince the fat person you're being sincere (nice)

Say yes and it's over. You're not doing your fat friend any favors letting them go out looking like they just won a pie-eating contest after lunch.

In the cases where your friend truly doesn't look fat you can say no and then rather than plead your case of sincerity simply remind them of all the times you didn't spare their feelings.

Them: Do I look fat in this?

You: No

Them: Are you just saying that?

You: Remember that time I told you that all you needed to do was put a ring through your nose and matadors will be poking you in the neck?

Them: . . . yeah.

You: I'm not here to spare your feelings. I'm here to be a good friend. Now go get me a cupcake as a reward.

ANYWAY - I got to give good ole Zahra some email advice today as to how she should do herself up for an upcoming wedding!

Spit it out, spit it out!!

Yesterday while at work I got to enjoy some cake!

Mmmmmmm!!

Delicious cake! Left over from a birthday party somewhere at the other end of my building. This happens almost daily. Cake cake cake.

Sooooo . . . because I see cake on a very regular basis you'd think I wouldn't go crazy when I see it. We're talking shark-near-chum crazy. My eyes roll into the back of my head, I unhinge my jaw, etc.

Back to yesterday at work. I'm sitting at my lab table getting ready to eat cake with Amber and Troy. While cutting the cake a little chunk fell from the plate and onto a petri dish. I picked it up and ate it. Amber and Troy stared at me.

Chad: What??

Troy: Did you just eat that out of a petri dish?

Chad: . . . ummm . . . no . . .

Troy: I just had tarantula molts in there.

Amber: I just had bedbugs in there

Chad: . . .

It's a fact that your mouth is the dirtiest part of your body (dirtier than even your rectum!) so I feel like my mouth was probably dirtier than that petri dish cake.

In addition to standard bacteria found in the human mouth . . . (**ahem**)

There was the time I was cleaning out storage cabinets at work and found a tea bag and thought "I need to make me some tea!". It tasted like something that would leak from the bottom of your fridge when the power is out.

There was the time I was helping Zahra clean out her purse and found a mini toblerone that she had been holding on to like it was a savings bond. Chocolate probably shouldn't crumble. It should melt in your mouth, not bead up and roll around on your tongue.

Then there was the time Matt and I removed all of the interior from his '72 Beetle. I found a mint in the floorboards and promptly ate it. It fizzed in a hurty way. And Matt looked like he was going to finger sweep my mouth like he was my dad and I was a two year old that was eating a quarter . . .

Heehee.

At least I've moved up to eating old/dirty sweets and left behind my problem of kissing things I shouldn't. Enjoy (while I cringe) exhibits A, B, and C

Dead Squid in a disection lab.

Stuffed Brown Bear in a sports bar in Lodo.

Patrick Casto.*

*(It was St. Patrick's Day - of course drinking was involved)

If I were a betting man . . .

If I were a betting man I'd be living in the gutter eating my own shoes.

This is because evidently I don't have good bettin' instincts.

Case in point:

about 21 minutes ago my brilliant and gorgeous cousin, Melissa sent me a video for a PSA about testicular cancer. I watched it and thought I'd bet anything that this is a bad SNL skit or something . . . Nay nay. In fact, it is a legitimate PSA (one of many) made by CBScares and aired during 60 minutes.

Let's watch!

60 fucking minutes aired this. Did the CEO of CBS recently suffer a stroke? Recently as in while they were pitching this idea?!?!

"Hey guys! You know what's coming up? Valentines Day! And I don't know what says Valentine's Day like a testicular exam!"

As hilarious as I think it is I don't think it was done very well. The marketing people at CBS need some schoolin' from yours truly.

How exactly is grabbing your nuts to check for lumps better for your significant other than a diamond? I think that they should be aiming towards the idea of spending Valentine's Day performing exams on each other!

She gives you a testicular exam - you give her a breast exam!

This could be made into a whole series!!

*Ahem* Marketing people . . . you. are. welcome.

Best Friends: Check each other for scoliosis. Routine exams are the backbone of true friendship!

First Dates: Check eachother for cavities and/or early signs of gum disease. Let them know they're the only sweetie you put in your mouth.

Valentines Day: See above

1 Year Anniversary: Pap smears for your partners. There's one sure fire way to show you love her for what's on the inside.

