Quick thoughts:

I wouldn't call myself an exhibitionist by any means - but am I the only person that really wants to fly somewhere just so I can go through DIA's bodyscan? Do you think they can give me a printout of my projected naked self?? Hmmmm . . .

In more upsetting news, it's something like 4º outside and cold weather always makes me have to pee. It's a tragic irony that when I come in from the freezing cold and head for the restroom the very LAST thing I want to touch is my junk.

Did I mention that I took a double dose of Benadryl a little bit ago?

Two Movie Reviews Disguised as a Story. Enjoy!

Picture it:

Berlin. September 2010.

Matt has just finished taken a shower and discovered me scratching at the bathroom door . . .

You may be thinking I reaaaaally had to go to the bathroom. You may even be thinking that I just wanted to help Matt towel dry!

But you would be wrong.

I had to get Matt out of the bathroom because we were under attack!

(And by "attack" I mean I SWORE I heard someone trying to break in through the front door. . .)

Matt looked at me like I was a crazy person.

But you know what? I was right to be wary. And here is my proof:

In the past couple of weeks I have watched 2 German . . . well, we'll just call them films.

#1: The Human Centipede

In this story there are two American tourists road-tripping through Europe. Their car breaks down in a rain storm and, rather than change the damn tire, they set of on foot for help. What do they find but a house occupied by a crazy German surgeon who promptly drugs them and brings them down to his lab. In his lab there is already a Japanese man strapped down.

Does this guy have big plans to sew them all together, mouth-to-anus, to create a big human centipede? You bet he does! Before you start to wonder too many things, let me answer all your questions.

Yes, it's gross.

Yes, it's unlikely that the 2nd and 3rd 'segments' would survive for long solely on fecal matter

Yes, there is a scene where the Japanese guy in front can't hold his poo any more and involuntarily craps directly into the mouth of the American chick sewn to his booty. (What makes this worse is the creepy German doctor saying "yesssss. Feeeed her!!")

Yes, Matt and I watched the ENTIRE thing.

My defense: It was a present from my curator because I love scary movies AND it's kind of work related!

#2: Otto, or Up With Dead People

A zombie comes to life in rural North Germany and hitches his way to Berlin to find himself. It turns out this zombie, named Otto, has a whole laundry list of issues other than being dead. He's an antisocial homosexual vegetarian zombie in search of . . . something more.

He meets up with - who else, but two morbid lesbians making - you guessed it! A ZOMBIE MOVIE!! (Guess who just found their star!!) Did I mention that for some reason one of the lesbians is only filmed in black and white and doesn't speak, but has piano accompaniment and old-timey captions? I guess she's a silent film lesbian?

My defense: It showed up on Instant Netflix's new arrivals page. I saw a zombie in an outfit I really liked so I hit play! I guess that'll teach me . . .

Sooooo. See what I mean? Germans breaking into our apartment? AWFUL!!

Matt finding out that it was our landlord's sister stopping by late at night to pick up the rent and I look like a psychopath? EVEN MORE AWFUL!!

At least we didn't get sewn together or have a gay horror-orgy. (tongue kissing AND intestine eating? You pick one or the other! Good day good sir!)

I Certainly Hope I Be Decent. Nahmean?

My friend Lindsey sent me a link recently that made me realize: at first glance we may seem very different, but really we all strive for one thing. One basic human need that is intrinsic in us all even if we don't all express it or realize it. The yearning for sweatpants to go away . . .

This link brought me to a series of "tweets" (God, I hate Twitter) (And anything else that tries to work the word 'tweet' into an audible statement) (Rockin' Robin? I'm talking to you too)

Anyway - it brought me to a series of tweets (gak!) by a rapper named Ghostface Killah. (Yes, It's a stupid STUPID name - but at least it isn't 'tweet')

It seems that Ghostface (I assume that since we have so much in common I don't need to address him as Mr. Killah. We're pretty much best friends in my mind) has had enough of people not putting any effort into their appearance.

