Tit for Tat

One of my favorite expressions is "tit for tat" - the dictionary defines it as "retaliation in kind" and lets face facts, people . . . I'm all about retaliation. Sometimes the "in kind" part gets blurry for me and I tend to get carried away. You know - if someone sticks their tongue out at me maybe I'll punch them in the nutsack.

What I absolutely love about retaliations is that you can get started on them immediately, unlike flat-out revenge, which I find is best to wait out as long as possible. This way, not only is not not seen coming, but you can plan out your revenge perfectly and wait for the absolute best time to strike! I'm still waiting for the right time to exact revenge on my ex-roommate, Kitch. But I'm very patient and that bitch? is a whole new topic.

I've digressed, haven't I? Now where was I? Oh right!

Retaliation in kind.

I think I'm getting totally better at it, and I have the BEST example. But we have to go back a year . . .

Matt's creepy, creeeeeepy boss (who just LOVED getting fisted in the ass by his leather-clad girlfriend, again - a whole new topic) wanted Matt to come see him play in his "band" at some back woods shindig. Matt, knowing that his boss was super creepy didn't want to go alone so he asked if I'd go too.

He said he'd owe me one and the next time I had some awful obligation he'd accompany me. Little did he know that all he had to say was "wanna come watch my boss . . . " Yes! I don't care what it is. The man gets fisted for fun- I'm not missing this trainwreck! Wooooooooo!!! (but I totally played it cool)

We found ourselves driving to the middle of nowhere in Northeastern Colorado and pulling up to this creepy old farm. Now, I love doing new things and meeting new people and going strange places - but I remember promising myself that if I heard banjo music I was going to lock myself in the car. I saw Deliverance!

It was so awkward. I've been caught performing lewd acts in the front seat of a moving vehicle by a Denver cop and I remember thinking "At least I'm not back at that farm!"

There isn't really a series of events that I can string into a story, so I'll just say picture the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and replace the killing with bad folk music. I was really uncomfortable and jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo. But I'm still here! Squeeeee!!!

Anyway - my retaliation came shortly after. But first - some backstory!

I grew up on a farm until the age of 7. We had horses and dirty water and a white trash hick lifestyle - but no money. So when we lost our farm the horses were all sold off except Embar, who we sent to live in North Dakota, where my Grampa lived. Embar had a foal and my Grampa named him Joker and put him in my name (I'm still suspicious as to why . . .)

Okay - up to speed? Glad you're still with me.

Last year, shortly after Matt's boss didn't kill us and make gimp masks from our skin - I got my Embar and Joker out of North Dakota and back in Colorado. By now Embar was old for a horse and the trip gave her nasty colic. Because sweet little Chad can't afford a very expensive surgery for a horse who may or may not die soon anyway - I set up a time to have her put down. (Here comes my retaliation!) I called Matt and made him drive to Longmont with me at 4 in the morning so we could meet the vet and do our business at our scheduled time of 5. That's 5 am. I don't know what the hell this guy's problem was - you have to be one sick bastard to get out of bed at 5 just so you can kill something. Anyway, he was late . . . like 2 hours late. It's now 7 am and I've already been up and waiting in a cold barn in November for 2 hours. And Matt is right there with me. (What a trooper!)

Eventually the vet

got there. We stood back while he walked up to Embar with an injection of Drano or whatever and we watched as she eventually collapsed to the floor.

Now, I've never even seen a cat put to sleep - so equine euthanasia was a bit much for me. She's standing - and now she's on the floor of her stable. Dead. Very sad day for Chaddy.

I think what I made Matt deal with was worse than what he made me endure - but Matt had a good time playing with this creepy cat while we were waiting for the vet. So I figure - tit for tat.