Saturday, October 31, 2009

Chad's Guide to Compliment Giving

The 2 Cardinal Rules

1. When giving a compliment the first rule is that the compliment MUST be believable. If not, the giver just looks like a tool with some unknown motive. Maybe they pity the recipient? Maybe they want to get something in return like cash, sexual favors, or Harvest Moon with a cinnamon and sugar rim? Regardless. No one is better off after an unbelievable compliment. There’s also the possibility of the compliment maker-upper will NEVER be believed again.

Let’s have an example,

ONE of the following compliments will result in flattery. Can you guess which one?

A) “You remind me of this hot girl I had a crush on in high school”

B) “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen”

If you answered A then you are correct! Even though it is the less flattering of the two, the fact that it isn’t over-the-top makes it believable and has potential for blushing!

Yes, this particular compliment would make me roll my eyes, but I’m also HEAVILY cynical. Yes, I’d have an easier time believing A than B, but either way – I think you’re a fool. But the goal here isn’t to make me NOT think you’re an absolute boob, but to make me believe your compliment!

Let’s go back to a compliment I received in the past from my friend Zahra - “You look like a young Marlon Brando”. Young Marlon Brando? Really? One of the largest sex symbols of the 20th century and I look like him? If there were even a remote resemblance don’t you think I would’ve heard that before? At least once? If I’m comparable to someone of this stature than why am I single, eating my way through a box of Wal-Mart cupcakes on weekend nights? Not only do I not believe this trash, Zahra has succeeded in reminding me of how much I don’t, in any way, resemble a sex symbol . . .

*** A supplement to Cardinal Rule 1: Trying to make a wild compliment more believable by adding an unfavorable twist? Never a good idea. The recipient will focus only on the negative. “You look like Jean Harlow if she wore no make-up and sweat pants.” Notice how the “Jean Harlow” aspect is utterly forgotten, while the “No Make-up and Sweat Pants” seem to be screaming out at you? This has gone from “Potential Compliment” to an insult that says “Are you trying to give the impression that you’ve given up or are you just THAT trashy?” It’s still there, isn’t it! NO MAKE-UP! SWEAT PANTS!!!

2. When giving a compliment, it must be considered a compliment to both parties. You may think something is extremely flattering while the other person will think “what an ass face”.

Let’s have a short scenario. Lets say there’s a girl who has a fetish for astrophysicists in wheelchairs. (Hey! Who am I to judge?!) She would think that Stephen Hawking is H-O-T. A Brief History of the Universe is like porn thanks to the photo of the author![1]

Yet, if this girl were to approach a guy and say – “you are giving me a bigger panty puddle than Stephen Hawking” - her mark would simply think: “bitch”

Let’s take a look back at the latest gem I’ve received: “You look like Yul Brynner”

Yul Brynner? Wait! YUL BRYNNER?!?!?! Fuck you!

Christ! Now not only am I pissed, I have to make a conscious effort to never be seen with a lollipop in my mouth or I could be compared to Telly Savalas[2] next! I don’t care if he did nude modeling in his early career. Ron Jeremy has done porn! This does NOT make him hot.

A Brief Summary

In short, I think the motto to live by when attempting a compliment is: “Don’t shoot for the moon – because if I miss (which is certainly going to be the case) I won’t land among

the stars – I’ll look like a tool and no one will want to be my friend.

Also – unless you are ABSOLUTELY positive that your compliment can, in no way, be an insult to the intended person – keep it the hell to yourself![3]

[1] Why does he even bother having photo sessions? Ick. This is the PERFECT example of how someone can have insane book smarts and absolutely NO common sense.

[2] Go ahead, look him up – I’ll wait . . .

[3] Yul Brynner. Are you fucking kidding me?!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Bacon Bra

I don't think we have nearly enough breakfast meat-based undergarments, do you?

Weiner Dogs can be such Weenies

First thing this morning I got an email from my best friend, Matt.
"Ooooh!" I said, as I was catching up on what's been going on with him in the day and a half since I last saw him. What took me by surprise was the end of his email. hehe.

"Dogs keep eating their own feces.
Talk to you later.

Hmmmmm . . .

Definately the first time I've encountered this closing, but what's very sad was my reaction. Far from the expected "Uhhhhh . . . gross!" I found myself thinking "You're so lucky! At least they clean up after themselves!" (Could this be considered Matt starting to get his wish from the previous post?!?!)

