Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me

So convinced, Kermit the frog is, that someday he'll find it - the rainbow connection - that he sings about it with banjo accompaniment.

That's pretty much how I feel right now. Only replace rainbow connection with the reason why John Paul hates me . . .

John Paul is this (fat) guy I kind of work with. I work in curatorial. He works in education. We don't have to deal with each other much but we do have to interact from time to time.

We used to be tight. "Buds" if you will. Then a few weeks ago for no reason known to me - he hates me.

Step 1: Confrontation.

Chad: What the hell is your problem John Paul?!
John Paul: (Rolling. His. EYES!!) You're too sensitive.

Then this jerk off turns and walks away from me.

Later . . .

I walked into one of our back rooms to find a fellow zookeeper and a 13 YEAR OLD volunteer with looks on their face that can only be described as "I just walked in on my grandmother whipping my grandfather while he was wearing a gimp mask."

NOW, I recognize the look as "Chad just opened the door just as John Paul (who is now behind the door) called Chad a fucking cunt."

Step 2: Tattle Tale on John Paul to my boss.

Chad: I don't know what his problem is - but that is absolutely uncalled for in front of a sweet 13 year old volunteer.
Mary Ann: I agree. I'll talk to him. Meanwhile just don't do anything to antagonize him.
Chad: Of course I won't!
Mary Ann: . . .
Chad: What?!
Mary Ann: Didn't you just describe him as "Jell-O with a belt"
Chad: Not to his face
Mary Ann: You did it over the loudspeaker.
Chad: . . .
Mary Ann: . . .
Chad: Well, when he sits down its takes five minutes for the whole mess to settle.
Mary Ann: . . .
Chad: Since when is his weight problem MY fault?!

Step 2 (Part 2): Tattle Tale on John Paul to his boss.

(I should mention that this was a completely normal circumstance and I acted the way I'm expected to.)( I should also point out that if I weren't pissed at John Paul I would have utterly overlooked the following.)

Chad: Hey Marcos. It's not that big of a deal. But whoever (John Paul) worked in the exhibit the past week hasn't been returning the animals. Not just that - they've been locked up and the key is missing. Whoever worked (again, John Paul) must have taken it home on accident. 5 nights in a row. I'm sure their fine - but they need food and water. . .
Chad: About a week. I don't want to get anyone in trouble (pfft. Haha.) but I just want to make sure their okay.
Marcos: I'll take care of it.

Step 3: Denial of Cake.
My work just had its 15th Anniversary carnival. It came with games, events, bouncy castles and enough leftover cake to play soccer on. (Mmmmmm!!!) Now we all scuttle off to the breakroom for our secret stash of cheap, sugary sheet cake.

Mary Ann: Should we go tell John Paul we have cake up here?
Chad: No. He probably wouldn't want any. I think he's on a diet. And I for one think he looks great!
Marcos: Didn't you just say that they shove him through the Eisenhower tunnel once a month to clean it?
Chad: . . .
Mary Ann: . . .
Marcos: . . .

What? If the prick's gonna hate me I may as well give him good reason :)


  1. Chadeleh... THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! Why can't I write comedy like you. Although... I don't think you're exaggerating one bit when retelling this amazing tale of war. STUPENDOUS! I must say. Thank you for making my night a wondrous comedy, after a day of broken. You'll know about it later. ::sigh::

  2. I laughed so hard I cried...and maybe peed a little...