10 Year Anniversary: Prostate Exam. Give him a gift he'll never forget.

The slogans write themselves!

Better than that - if relationships last long enough you'll probably be the most healthy person on the planet!

Of course - you always risk losing your partner once you utter the words "Honey, I got you something better than a diamond this Valentine's Day. I got you the family jewels."

Trust me - I think I've ended relationships this way.

Except I wasn't refereing to having just given myself a testicular exam exactly . . .

Oooh . . . That's hot!

I realize that, for the sake of good taste, I should have (long ago) written "Chad's Guide to Sexy Art".

Better late than never (or pregnant) - but because we're in a race against time I'm not making a formal guide - rather a short list.

Here is my list of things you should NEVER try to make sexy:

1. Disney Characters

2. Bad people

3. People who are ugly when clothed

4. Dead people

5. Anyone with a prosthetic.

Oh wait - I'm sorry. It looks as though my list is too late.

My bad.

P.S. For anyone thinking "Hades isn't a dead person! He's the God of the Underworld." I must say Seriously? That's what you have a problem with??

P.S.S. And to those same people: judging me and NOT sexy disney villain art means you are a little creepy

P.S.S.S. Even though I just had the thought it doesn't look like Hades' pubes are blue fire . . . hmmmm . . . I maintain that YOU are still the creepy one.

P.S.S.S.S. No, I'm NOT protesting too much.

P.S.S.S.S.S. Shut up.

Junk Mail

I have recently been working on my finances. More specifically I have decided to solve the mystery of I make a decent living so how can I possibly be broke ALL THE TIME?

Answers keep popping up and I have a beautiful example. My email address at mac.com is ending soon and to renew it (like I always do) is $100.

$100! For a service I can get for FREE through gmail - which I totally do now. But I need to be sure I don't lose anything in my switch . . . other than my mind.

Sooooo I've been going through all of my email folders to see if there's anything important. I've found a few things. Among them is the realization that I abuse the email system with . . . well . . . strange things.

Luckily I don't send to the masses, but generally to a couple of people. Which pretty much means Matt.

Here is a little sampling of what Matt's inbox looks like. So sit back and enjoy!

From: Chaddy

Date: May 14, 2010 8:46:27 AM

To: Matty

Subject: I came downstairs today...

To An upset back yard. When they told the butcher they wanted the head

cut off they assumed he would throw it away. But he included it and

now it has to be thrown in a ditch.

I've never seen "dispose of pig head" on a wedding to-do list before.

A pig head.

Mississippi is f*ed up!

***************************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: May 08, 2010 1:31:26 PM

To: Matty

Subject: My rental car

The guy says "I've got an HHR for ya"

And I'm like "what is that? Some kind of form?"

********************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: April 04, 2010 8:54:43 AM

To: Matty ,Lindsey

Subject: Hero Bee (Beero?)

So last summer when I was collecting feral bees with Patrick he got

stung by one

(very funny)

(and kind of sad)

(but mostly just funny)

So I stumbled upon the bee that stung his ho ass and performed it's

necropsy last night.

Poor bee.

See all the entrails dangling out of her stinger hole?

At least she went down in a blaze of glory. Teehee.

********************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: March 31, 2008 3:16:50 PM

To: Matty

Subject: Squid

The whole time I was doing this I was thinking "I'll never question

matt's weird class assignments again! Just make the smell go away!!"

So if you ever question why you have to make a radio out of a rock-

remember that I wonder why I have to know the gonads of a squid by

sight...

(its #5 by the way)

***************************************************

And now for my personal favorite example of the grave importance of my email correspondence:

From: Chaddy

To: Matty, Zahra

Date: March 02, 2009 09:45:16 AM MST

Subject: my morning is full of laughing at the GIS students

wuttup homie?

So - because i'm bored and the only thing keeping me from going to starbucks is that i'm also lazy. (i'm totally allowing myself to go though . . . i haven't gone since last week!) I'm going to give you a play by play of my morning.

1:00 AM

Go to bed after watching hilarious (only to me) episodes of Ren & Stimpy with Heather, followed by Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. *Do you think She and LL Cool J got into a 90s "hip-hop off" on the set? I really hope so.*

6:19 AM

Hate Zahra for sending me text messages regarding a voicemail I left her yesterday. Not even an important voicemail! I just called to tell her that Bob called me while he was taking a dump and told me about it (yes, i hung up)

8:02 AM decide to schlep my way to the bathroom. hate my bladder, still hate zahra a little more.

