Tuesday, June 8, 2010

In Terms of Douchebaggieness . . .

My writers block is a Kanye West. (Who scores somewhere between Kevin Federline and George Bush on the Douchebag continuum)

I'm trying to finish writing a scientific research article for publication.

For those of you who have never had the opportunity to do so . . . don't.

Writing scientific b.s. is a pain in the hooha. Remember in school when you had to write long LONG essays about stuff you just don't care about? Remember how agonizing it was? If you were like me you found yourself trying SO HARD to get through it.

I recall a high school discussion and debate class I took. My teacher gave us an assignment and I don't know what it was. It's not that my memory is bad - more likely I didn't know what the assignment was at the time. All I remember is that instead of showing up and giving a presentation like the rest of the class I created a 1 page flier to pass around to everyone illustrating my point.

"Save the Binturong" was my subject.

To make my assignment even more questionable? My "work" (1 page flier) didn't even really contain any information. I believe I had pictures of Golden Age film stars to whom I gave dialogue bubbles to promote the binturong.

Me: Why, hello Mrs Gibson. Here's my assignment!
Mrs. G: What is thi- - -
Me: I hope you notice that it's on time this week!
Mrs. G: This is just a picture of an animal.
Me: It's a binturong. I'm campaigning to save it.
Mrs. G: Is that Marilyn Monroe next to it?
Me: Yes. Yes, it is. She really takes this issue to heart.
Mrs. G: " . . . a binturong is a girl's best friend?" This isn't - - -
Me: And you? Are welcome!

Yeah. I'm not sure how I graduated.

To make matters worse. This assignment? (Or as I like to call it: My Binturong Debacle) was a team project! That means I was able to find someone just as motivated as myself to do as little work as possible! (Cue my cousin, Melissa. Laziness must be in our blood.)

I think we were hoping that our teacher would think we were suffering brain damage. Perhaps from a gas leak at home. And give us pity Cs.

I think she did.

ANYWAY. That's the same level of motivation I'm having right now.

I spent almost 2 years doing research. With recent news relating directly to the topic of my article this is the perfect time to submit. AND if I don't there's always the risk that I'll be "scooped". That means that someone will print my findings before I do. Because I'm unmotivated. Also - I think because I just used the word "scooped" I am an Ashlee Simpson (Who falls between Victoria Beckham and Kevin Federline on the douchebag continuum).

Well, I suppose I should get back to what I was doing . . . looking around my apartment trying to determine which of my inanimate furnishings like me the least. (I think it's the chair in the corner.)

Wish me luck.

**Cousin Melissa, if you should happen to read this would you help me come up with a plan? This is for publication, so we're going to have to pull out the big guns. I'm thinking it's shoebox diorama time.


  1. Chadly, I think you've handled this appropriatly. Submit your blog and your note on your findings from my facebook. Technically under copywrite law you've published your information. Ha, you don't even need to waste a good shoe box or get out any glue. As for the binturong assignmnet, after we submitted our "paper" there were several "Jocks" (Mike Kuhl) who tried the same thing, and if I remember correctly it didn't work out so well for them.
    I love it soooo much...but seriously good luck.
    If you need the boys said they'd send you their TV microscope for motivation.

  2. Alright, Chad, listen up. I don't know how harsh these words need to be, or if they'll even work against the unending torrent of procrastination that has befallen you. YOU MUST WRITE THIS ARTICLE! You're published, which has been my dream for, oh, 14 years or so... And was does a published author do once they're published? WRITES MORE TO GET MORE PUBLISHED! I don't care if it's hard or boring or stupid or too smart or whatever. If I don't see you FINISH THIS ARTICLE... there will be consequences. Yes, major consequences that will certainly affect your state of mind. I'm sorry to say, but I think I have that power. I believe I control something you have invested quite a bit of your time and happiness in. I don't want to have to put that on the table here, but I won't rule it out.

    I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you MUST do this... And if this doesn't help you, delete the comment and I'll try another tactic.

    Now I understand writers block. Boy howdy do I. If you're having issues writing it, put the information in a folder, take a printed out copy of what you've started, put it in a light backpack and take a walk. Around the mall, in a park, up the street a few blocks... Just walk and don't think about it. When you feel like sitting down, do so and pull out everything and just look at it. No pressure. But when you do sit down, you will take everything out and look it over. Perhaps you might feel a tug of inspiration whispering in your ear, pulling at your hand to write something.

    And when you've finished writing it out, I'll keep my promise. I'll help you edit it and make it flow better or whatever you want me to do with it. I'll make sure Grace keeps her end of the bargain too. You have so much support around you because we know you have the wit and know-how to get this article published. You're brilliant and no one is questioning that. We all want you to have the public acknowledgment for your brilliance. NOW GO MAKE US PROUD, HAPPY, AND INSPIRED!!!

  3. And by the way, Chadeleh, you're not a douchebag! You're way to good, cool, fun, loved, and smart to be a douchebag. So there...

  4. Procrastination is a wonderous thing. Those people that can sit down and focus on the task at hand regardless of how uninteresting it might be are the types of people I want no part of! The ADD sufferers are the most entertaining people on earth. I say this because, well, I feel that I suffer from it occasionally and what better way to give myself kudos than to just come right out and do it.

    If someone perchance does end up scooping you, we would - of course - read it and trash every word. We would lament that the writer is an absolute idiot and find flaws with everything about the article. Because that is what friends do for each other. We insult others.

    I have recently come to the healthy conclusion that the world is full of douchebags and they seem to be multiplying at a rate similar to that of rabbits. Did you know that a pair of rabbits in one years' time can have upwards of 100 bunnies? Then those bunnies have bunnies and so on and so on.... If you think about it, that's a lot of douchebags.

    I don't know how I got here, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that those that love you (myself included) have faith in you and we know you will get done what needs to get done. You'll do it Chad-style and it will be perfect.

    I love you and want to sit and chat with you soon. Starbucks in the near future? I'm buying. :)

  5. I'm thinking it should be an epic film presentation. Something along the lines of green haired troll looking vikings, burning ships, beautiful damsels in distress jumping overboard into the waves.

    After all, you do have experience in this type of presentation.

    Auntie Gwen