Because his message is so valuable - I will translate it here for my non-fluent-in-gangsta friends out there. Lets make my translations yellow . . . you know, so you don't get us confused.

Ahem.

Ghostface says:

A lot of niggas don't know how to get busy.
1:27 PM Nov 3rd via web

I have recently become aware that many of my friends and colleagues are not sure how to take on a suitable appearance

A lot of y'all muthafuckas just throw on whatever whatever whatever and just think thats whats poppin and it's not poppin man.
1:28 PM Nov 3rd via web

Many of you feel that wearing something you would normally wear to bed or the gym is also appropriate for, say, going out for drinks. But it isn't.

Yo when you step out the crib, just make sure you match. Don't be coming outside on some like you Rainbow man or something like that G.
1:29 PM Nov 3rd via web

When you leave your house it is important to coordinate your clothes and accessories. Bold patterns and solids are always a good bet, but NEVER bold patterns mixed.

With mad different colors and shit and your gear ain't proper. You know what I mean? Make sure your swagger is up to par nahmean. You decent
1:30 PM Nov 3rd via web

Remember our motto: Flashy, not trashy. Make sure that you look appropriate for the occasion. Yoga pants are appropriate for YOGA. Flip flops are appropriate for VOLLEYBALL GAMES. Uggs are appropriate for . . . well, nothing. When in doubt ask a friend for advice!

You ain't gotta come out looking all Super Fly and dapper and all that shit but just make sure that your gear you know...that you official!
1:31 PM Nov 3rd via web

It isn't necessary to wear Marc Jacobs to the grocery store, but some effort is appreciated by those around you. Remember - there is a whole array of attire between formal and pajamas. It's called *blank*-casual.

You can take the wackest gear but make sure that gear, that K-Mart gear, whatever you wearing, you official wit it.
1:32 PM Nov 3rd via web

Again, couture is not necessary. But make sure that it's flattering, wears well, and makes you feel good about your appearance.

YOU bringing the steez to it. Nah mean?!
1:33 PM Nov 3rd via web

Style with ease (yes, I had to look it up. Thank you Urban Dictionary)

Make sure your foot game is official. A bitch don't like you to step to her acting like you trying to bag her with your shoes all bent up.
1:36 PM Nov 3rd via web

It isn't flattering to a lady (or gentleman) if she thinks you assume that she is so easily attainable that you can attempt to make advances in battered old sneakers. Make an investment in a good shoe that will last you awhile. Diesel makes wonderful casual shoes and Prada is pricey - but will last you a lifetime!

Or at least if your jeans is fucked up and you got a decent pair of kicks on, you might could be able to pull a bitch. She might go for it.
1:38 PM Nov 3rd via web

With appropriate shoes by your side you can probably get away with less-than-your-best jeans. A lady will overlook a hole in the knee if she sees a strong symbol of pride on your feet.

Your hair cut game gotta be live too.
1:40 PM Nov 3rd via web

Take pride in your hair as well . . .

Just make sure that your cut is good. If your cut is good and your kicks is good, you might could get the bitch.
1:41 PM Nov 3rd via web

A fresh hairstyle and decent footwear can go a long way with your intended romance

A lot of y'all niggas ain't LIVE. Nah mean. Out of 100 niggas it might be like 10 LIVE LIVE LIVE thats SUPER LIVE niggas!

1:43 PM Nov 3rd via web

Many of you are not as dapper as you think. The likelihood that you are as posh as you believe (according to a recent study by Ghostface Killah) is approximately 1 in 10.

The Rest Of Y'all Niggas Is BIRD NIGGAS! Straight Up!
1:44 PM Nov 3rd via web

The rest of you are mere posers. Seriously.

The type of niggas that just get punched in the face all day, robbed all day.
1:45 PM Nov 3rd via web

You anger society that takes offense to you're attitude of "I'm a trendsetter. Look at me wear Ugg boots with short shorts!".

