Friday, October 1, 2010

Physically, I'm Great

On September 26th Matt woke up from a much deserved nap to a half naked Chad bursting at the seams with eagerness.

It was time for Matt to remove my stitches!

Those itchy itchy stitches.

It was phenomenal! Actually, it felt like Matt was flossing my skin, but whatever. I was excited. After I finished mentally congratulating Matt on his surgical prowess I realized that if only all of my problems could be solved with Matt's skilled hands . . .

Chad's 10 Little Things that make him look S-L-O-W while in Europe:

1. No matter how many times Matt forewarns me I will ALWAYS try to pull doors open. Which makes me look like a complete tool. People realize I'm either A) stupid or B) American. Six of one, half a dozen of the other . . .

2. I enjoy drip coffee. Which is kind of like asking for a cup of unicorn in Europe.
Chad: I. Would. Like. Just. Plain. Iced. Co. Ffee.
Barista: Next time you need to ask for Americano.
Although -I've always wondered why they call cafe americanos that. My best guess is that it was created for European coffee shops to try to imitate American coffee. Because they only have espresso and Nescafe -which is dirty river water. But, in their defense - the espresso is A-Mazing. Non of this Starbucks "my machine must pull my shots for me business"

3. While I look both ways when crossing the street - I do it in the wrong order if I'm in London. Which means that while I'm looking left I'm walking right in front of traffic coming from my right and Matt has to jerk my arm out of the socket to save me - like I'm his blind, deaf child.

4. I WILL make a big deal over every Porsche, Volkswagen, Skoda, Fiat, etc. that I see on the road. Which is time consuming because that's all they have. Matt and I saw an Isetta in Wolfsburg Germany and I was basically a drooling puddle of gushing love.

5. When at restaurants I'm conditioned to waitstaff checking on you. Or at least bringing your check. Which means: until I realize that it's time for me to use my pushy set of lips, I'm sitting at a table with empty plates and glasses and the staff is wondering why the hell won't that guy ask for his bill and get out of here?

6. The excitement I clearly FAIL at suppressing when ordering a beer to go with my Royale with cheese at McDonalds makes me look like an insane person.

7. When Matt finds a candy bar he loves that you just can't get in the US - I'm probably going to load up my arms with it to stock up. Do the cashiers see a well intentioned person looking out for the delight of his friend? No. They probably see an slow moving American trying to buy 21 Wispa bars. I think that I? Am a big part of the reason the world thinks the US is over-indulgent.

8. I have been raised in an asphalt world. Which means that when I've had a beer AND my legs are exhausted from walking - sending me out into cobblestone streets is just asking for physical comedy

9. I love me some yellow mustard. The people of central Europe? Don't even know what it is. Neither of us happened to know the German word for 'mustard' which left me telling a waitress in broken German that Matt and I wanted our hamburgers to be more yellow . . .

10. While Matt would prefer to watch the news in our Berlin apartment - I would much rather watch The Nanny dubbed in German. Matt always knew that the second he would take a shower he could expect me to 1st) change the channel and 2nd) interrupt his shower by barging in to give him play-by-plays of plot development. Nanny Fine liebe Herr Sheffield.


  1. How I love reading about your adventures. Did the german Nanny voice sound high pitched and nasal?

  2. More yellow burgers - hahahahahaha!

  3. Oh my god... I can't stop laughing!!! "Chad: I. Would. Like. Just. Plain. Iced. Co. Ffee!" Hahahahahahaha!