My mind drifted to my own bundle of joy - my weiner dog Eva. She's so adorable and always in my face. Let's face it, if she was any less cute I can't promise I'd be willing to take her outside to go to the bathroom 47 times a day. This number would be doubled if she would ask to go out when she needed to - but no. I also get to clean up weiner dog poo from the only 10 square feet of carpet in my house. Sometimes she does this immediatley after she went to the bathroom outside.

I've come to realize that weiner dogs are just high maintenance poop dispensers. Even worse, she's a smart poop dispenser. She's taken the opportunity of the snow outside to do some thinking and it's finally dawned on her. "It's very cold outside. If I go in here it'll be cleaned up immediately and I can get on with my business that much faster"

Why can't she eat her own feces? WHY?!
Ah, yes. She's German. A sadist who enjoys inflicting misery on others and then watching. I'm half German too, though - so I can't hold it against her. In fact, it's kind of cute.

For now, she's lucky that she's the perfect accessory for my hilarious lederhosen at Oktoberfest.

This is Matt and I at Oktoberfest in Denver with our weenies, Olive and Eva.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Eva shouldn't be surprised if I go out for a pack of cigarettes one night and she never sees me again.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Security, in deposit form

Hi, I'm Matt, I will be sharing this blog authorship with my best friend Chad.

Have you ever been at home alone so long that you start to have real conversations with your pets? Sure I can call family - they are at work, or I can call one of those late might date lines - that'll go over well with my spouse. So easier to just talk to the animals. I figure we as pet owners go through years and years of feeding, bathing, walking, and scooping, we might as well get something else in return.

For example: I have 3 small dogs and 2 cats, that's a lot of work. I figure that between the 5 of them, one of them (or a team) could figure out how to make me dinner once in a while. I ask Olive, my 1 year-old wiener dog if she wouldn't mind throwing together a simple meat loaf, salad and mashed potato dinner (like the one you'd always see in a Garfield comic strip). Once a year, that's all I'm asking. I mean if dogs can be trained to sniff out illegal drugs in a high school, why not train them to make creme brulee, or do the dishes?

Or I ask my cat Oreo if he wouldn't mind giving me a full-body massage for once - I pet him everyday, think he cold return the favor? No, he would rather shred the woodwork in my crappy rental condo. So much for the deposit.

I guess this is what I get for being out of a job, home alone, talking to my pets. Look on the bright side, I haven't started to talk to the furniture yet.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A (seriously needed) Guide to the First Kiss

This is, what I have come to realize, my much needed advice for my fellow boys, and pushy girls when it comes to the potentially awkward first goodnight kiss . . .

First - I have some very brief suggestions - start off with very light tongue (think "bigfoot footage" elusive tongue). Then you can match the tongue your partner is using! Remember fellas - you can always add more tongue, but its MUCH harder to have someone forget that you were the guy (or girl) that tried to impale their neck with a slimy, bumpy muscle. (***sidenote: this rule can hit a snag if the other person is employing the same method of "testing the waters". Hey - I don't have all the answers. Let me make some consultations and I'll get back to you)

Okie. With that pesky lame "technique" shit out of the way we can move on to my real subject . . .

The Evaluation:
Hehe. It seems to me that a lot of guys tend to skip this first step, preferring to rather create an embarassing moment that will make you look like a tool. You need to ask yourself "Is there anything telling me that my date doesn't want me to kiss her/him/it/what have you". You know what I'm talking about.
Did you try - perhaps on several occasions to - oh, I don't know . . . put your arm awkwardly around your date's shoulder only to have them sidestepping quickly away. If this is the case, maybe don't make a move.
It's actually pretty rare that you find someone that will agree with your thought process of "My date doesn't want to be near my sweater-clad forearm? I'd better take it slower and use my mouth . . . you know. Like a toddler. Everyone loves the way a toddler acts and probably wants to be in a romantic scenario with one. Maybe I'll make poopie later!"
Not gonna happen dickhead

The Approach
Hahahahaha. By NO MEANS grab someone's head, tilt it, lean in, and then say "uhhhh . . . can I kiss you?"
This leaves you open to a wildly embarassing moment if they actually say no. Haha. Trust me, they say no.
Also - you need to know that if you pull something like this? Oh yeah, they're calling their friends on their way home and laughing at you. Even if they said they wouldn't - they are. Trust me on this too people!
What happens (when they call their friends) is the start of a snowball effect. They have to then explain why they said no. This is the time where any and all flaws - even the most human flaws - will be scrutinized, indexed, and eventually laughed at."