Niggas that was getting stuck for they cupcakes man back in high school, Jr High, taking your Butter crunch man we know about that shit man.
1:47 PM Nov 3rd via web

These individuals most likely developed this arrogance as early as high school or junior high. As a result they may have (rightly so) been the target of bullying. Bullying, and perhaps a few instances of stabbings for any cupcakes you may have on your person. Bullies know how to expose your weaknesses, and that is usually through brutal theft of your cupcakes and/or your Butter crunches. That will take you down a notch.

Like I said, out of 100 niggas it might be like 10 LIVE niggas out of 100 niggas man and which one are YOU nigga. Point it out nigga.
1:49 PM Nov 3rd via web

1 in 10 individuals truly have style, while the rest are delusional. Which one are you, good sir or madam?

and is you sure about that dude!
1:49 PM Nov 3rd via web

Let's reflect on our wardrobe for a moment. Do you have good taste? Really?

Pictures of Your Kids

Yeah.

I'll probably never be that guy that pulls out pictures of my kids to anyone with the faintest interest.

However - I already am that guy that does so with shoes. Something that I imagine my close knit group of loved ones to be very excited about.

For example: Yesterday when Matt was hard at work, getting ready to start his weekend, he was probably very relieved to get this picture message from me:

They match my wiener dog!!

They're my new Matt-inspired shoes. Black and camel pikolinos that pretty much feel like your walking around on a cloud made of buttery leather.

And this? Is why people don't like to give their phone number out . . .

Our Very First Tag!!

My friend Ana from Caffeine and Cocktails has tagged Matt and I. My head has explained it to me in this manner:

Remember that semester in college when you were obsessed with Myspace? This is kind of like all of those quizzes you'd take. Ana tagged you guys. So answer her questions, make up your own and tag blogs you love.

Oooh! Fun! I LOVE answering questions about me!

Because I'm giving Matt a break from Chad (the poor guy spent nearly 300 hours with me attached at the hip with no breaks) I will be answering these exciting questions on behalf of both of us to the best of my ability.

Let's look at Ana's questions!!

1. If they were to make a biopic of your life what would it be titled and who would be casted to play you?

If I were already dead it could have a way cool title - like The Unravelling of A High Strung Kook - but neither Matt or myself are dead it would need an ominous title. Maybe something ironic like Critical Indifference. I like that. I'm critical - Matt is indifferent. It works.

Who would play us? I have a list of people that I think resemble Matty. Starting with Dick York from the early Bewitched years and ending with Jim Carrey in Cable Guy. I've never found anyone that looks like me. I've never been told that anyone looks like me either. I think that due to a lack of options our biopic would have to have me animated. Geez, that's depressing. Everyone likes to be compared to pretty celebrities - so why not me? However - Matt being an actor and Chad being an animation would be Who Framed Roger Rabbit? level of badass!

2. What is your favorite dessert? Be specific.

Hmmmm. That's tough. We're both very inclusive with sweets. So in the spirit of specifics I will go with favorite dessert of the week! Matt is now borderline-stalker-obsessed with Wispa bars. Its a deliciously aerated milk chocolate bar made by Cadbury. Picture chocolate mousse in a candy bar wrapper! (They are exquisite!!)

I, on the other hand, just went back to work and was greeted by a wonderful triple chocolate cake. It was super moist, super sweet, and best of all, super devoted to me. I even ignored the spelling error and saw it as an opportunity to eat as much as I could until the poor English was a distant memory.

Also - how did my coworkers convince a bakery to put a picture of two tarantulas mating on a cake? They're probably still thinking "What the fuck did we just send out into the world?"

