Pizza + Cake + Cotton Candy = Speeches That Write Themselves

Jen Lancaster, one of my favorite authors, likes to put things into timeline form. So because I feel that it is the BEST way to portray this blog entry - I'm totally swiping her style for a moment.

May: My curator at work asked if I would be willing to be a guest speaker at the grand opening of a new sustainable library (I don't know what makes a library "sustainable". Aren't all libraries? They're based on the principle of reuse, after all) Anyway. My topic? Beekeeping.

I say yes.

June: I briefly wonder "when is that speech? I should find out so I can work on it." I then put it out of my mind so I can focus on other things. Things like someone should create a bread bowl out of donut and fill it with pudding! Mmmmmmm. pudding filled donut bowl. :)

July 7: At my staff meeting (you remember: the one where they read The Lorax to us?) It is mentioned that I am giving a presentation on beekeeping on Saturday the 10th. Shit. The 10th of JULY? As in . . . 3 days from now? Shit.

July 8: I am REALLY going to write my speech . . . after I finish helping my sister move. And do laundry. And watch Psycho. And procure an apartment in Germany for September. And pass out at Martha's house after eating 6 pounds of buttered noodles.

July 9: I NEED to write my speech.

9:00 am: But first I promised Chelsea I'd help organize to make room for the stuff we had moved the day before.

3:00 pm: I also need to try to fix Chelsea's garage door (unsuccessfully)

4:00 pm: . . . and work on my Volkswagen (UNSUCCESSFULLY) and have a small breakdown.

7:00 pm: Drive to Boulder with Zahra to drop off Ophelia, the tarantula I've been babysitting while her awesome tattoo artist mommy is out of town. Awesome tattoo artist mommy got me a spider totem necklace. Squeee!!! Bad mood - going away! Squeee^2!!!

8:30 pm: Call Matt to apologize for his having to deal with my small breakdown.

8:32 pm: Matt didn't answer. Call Lindsey to tell her that I'm a shit for unleashing my misdirected fury at poor Matty.

8:35 pm: Move on to a detailed description of the hobbit across the alley from me who is sitting at his computer naked (except for a pair of very large glasses and VERY unkempt body hair) with the blinds wide open.

11:00 pm: I've opened my notebook. Step one!

11:01 pm: Decide I need some background noise. Cabaret is appropriate. It takes place in Berlin, which will inspire me to get all my stuff done before I leave in 2 months.

1:00 pm: Go to bed. After watching Cabaret and not writing down a single thing. I'll do it at work tomorrow . . .

July 10, 8:36 am: show up late to work. No one really notices (cares) because we have our 15th Anniversary carnival all weekend.

11:00 am: Eat blue cotton candy.

11:30 pm: Eat two pieces of pizza

12:00 pm: Eat chocolate cake

12:30 pm: Breed tarantulas

1:00 pm: Eat two more pieces of pizza

1:05 - 3:00 pm: food coma.

3:00 pm: cockroach races.

3:45 pm: one hour until my presentation. Scramble to write an outline of honey bee facts I already know well

4:00 pm: Leave for library opening.

4:45 pm: Give my half hour presentation. (It was OUTSTANDING, by the way)(My audience was something like 10 people)(I knew 3 of them)(Still OUTSTANDING)

5:30 pm: Try to escape super creepy ginger little man who is pestering me with his questions and telling me that he'll see me again. Yeah, stalking is illegal in all 50 states sir. What am I? Some novice apiarist whore? Sure. But I still have standards.

5:50 pm: Call Matty to tell him how amazing I am with my public speaking skills. He laughs at me when he finds out the size of my public. I let him because I was a douche yesterday.

6:00 pm: Decide to blog about my procrastination skills.

6:01 pm: Decide to actively ignore the irony that I was right on top of writing about my procrastination skills.