8:04 AM turn on Sex and the City playlist on my iPod, because showering just seems easier with Cheryl Lynn gargling about how I got to be real!! Also, doesn't everyone feel like they look amazing when getting dressed to fergie?! Let's hope so, my cold sore looks like a plate of italian nachos.

8:15 AM

Open bedroom door to let Sabrina out - accidentally let Heather in. Dancing Heather. uuuuggghhhh. i'm assuming she remembered something important she had to do and THATS why she scurried away - not because of the look i shoot ANYONE who dances into my room before I've had coffee.

8:30 AM

Heather shows off her "earrings" (read: gallstones with hooks) to me. how can someone have such little self awareness??

8:31 AM

Make fun of heather's gallstone earrings. kindly recommend she find another pair.

8:32 AM

Heather refuses to find another pair - she thinks they look GOOOOD! While telling me how she has way better taste than me (really? you're wearing what appears to be an old halloween ninja costume) she accidentally drops a gallstone earring down the sink that i forgot to put the stopper in.

8:33 AM

While telling heather that Lord God, Creator of the Heavens and Earth, ALSO thinks those earrings are heinous I secretly thank Zahra in my head. Several days ago when I asked her if i should put the stopper for the sink in she replied "why?! No!! What are they going to be doing in there? spa facials?! leave it alone so we can go to sonic!"

Zahra is forgiven for stupid text message this morning.

8:45 AM

walk into every room of house with no intent. just bored.

8:50 AM

still bored

8:55 AM

still bored

9:00 AM

remember how Bob wants to borrow my scooter. don't want to let him. how to say no?? hmmmm

9:01 AM

get sidetracked and move from thinking about Bob to thinking about cupcakes. (Do I have a secret stash in the kitchen????)

9:02 AM

HALLELUJAH!! Secret cupcake (and there's more where that came from) in tow, I shuffle to the computer to check if my professor emailed me to tell me that class is cancelled.

9:04 AM

No

9:05 AM

read some weird email addressed to science and technology students. "That's Me and Matt!! Squeeee!"

It's about some rally to conceive of green ways of living. Science and technology suck. Are we the only departments that are hounded by this? At least I get to giggle about the two examples of science and technology majors in my head are also the two biggest contributers that I know to CFCs in the air from classic car (way better than hybrid) pollution. If driving our amazing vehicles is so wrong then why are we exempt from tailpipe emissions bitches?! wooooo!!!

9:07 AM

decide that Matt HAS to read this email! OF COURSE he'll think it's as funny/ironic as i do!!

Matt will probably delete it immediately - I'll copy and paste it in my own email! (seen below). . . .

>LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WITH GREEN TECHNOLOGY

>Attention all science and technology majors!! Here is your opportunity to hear about sustainable and alternative practices in your field.

>Speakers from Colorado Conservation Trust, SWCA Environmental Consultants, and Colorado School of Mines will be discussing topics such as creative solutions in environmental management with GIS and fuel cell technology research in the Front Range.

>

>FREE Food and Refreshments

>

>March 4th 2009 Science 138 11:30-1 pm

>

>Hosted by Metro State Environmental Science Organization &

>The GIS Club of Metro State

9:37 AM

did i really just spend a half hour relating my uneventful morning to a more than likely unimpressed bubeleh? yeah, i guess i did. But I got me a cupcake bitches!!!!

see ya soon

Chad

Lots of Ladybugs . . . or at least another type of Beetle

Most people know that I love Love LOVE my job!

I get to wake up and go to work where I spend anywhere from 8 to 14 hours playing.

I walk around with Jungle Nymphs on my shoulder like they're parrots. . .

Sometimes I have stern talkins-to with tarantulas about boundary issues regarding my iced chai . . .

Sometimes I make fun of children's artwork . . .

(Come on people. This 3rd grader knew exactly what he was doing. I'm counting AT LEAST 3 rim jobs going on here and I think 1 has a little insertion. Sick.)

But I also do work. This year I've been focusing on breeding things that we've never been able to breed in captivity before.

Let's see . . .