3. What's your favorite cocktail, shot, and wine? In that order.

I think we're both beer men. But cocktail wise I will always lean toward cape cods and Matty will most likely take a rum and coke. Shots? I'll take anything that doesn't involve pineapple or coconut. I don't do tropical shots. I think Matt has vowed to stay away from shots since his Old Chicago shot night that ended up being his Old Chicago bathroom head-in-the-pot night. Matt also isn't the biggest fan of wine (I think) - so he probably won't have a preference. That's okay. I'll take his. While I don't love wine either - I am a drunk.

4. What is your favorite holiday? How would you celebrate it?

I have to be honest. I have NO idea what Matt's favorite holiday is. Mine would be Halloween. I love the creepy factor. Jack-O-Lanterns, Black Cats and Skeletons, Wicked Witch silhouettes over full moons? Its the best! Last year I celebrated it by reading to little kids and then I went to a party downtown where I felt like a cheap piece of meat (not complaining!). I totally won a costume contest too! I was the mouse from "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie"

5. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go and why?

Me? I'd go to Dior. Whichever one has the largest section pour homme. (I need fall clothes! Squeee!) (Too gay??) Also - I should mention that the scenario that involves me being able to transport ANYWHERE problem free also comes with an unlimited line of credit and my bill? Does NOT come to me, but is instead portioned out and distributed amongst my exes. Well - now I'm just super depressed that this isn't happening like - tonight!

Matt? Hmmm - I suppose he'd be happy anywhere with food and a bathroom. . .

6. How would you describe your personal style?

We're very similar. If we were chocolate bars Matty would be a Mars bar. I'd be a Snickers - which is a Mars bar with nuts. We both start out with chocolate (casual shoes) caramel (t-shirts) and nougat (jeans) - but I have the little bit extra: nuts. I tend to be more insecure than little Matt so I like to layer a lot more.

Outside of clothes we're still very similar. What I call "vintage modern". Classics with a modern spin. Like shaving with with a straight razor, but using L'Occitane shaving soap. Tooling around town in a 72 Beetle listening to your iPod. Stuff we both do.

Otherwise we are very different. Matt is very balanced and demure. I have violent mood swings and am a *tad* more crass. Matt is independent and conventional. I am emotionally crippled, yet wildly devoted. A combination that makes me very symbiotic on friendships.

7. What do you keep in your Box of "It's Not Going to Work Out"? (Basically, what secrets do you keep from your significant other that may make you look a little bat shit crazy?)

Hahaha! I'm afraid not much. Probably why I'm significant other-less. Because Matt's been married since about the 6th grade he doesn't have any secrets from his significant other because he didn't have much of a past to develop any. I am concerned that one day he will run amuck with an automatic weapon and let his secret desire spill onto police demand lists . . .

8. Tonight you can do anything without worry of cost... what would you do?

Damn. It's 7:30 on a Sunday night. So I can't legally buy anything. I guess that leaves me with malice. I'd probably settle all my scores via vandalism and use my monetary freedom as my parachute! Then I'd order an obscene amount of shit online - because who doesn't love getting packages?

Matt would hire a hitman to rub out his mother-in-law. (And since I'll be in the gettin' even business - I'll be for hire. Cheap.) (What can I say? I'm a good friend!)

That was more exhausting than I thought. I guess its a different story when I'm not trying to kill time between Virology and Analytical Chemistry. I've lost my steam. The GOOD news is that every blog I follow has already been tagged with the exception of two - so I'm tagging The Daily Update and A Writer's Landscape. Hosted by my sweet cousin Melissa and my amazing friend Josheleh, respectively.

So go read away! And continue to read their blogs or I will probably cut you. As you can see from the above answers - I'm both crazy AND hellbent on mayhem.

Physically, I'm Great

On September 26th Matt woke up from a much deserved nap to a half naked Chad bursting at the seams with eagerness.

It was time for Matt to remove my stitches!

Those itchy itchy stitches.

It was phenomenal! Actually, it felt like Matt was flossing my skin, but whatever. I was excited. After I finished mentally congratulating Matt on his surgical prowess I realized that if only all of my problems could be solved with Matt's skilled hands . . .

