Monday, April 19, 2010

Ready to Eat My Own Shoes

Last night I received a phone call from my friend Lindsey. She asked what I was up to- I said I was reading.

Reading The Mists of Avalon. After we discussed how both of our Arthurian knowledge includes Disney's Sword and the Stone and Monty Python and The Holy Grail - but not much else, I gave her my take on the book:

I think it's fantastic. It's very interesting - in the same way that Wicked is an interesting counterpart to The Wizard of Oz. And I loved Wicked (Actually - the book was more political than what I wanted - but the play? Amazing!)

Then I asked Lindsey what she was had been up to . . .

She just got back from Boston. While there she had the most spectacular breakfast of her life. Sweet potato fries, pumpkin pancakes, etc.

This is around the time that I went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and it was triggered solely by Lindsey's food talk.

I gave her a ranting supplement to my minutes-old Mists of Avalon review.

The book is around 900 pages long and I'm somewhere in the early 200s. And I am starving.

What the hell is wrong with these medieval times people?!?! Every other page is something like "my handmaiden brought me a dinner of bread and honey", "I broke my 3 day fast with some dry bread and cold water", "I barely ate the bread and cured meat I had in front of me"

These people? Are eating like they're in prison. Not like - US prison, but like North Korea prison!

I'll start reading and by the time I've finished 2 pages I feel faint from hunger.

Lady of the Lake? You have the ability to mix all kinds of herbs and shit for healing potions, yes? How is it that you can't conjure up an iced tea?

If you saw the calculating nature of most of the characters you'd be left wondering - but you never figured out how to make a hamburger?!?!

Take your bread and put your cured meat in the middle. You are on your way!

Yesterday while on break from work I ran across the street for a delicious iced tea. What did I get? Sweet tea!


I still choked it all down though, because I was desperate! I now have to consume anything edible that crosses my path because I don't want to starve to death while reading this book!

"Bread and honey" for dinner. What the hell is wrong with you people?

By the way - I'm noticing that this is like a solid carb diet. I have a feeling that the table wasn't the only round thing in King Arthur's court.

I told Lindsey that I will be happy if (at least just once) Lancelot and Guinevere sneak away and just binge themselves on corn on the cob that's dripping with butter and salt.

Lindsey's response: Well, they didn't know about corn yet.

Suck it, Lindsey

***By the way - if anyone is in the mood for an awesome fantasy story that won't make you gaunt - I full heartedly suggest The Changed Earth by J Hart F at ***


  1. Ok... After I recover from my fit of laughter...

    THANK YOU Wholeheartedly for the shout out there! I really appreciate it!

    And in regards to the "Mists of Avalon": it's a spiritual thing that they don't eat meat. You'll see later how heavy meats and others are 'toxic' to them. And the fasting they go through is to help them connect with the powers that be: the Gods, their own spirits, the power of the people. It's all very religious.

    Yes, the book makes me hungry too... but then I wonder what it really was like back then and if it was necessary to fast like this. Or if it was completely spiritual for the ones born of Avalon, the Earth, etc.

    Hmmm...Now I think I'll have Ethan and Charles fasting... Gotta find a good reason now.

    Teehee. I hope you're truly enjoying the book!