Friday, May 7, 2010

Deep South or Bust

My dear, dear friend, Natalie is getting married. In Mississippi.

I'm leaving tomorrow for a 9 day stay on a plantation in Centerville located about 45 minutes North of Baton Rouge - or as I call it: Wyoming with humidity and sweltering heat.

How have I prepared for my trip?

Well, I was thinking about purchasing a white suit and black string bow tie to look over the grounds - but it would be incomplete without a white goatee (and I just can't accomplish that in time). So Matt assisted me in the next best thing: a quick visit to KFC.

I normally don't eat KFC, it gives me horrible projectile vomit nausea. But this is research!

I figured I'd better order the 'Double Down' - a bacon & cheese sandwich. Oh, except instead of bread there are two pieces of chicken. I opted for original instead of grilled. I'm eating a sandwich from a place with a deep fat fryer. I'm not about to pretend that I'm there for "grilled" anything. In fact - if you could then deep fry my made sandwich that would be great.

It was.


Matt had already had said sandwich except he had them add beef. The drive-thru girl called him gross. Look lady - you work in a KFC drive thru! Maybe you aren't the one to be passing judgement.
Now he finds himself at KFC again. With his best friend. Ordering the same thing. He used this opportunity to mention to the girl taking our order - that a drive-thru employee called him gross.

Cashier: I remember that! That was Stephanie!

Now, I feel the need to express my mind for three reasons. A) I'm practicing my intolerance for opinions other than my own in preparation for my Southern stay B) I have kind of a big mouth anyway, and C) fuck Stephanie!

Chad: (to Cashier) Incidentally, could you tell Stephanie that she's fat??

(I've never seen her - but calling someone fat gets to anyone with anything less than a level of self-confidence bordering on stupidly annoying)

Cashier: (Somewhat taken aback) Well, she is pregnant!

Chad: Could you call her a slut as well?

(totally watching them make my sandwich now)

There. I have successfully made a stranger uncomfortable by opening my trap, acted like the past 100 years of cardiac health research has never happened, and may or may not have ingested trace amounts of saliva from a white-trash pregnant woman whose last name may or may not exist.

I am ready for the South!!

(Actually . . . it wasn't all that different from a normal day for me.)