Chad's 10 Little Things that make him look S-L-O-W while in Europe:

1. No matter how many times Matt forewarns me I will ALWAYS try to pull doors open. Which makes me look like a complete tool. People realize I'm either A) stupid or B) American. Six of one, half a dozen of the other . . .

2. I enjoy drip coffee. Which is kind of like asking for a cup of unicorn in Europe.

Chad: I. Would. Like. Just. Plain. Iced. Co. Ffee.

Barista: Next time you need to ask for Americano.

Chad: NEXT. TIME. I. WANT. AN. AMERICANO... I. WILL.

Although -I've always wondered why they call cafe americanos that. My best guess is that it was created for European coffee shops to try to imitate American coffee. Because they only have espresso and Nescafe -which is dirty river water. But, in their defense - the espresso is A-Mazing. Non of this Starbucks "my machine must pull my shots for me business"

3. While I look both ways when crossing the street - I do it in the wrong order if I'm in London. Which means that while I'm looking left I'm walking right in front of traffic coming from my right and Matt has to jerk my arm out of the socket to save me - like I'm his blind, deaf child.

4. I WILL make a big deal over every Porsche, Volkswagen, Skoda, Fiat, etc. that I see on the road. Which is time consuming because that's all they have. Matt and I saw an Isetta in Wolfsburg Germany and I was basically a drooling puddle of gushing love.

5. When at restaurants I'm conditioned to waitstaff checking on you. Or at least bringing your check. Which means: until I realize that it's time for me to use my pushy set of lips, I'm sitting at a table with empty plates and glasses and the staff is wondering why the hell won't that guy ask for his bill and get out of here?

6. The excitement I clearly FAIL at suppressing when ordering a beer to go with my Royale with cheese at McDonalds makes me look like an insane person.

7. When Matt finds a candy bar he loves that you just can't get in the US - I'm probably going to load up my arms with it to stock up. Do the cashiers see a well intentioned person looking out for the delight of his friend? No. They probably see an slow moving American trying to buy 21 Wispa bars. I think that I? Am a big part of the reason the world thinks the US is over-indulgent.

8. I have been raised in an asphalt world. Which means that when I've had a beer AND my legs are exhausted from walking - sending me out into cobblestone streets is just asking for physical comedy

9. I love me some yellow mustard. The people of central Europe? Don't even know what it is. Neither of us happened to know the German word for 'mustard' which left me telling a waitress in broken German that Matt and I wanted our hamburgers to be more yellow . . .

10. While Matt would prefer to watch the news in our Berlin apartment - I would much rather watch The Nanny dubbed in German. Matt always knew that the second he would take a shower he could expect me to 1st) change the channel and 2nd) interrupt his shower by barging in to give him play-by-plays of plot development. Nanny Fine liebe Herr Sheffield.

Fun with lists!

Hi all! it's been a while since I've blogged, and I've leaned heavily on Chad to keep all the gaps filled-in, but I just started a new job, which brings me to my list of today: jobs I have held...

1. Carnie
2. Grocery boy
3. Applebee's host
4. Grocery night stalker
5. Warehouseman
6. Tire buster
7. Real estate admin
8. Barista (thanks to you Chad)
9. Car salesman
10. Barista at Braun's bar and grill
11. Sam's Club - gas station attendant, electronics sales, and tire busting
12. Sofa Mart - warehouse, routing delivery trucks and delivery driver
13. Race car parts fabricator
14. High-end sculpture awards fabricator
15. Orthodontic Product Designer
16. Real estate admin (calling all those who were in foreclosure)
17. Freelance designer/fabricator
18. Home Depot flooring associate
19. Master Artist at a mannequin manufacturer
20. Warranty department lead

I also have done my fair share of freelance fabrication and repair, and I also helped fix and flip a house. And I suppose you could count 'musician' in there somewhere...

What you got for job lists?