"His shirt wasn't tucked in?!?! Good thing you didn't kiss him!" is what a good friend will say. If you luck out and they end up talking to a friend who defends you - they'll hang up and call someone better. But chances are, they know ahead of time exactly who they need to get ahold of to make fun of you. (Come on - you do too. Admit it)

Here's the deal. Either have the balls to kiss your new girl, boy, badger, whatever with confidence OR ask beforehand with class. Either way is extremely more appropriate than a weird attempt at both, resulting in neither.

All this being said - I should address "non-date" first kisses. This is a whole other topic, but I'll just breeze through quickly for now. Use you're best judgement. Or if you're one of those people that doesn't seem to have it - ask a friend for THEIR best judgement. Not necessarily the same friend that laughs at people that get shot down when trying to kiss you. This is the friend that gives you advice, you don't take it, and then later (perhaps after a dose of penicillin) wish you had. You know you have one of those too . . .

I'll leave you with two real life scenarios of recent first non-date kisses. You determine the good from the bad

Scenario #1: After accepting assistance from a "pot peddling neighbor" or two, to your front door because you are very drunk. Do you think a alcohol induced, cigarette riddled kiss with a small time drug dealer is appropriate? How about the next day? Even if you're called every synonym for attractive beforehand??

Scenario #2: After meeting a classmate to study, work on a paper, whatever it was - you arrive at their house and as they show you around the house they steal a quick peck on the lips. Really not bad since you liked them. Do you let this one slide because you totally wanted it? Do you perhaps haul of and slap them across the cheek (definately shouting "fresh!" at them - lets face it. I just really want to see someone do it!)

You decide kiddies.

(This post is especially for my friend Lindsey - totally who I call when I need to make fun of someone!)

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's okay to laugh at those less fortunate when they're asking for it

My new obsession - one I've been indulging in since I stumbled upon it 22 hours ago - is laughing at people in the personals.

It's an excercise in feeling great about yourself! Take it from me.

This activity should go right up there with workout routines and makeovers in terms of boosting your self confidence.

First of all you get to laugh at people guilt free. Why? Because they are coming to you and, without shame, saying "yes, I really am this desperate." They are not only making a public show of themselves, but more importantly - they are showcasing the delusions that they are entertaining AND publishing their new and improved list of impossibly low standards.

Go ahead! Look!
I'll give you a head start . . .

Where I fell into my "feel good" sport of the week was craigslist. One can only look at car parts and exciting career prospects for so long before you start scanning the other topics.
I glanced at the list of personals. m4f, f4m, m4m, mf4f, mmffm4mmfmmffmd, etc. . . . boooooring. Wait. What is this "Missed Connections" business? Perhaps I will click!

Oh, I clicked. And I didn't stop clicking for HOURS!!! I opened up a world that I had no idea could be so entertaining!! It's funny because it's sad really. What are the odds that these people will really have a response from who they're actually looking for? The fact that they are comfortable enough with these odds (read: "What are my other choices?") that they'll expose themselves to people like me, sitting in my chair, with pity riddled drool dripping from my giggling mouth.

Just for fun I'll give you an example of what you can find and what it'll really mean!


Would Love to Help You With Your Melons, M4F
(oh, yeah! you already get a taste of the class from the headline!)

I saw you at the grocery store on 136th and Zuni Wednesday night. You were wearing a blue tanktop and flip-flops. I was wearing a demin shirt with cut-off shorts. I thought you were checking me out because we ended up in the same aisle a few times. Did you feel the connection?

Now lets analyze this a bit. What can we laugh at? The fact that some guy has not been flirted with in SO LONG that he can no longer recognize it?!? Yes. The fact that he has hit a new level of socially awkward by posting a personal ad instead of confronting his beloved when he had the chance. Absolutely! I'm sure Casanova could've come up with a real smooth line like "Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you walked past me in the cereal aisle and now bam! here we are again. Together in the produce section. Coincidence? maybe . . . maybe not . . . "


I guess the moral of my story is that some people put themselves in a public stockade of shame. It's our duty as normal people to laugh at them in hopes that they mend their stupid ways. If that doesn't curb your guilt, just remember - not only do they not know you're laughing at them because you're safe on the other side of your computer screen - but more importantly they don't know you're laughing at them because their level of self awareness has reached the lowest level possible. Trust me.

OH! If you need one more little push, after you've read your 5oth post you'll start to imagine that at some time in your life someone posted a missed connection about YOU. You can never be completely sure that the opposite is true and, best of all, thanks to your ignorance of your missed connection you are still creepy poor-man's-stalker free!!