Saturday, November 20, 2010

Two Movie Reviews Disguised as a Story. Enjoy!

Picture it:

Berlin. September 2010.

Matt has just finished taken a shower and discovered me scratching at the bathroom door . . .

You may be thinking I reaaaaally had to go to the bathroom. You may even be thinking that I just wanted to help Matt towel dry!

But you would be wrong.

I had to get Matt out of the bathroom because we were under attack!

(And by "attack" I mean I SWORE I heard someone trying to break in through the front door. . .)

Matt looked at me like I was a crazy person.

But you know what? I was right to be wary. And here is my proof:

In the past couple of weeks I have watched 2 German . . . well, we'll just call them films.

#1: The Human Centipede
In this story there are two American tourists road-tripping through Europe. Their car breaks down in a rain storm and, rather than change the damn tire, they set of on foot for help. What do they find but a house occupied by a crazy German surgeon who promptly drugs them and brings them down to his lab. In his lab there is already a Japanese man strapped down.

Does this guy have big plans to sew them all together, mouth-to-anus, to create a big human centipede? You bet he does! Before you start to wonder too many things, let me answer all your questions.

Yes, it's gross.

Yes, it's unlikely that the 2nd and 3rd 'segments' would survive for long solely on fecal matter

Yes, there is a scene where the Japanese guy in front can't hold his poo any more and involuntarily craps directly into the mouth of the American chick sewn to his booty. (What makes this worse is the creepy German doctor saying "yesssss. Feeeed her!!")

Yes, Matt and I watched the ENTIRE thing.

My defense: It was a present from my curator because I love scary movies AND it's kind of work related!

#2: Otto, or Up With Dead People
A zombie comes to life in rural North Germany and hitches his way to Berlin to find himself. It turns out this zombie, named Otto, has a whole laundry list of issues other than being dead. He's an antisocial homosexual vegetarian zombie in search of . . . something more.

He meets up with - who else, but two morbid lesbians making - you guessed it! A ZOMBIE MOVIE!! (Guess who just found their star!!) Did I mention that for some reason one of the lesbians is only filmed in black and white and doesn't speak, but has piano accompaniment and old-timey captions? I guess she's a silent film lesbian?

My defense: It showed up on Instant Netflix's new arrivals page. I saw a zombie in an outfit I really liked so I hit play! I guess that'll teach me . . .

Sooooo. See what I mean? Germans breaking into our apartment? AWFUL!!

Matt finding out that it was our landlord's sister stopping by late at night to pick up the rent and I look like a psychopath? EVEN MORE AWFUL!!

At least we didn't get sewn together or have a gay horror-orgy. (tongue kissing AND intestine eating? You pick one or the other! Good day good sir!)


  1. While Germans do so many things right (Cars, Food, Beer, etc)... they do movies all WRONG! Thank you for saving me from having to poke my eyes out!

  2. As traumatized as I am by the video pictures I'm still forced to point out a grammar issue. Maybe you did not see your error.

    Matt has just finished taken (shouldn't this be taking) a shower and discovered me scratching at the bathroom door . . .

    Sorry, you know its just the teacher in me.

  3. Haha. You're right. It should be 'taking'. I know this is karma for all those times I correct Josh and say "actually 'bugs' only refers to one order of insects, and is not all encompassing."

    Lets just hope no one else notices. . . hehe

  4. Throughout the duration of the Human Centipede, I was watching for this "Feed her" scene, and I never saw a scene where there is clearly shit consumption going on! when the "head" of the centipede dies, he should have evacuated his bowels into her mouth, but again, no clear sign of a girl being forced to swallow shit! I guess I would have done it differently, or maybe it was just too subtle for me to notice. . . .