Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Saving the Planet One Fat Bee-otch at a Time

I nearly witnessed a death today.

Was I scared? Yes.

Did I love it? Totally!

Picture it: Starbucks. 4 hours ago. This awful woman comes barreling in with an empty cup and a full figure.

While I was awaiting my wonderful green tea my friend Karen re-greeted the heinous big-assed woman.

Karen: Uh oh! Was something wrong with your drink?
Jabba: Yeah. I spilled it on the floor of my truck.
Karen: Oh, no! Let's get you another one!!

Sweet Karen turned around to throw away the cup and get another when the biggun' squealed

Jabba: NO!! I wanted you to RE-USE that cup!
Karen: Oh, that's okay. I can get you a new one that hasn't been on the floor.

Even though Karen is being very sweet, the snow cow is still ready to burst a greasy artery in her neck.

Jabba: I hate waste
(Yeah, lady. We can see that.)
Karen: Well, if you can waste a drink I can waste the cup!
(I couldn't decide if I should give Karen a mental high five or a lap dance in the middle of the store.)
Jabba: But the cup isn't biodegradable.

Shut. Up. Bitch.

Maybe preach about conservation when A) the person you're acting snide towards isn't doing you a favor by replacing a drink that you couldn't keep in the meat hook you call a hand and B) when I'm not angry with the environment for trying to bury me alive in snow.

I give presentations every day at work (with a microphone and EVERYTHING!) about conservation and protecting the environment. You know who I don't need a lecture from? This woman that looks like John Candy tooling around in her big rig.

Because I was sure Karen was distraught (after all - it probably sunk in that global warming is all her fault) Chelsea and I decided we should make a snowman on Karen's behalf to protest global warming.

With the snowman acting as our "Global Warming Sucks" reminder the biggun' can drop the stick up her ass and pick up a glazed ham . . . I know she's been wanting to . . .


  1. pretty much everything is biodegradable - it just takes a long time. Dumb lady

  2. wanna talk about Carbon footprints? how about the amount of solid waste made by Americans who eat their weight everyday (btw Chad/Matt did you see the article about the woman trying to become the world's fattest to be in Guinness BOR? And that has to be one of the best snowmen I've seen! with a flower on his lapel and everything! simply gorgeous (what did you use for the eyes?)

  3. . . . "I just don't buy into all the diseases that come with overweight people" . . . (prove that body fats sinks into the brain, a quote by the woman mentioned in above comment)