Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A (seriously needed) Guide to the First Kiss

This is, what I have come to realize, my much needed advice for my fellow boys, and pushy girls when it comes to the potentially awkward first goodnight kiss . . .

First - I have some very brief suggestions - start off with very light tongue (think "bigfoot footage" elusive tongue). Then you can match the tongue your partner is using! Remember fellas - you can always add more tongue, but its MUCH harder to have someone forget that you were the guy (or girl) that tried to impale their neck with a slimy, bumpy muscle. (***sidenote: this rule can hit a snag if the other person is employing the same method of "testing the waters". Hey - I don't have all the answers. Let me make some consultations and I'll get back to you)

Okie. With that pesky lame "technique" shit out of the way we can move on to my real subject . . .

The Evaluation:
Hehe. It seems to me that a lot of guys tend to skip this first step, preferring to rather create an embarassing moment that will make you look like a tool. You need to ask yourself "Is there anything telling me that my date doesn't want me to kiss her/him/it/what have you". You know what I'm talking about.
Did you try - perhaps on several occasions to - oh, I don't know . . . put your arm awkwardly around your date's shoulder only to have them sidestepping quickly away. If this is the case, maybe don't make a move.
It's actually pretty rare that you find someone that will agree with your thought process of "My date doesn't want to be near my sweater-clad forearm? I'd better take it slower and use my mouth . . . you know. Like a toddler. Everyone loves the way a toddler acts and probably wants to be in a romantic scenario with one. Maybe I'll make poopie later!"
Not gonna happen dickhead

The Approach
Hahahahaha. By NO MEANS grab someone's head, tilt it, lean in, and then say "uhhhh . . . can I kiss you?"
This leaves you open to a wildly embarassing moment if they actually say no. Haha. Trust me, they say no.
Also - you need to know that if you pull something like this? Oh yeah, they're calling their friends on their way home and laughing at you. Even if they said they wouldn't - they are. Trust me on this too people!
What happens (when they call their friends) is the start of a snowball effect. They have to then explain why they said no. This is the time where any and all flaws - even the most human flaws - will be scrutinized, indexed, and eventually laughed at."

"His shirt wasn't tucked in?!?! Good thing you didn't kiss him!" is what a good friend will say. If you luck out and they end up talking to a friend who defends you - they'll hang up and call someone better. But chances are, they know ahead of time exactly who they need to get ahold of to make fun of you. (Come on - you do too. Admit it)

Here's the deal. Either have the balls to kiss your new girl, boy, badger, whatever with confidence OR ask beforehand with class. Either way is extremely more appropriate than a weird attempt at both, resulting in neither.

All this being said - I should address "non-date" first kisses. This is a whole other topic, but I'll just breeze through quickly for now. Use you're best judgement. Or if you're one of those people that doesn't seem to have it - ask a friend for THEIR best judgement. Not necessarily the same friend that laughs at people that get shot down when trying to kiss you. This is the friend that gives you advice, you don't take it, and then later (perhaps after a dose of penicillin) wish you had. You know you have one of those too . . .

I'll leave you with two real life scenarios of recent first non-date kisses. You determine the good from the bad

Scenario #1: After accepting assistance from a "pot peddling neighbor" or two, to your front door because you are very drunk. Do you think a alcohol induced, cigarette riddled kiss with a small time drug dealer is appropriate? How about the next day? Even if you're called every synonym for attractive beforehand??

Scenario #2: After meeting a classmate to study, work on a paper, whatever it was - you arrive at their house and as they show you around the house they steal a quick peck on the lips. Really not bad since you liked them. Do you let this one slide because you totally wanted it? Do you perhaps haul of and slap them across the cheek (definately shouting "fresh!" at them - lets face it. I just really want to see someone do it!)

You decide kiddies.

(This post is especially for my friend Lindsey - totally who I call when I need to make fun of someone!)

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