Monday, October 26, 2009

It's okay to laugh at those less fortunate when they're asking for it

My new obsession - one I've been indulging in since I stumbled upon it 22 hours ago - is laughing at people in the personals.

It's an excercise in feeling great about yourself! Take it from me.

This activity should go right up there with workout routines and makeovers in terms of boosting your self confidence.

First of all you get to laugh at people guilt free. Why? Because they are coming to you and, without shame, saying "yes, I really am this desperate." They are not only making a public show of themselves, but more importantly - they are showcasing the delusions that they are entertaining AND publishing their new and improved list of impossibly low standards.

Go ahead! Look!
I'll give you a head start . . .

Where I fell into my "feel good" sport of the week was craigslist. One can only look at car parts and exciting career prospects for so long before you start scanning the other topics.
I glanced at the list of personals. m4f, f4m, m4m, mf4f, mmffm4mmfmmffmd, etc. . . . boooooring. Wait. What is this "Missed Connections" business? Perhaps I will click!

Oh, I clicked. And I didn't stop clicking for HOURS!!! I opened up a world that I had no idea could be so entertaining!! It's funny because it's sad really. What are the odds that these people will really have a response from who they're actually looking for? The fact that they are comfortable enough with these odds (read: "What are my other choices?") that they'll expose themselves to people like me, sitting in my chair, with pity riddled drool dripping from my giggling mouth.

Just for fun I'll give you an example of what you can find and what it'll really mean!


Would Love to Help You With Your Melons, M4F
(oh, yeah! you already get a taste of the class from the headline!)

I saw you at the grocery store on 136th and Zuni Wednesday night. You were wearing a blue tanktop and flip-flops. I was wearing a demin shirt with cut-off shorts. I thought you were checking me out because we ended up in the same aisle a few times. Did you feel the connection?

Now lets analyze this a bit. What can we laugh at? The fact that some guy has not been flirted with in SO LONG that he can no longer recognize it?!? Yes. The fact that he has hit a new level of socially awkward by posting a personal ad instead of confronting his beloved when he had the chance. Absolutely! I'm sure Casanova could've come up with a real smooth line like "Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you walked past me in the cereal aisle and now bam! here we are again. Together in the produce section. Coincidence? maybe . . . maybe not . . . "


I guess the moral of my story is that some people put themselves in a public stockade of shame. It's our duty as normal people to laugh at them in hopes that they mend their stupid ways. If that doesn't curb your guilt, just remember - not only do they not know you're laughing at them because you're safe on the other side of your computer screen - but more importantly they don't know you're laughing at them because their level of self awareness has reached the lowest level possible. Trust me.

OH! If you need one more little push, after you've read your 5oth post you'll start to imagine that at some time in your life someone posted a missed connection about YOU. You can never be completely sure that the opposite is true and, best of all, thanks to your ignorance of your missed connection you are still creepy poor-man's-stalker free!!


  1. It's like we both needed pickle relish and ramen noodles...fate.

  2. My personal fave : "To the the guy spankin it on the highway...My forerunner totally saw inside your subaru. I thought maybe you were shaking a penis is so small! I wouldn't be whipping it out in public mister!"