Itching like a dirty dirty whore

Recently I went into a dermatologist's office to have some 'suspicious moles' looked at as recommended by my friend Natalie.

Actually my friend Natalie, an oncology nurse, didn't exactly say I should have them looked at. We were in Mississippi (read: drinking heavily in the deep South) when she starting scanning our friend, Heather and myself.

"Jezzussshh! Youu sshould reaally have thozze looked attth!"

With advice like this I could've said I wasn't concerned, but I'd risk drunk Natalie trying to scoop them out with a potato peeler and some vodka. So I just promised I would.

"Ohhh Naaataliiieee. Offf coouuursshe I willl . . . "

This is how I found myself in Denver Dermatology at 11:45 when my appointment was scheduled for 11:00. Keep in mind this is a dermatology office. Not an emergency triage. There wasn't a line ahead of me. I was the only person IN the waiting room. Well . . . eventually a burly woman who I referred to as "Clark" in my own head arrived around 11:15. When Clark was brought back after a 10 minute wait it occurred to me that the front desk staff - who I have dubbed "The Dream Team" - forgot about me. How the FUCK you forget about someone who is sitting RIGHT in FRONT of you is beyond me.

Anyway. . .

An hour after I arrived I was brought back and given a body scan (humiliating) and then had 2 punch biopsies taken. Martha accompanied me to the dermatologist's office for A) morale support and B) her credit card because I? decided to cancel my health insurance to pay for my gym membership (which I no longer go to). While I'm being given the local anesthetic Martha strikes up a conversation with my medical assistant, Yolanda. They were cooing over the pros and cons of getting your eyebrows tattooed (slightly less humiliating).

Did I take pictures of me getting my body scanned by doctor awkward touch? Yes. Did I send them to Natalie AND Matt? Yes.

Doctor Awkward Touch and Sharpie Eyebrow Yolanda stitched me up after removing two pieces of my chest meat that looked like bloody cigarette butts. So now I have to reschedule a time to have the stitches removed.

Back at the front desk the Dream Team is trying to reschedule me. I have 3 days off every week and they're all weekdays. It shouldn't be that hard.

"Yeah." Miss Dream Team smacked her gum while talking "It's going to be hard. Because you have to come in two weeks from now to have your stitches out so the skin doesn't overgrow."

Okay. I can do any Monday, Thursday, or Friday. Just pick a day and I will be here.

"Yeah. Ummm . . . but nobody's going to be in the office because of labor day so we can't do Monday."

Be that as it may - I gave you a window that represents 60% of your business hours. You can find a space.

"Yeah. I'm going to have to check with my office manager because nobody's going to be here. Because of Labor Day."

Labor day is in ONE week. So when I come back in TWO WEEKS it shouldn't matter. Unless, of course you people get like 10 days off for labor day.

"Shoot." Blowing bubbles with her gum. "Did I get the wrong week?"

**********

So today when I got a message from Miss Dream Team saying that my biopsy showed abnormal cells I needed to schedule a biopsy.

I swear to God. I will kill this girl.

I know these cells were 'abnormal' hence the BIOPSY that you're calling with the results to. The results, I might add, that you have yet to give. Did I hear cancer or cancer free come out of your gum smacking mouth? Not yet!

So now I have scheduled a biopsy to see if there's any danger in the cells that they found abnormalities on in my first biopsy.

Does your head hurt yet?

If it's any consolation, that's nothing compared to how Miss Dream Team's head will hurt after I hit it with my shoe until bubbleyum starts leaking out of her ears.

AND my stitches itch so bad I'm sure that people at work think I have scabies. (the humiliation just doesn't stop.)