Right now I have a species of spider that I need to figure out how to couple without getting

them killed or me sent to the ER

One species of beetle that I can't figure out the right soil composition for the female to lay eggs in.

Another species of beetle that I'm trying like mad to find a second plant the larvae will eat because the first plant, kudzu vine, the USDA won't let anywhere near a US port of entry.

A mantis that needs a temperature about 30 degrees higher than the other animals in the room

And another mantis that needs humidity about twice as high as everyone else in the room.

And while I'm experimenting over and over and failing over and over, guess what happened . . .

the little Blue Death Feigning Beetles from the Sonoran desert - an animal that no one has ever been able to captively breed - has quietly been laying eggs and raising their grubs in a tank right in front of me. This ground breaking thing is happening without my help at all while I can't replicate what others have already done before.

There's a story from Under the Tuscan Sun that tells of a girl who used to hunt for ladybugs and never caught any. Then one day she fell asleep in the grass and when she woke up she was covered in ladybugs.

That's totally me! Except with Blue Death Feigning Beetles. Plus, while the little girl probably kept them in a jar until they slowly suffocated and/or starved to death - I am off to work on publishing.

In yo' face little girl!!

Temperence Brennen is a fucking liar.

For years now Matt has been talking about this 'Bones' show. I've never really cared to watch it - which means I really don't care to hear about it.

I totally do it too, so I'm a hypocrit - but let's get past this and focus on what really needs to be said: If you find a program interesting you will never translate that interest to others by telling them episode plots.

The only way to get someone to love a show with you is to get them to watch it. And the best way to get them to watch it is to get them to feel like they NEED to watch it at least once. The best way to do this? In my case - tell me I remind you of someone on the show.

This has never been a compliment to me. I've been compared to people on tv before and it never fails to anger me. So after years of Matt telling me "so last night on Bones . . . " or "Gina and I were watching Bones . . ." and my just hearing white noise after that my need to see it was finally activated by my horrible friend Josh who spent like three minutes telling me that I'm like someone he referred to as the "bug and slime guy".

I kind of already hate this.

A) oh good. Yet another time that my job has people seeing me as a 2-dimensional bug-loving character. I never NEVER get sick of that. Way to make me feel like there's othing to my life besides a respect for arthropods Josh. I hope I never get fired because I'll have nothing to live for. People will probably see me wandering street corners in ratty clothes looking for rolly pollys (which are technically crustaceans . . .)

B) even though Josh claims this was a compliment - perhaps he needs to read "Chad's Guide to Compliment Giving" that I posted on October 31st of 2009

ANYWAY - so thank goodness Bones is available on my instant Netflix so that I was able to immediately see this person who is just like me.

He is so ugly.

Also, he is a complete a-hole. I don't understand why anyone can stand him. He's snide and that's about it. I suppose he's smart, but he's not funny or charming or anything. He's just a douche that's always cranky. HE is a two dimensional character.

And he is so ugly.

Lets face it - compare me to anyone you want and no matter how painful they are to watch, it won't bother me at all compared to saying I remind you of some ugly guy.

Josh doesn't think he's ugly.

But Josh was backpedaling methinks.

Aside from Hodgins (the ugly bug and slime guy) I kind of dislike several aspects of the show. I dislike the two main characters (P.S. Zooey Deschanel TOTALLY got the looks in the family). I find it a little far fetched that these people are stumbling across decayed remains like all the time. At what point are they going to realize "hey, we seem to stumble upon a lot, I mean a LOT of human remains by accident. Maybe we should start hanging out somewhere else"

The thing that bothers me the most is the lab. Their beautiful lab that looks like a cross between the main entrance to the Louvre and an Ikea. No one has a lab that looks like that. NO ONE.

Hospitals don't even look tht clean and sterile.

Temperence Brennen? You and your lab are a big fat lie. LIE!!

So here's my official opinion of the show Bones:

I think it's phenomenal. Am I going to watch every season? Yes! I love the science behind everything, I love the plot lines, and most importantly I love Zack (word on the street is that after a couple seasons he goes into an insane asylum because he was found to be a serial killer apprentice. Thanks for ruining my favorite character on my new favorite show)

So thank you Josh.

But next time we want to get me to watch a show I've never seen, lets not compare me to someone with bug eyes and a fro . . .