Oooh . . . That's hot!

I realize that, for the sake of good taste, I should have (long ago) written "Chad's Guide to Sexy Art".

Better late than never (or pregnant) - but because we're in a race against time I'm not making a formal guide - rather a short list.

Here is my list of things you should NEVER try to make sexy:

1. Disney Characters

2. Bad people

3. People who are ugly when clothed

4. Dead people

5. Anyone with a prosthetic.

Oh wait - I'm sorry. It looks as though my list is too late.

My bad.

P.S. For anyone thinking "Hades isn't a dead person! He's the God of the Underworld." I must say Seriously? That's what you have a problem with??

P.S.S. And to those same people: judging me and NOT sexy disney villain art means you are a little creepy

P.S.S.S. Even though I just had the thought it doesn't look like Hades' pubes are blue fire . . . hmmmm . . . I maintain that YOU are still the creepy one.

P.S.S.S.S. No, I'm NOT protesting too much.

P.S.S.S.S.S. Shut up.

Junk Mail

I have recently been working on my finances. More specifically I have decided to solve the mystery of I make a decent living so how can I possibly be broke ALL THE TIME?

Answers keep popping up and I have a beautiful example. My email address at mac.com is ending soon and to renew it (like I always do) is $100.

$100! For a service I can get for FREE through gmail - which I totally do now. But I need to be sure I don't lose anything in my switch . . . other than my mind.

Sooooo I've been going through all of my email folders to see if there's anything important. I've found a few things. Among them is the realization that I abuse the email system with . . . well . . . strange things.

Luckily I don't send to the masses, but generally to a couple of people. Which pretty much means Matt.

Here is a little sampling of what Matt's inbox looks like. So sit back and enjoy!

From: Chaddy

Date: May 14, 2010 8:46:27 AM

To: Matty

Subject: I came downstairs today...

To An upset back yard. When they told the butcher they wanted the head

cut off they assumed he would throw it away. But he included it and

now it has to be thrown in a ditch.

I've never seen "dispose of pig head" on a wedding to-do list before.

A pig head.

Mississippi is f*ed up!

***************************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: May 08, 2010 1:31:26 PM

To: Matty

Subject: My rental car

The guy says "I've got an HHR for ya"

And I'm like "what is that? Some kind of form?"

********************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: April 04, 2010 8:54:43 AM

To: Matty ,Lindsey

Subject: Hero Bee (Beero?)

So last summer when I was collecting feral bees with Patrick he got

stung by one

(very funny)

(and kind of sad)

(but mostly just funny)

So I stumbled upon the bee that stung his ho ass and performed it's

necropsy last night.

Poor bee.

See all the entrails dangling out of her stinger hole?

At least she went down in a blaze of glory. Teehee.

********************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: March 31, 2008 3:16:50 PM

To: Matty

Subject: Squid

The whole time I was doing this I was thinking "I'll never question

matt's weird class assignments again! Just make the smell go away!!"

So if you ever question why you have to make a radio out of a rock-

remember that I wonder why I have to know the gonads of a squid by

sight...

(its #5 by the way)

***************************************************

And now for my personal favorite example of the grave importance of my email correspondence:

From: Chaddy

To: Matty, Zahra

Date: March 02, 2009 09:45:16 AM MST

Subject: my morning is full of laughing at the GIS students

wuttup homie?

So - because i'm bored and the only thing keeping me from going to starbucks is that i'm also lazy. (i'm totally allowing myself to go though . . . i haven't gone since last week!) I'm going to give you a play by play of my morning.

1:00 AM

Go to bed after watching hilarious (only to me) episodes of Ren & Stimpy with Heather, followed by Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. *Do you think She and LL Cool J got into a 90s "hip-hop off" on the set? I really hope so.*

6:19 AM

Hate Zahra for sending me text messages regarding a voicemail I left her yesterday. Not even an important voicemail! I just called to tell her that Bob called me while he was taking a dump and told me about it (yes, i hung up)

8:02 AM decide to schlep my way to the bathroom. hate my bladder, still hate zahra a little more.

8:04 AM turn on Sex and the City playlist on my iPod, because showering just seems easier with Cheryl Lynn gargling about how I got to be real!! Also, doesn't everyone feel like they look amazing when getting dressed to fergie?! Let's hope so, my cold sore looks like a plate of italian nachos.

8:15 AM

Open bedroom door to let Sabrina out - accidentally let Heather in. Dancing Heather. uuuuggghhhh. i'm assuming she remembered something important she had to do and THATS why she scurried away - not because of the look i shoot ANYONE who dances into my room before I've had coffee.

8:30 AM

Heather shows off her "earrings" (read: gallstones with hooks) to me. how can someone have such little self awareness??

8:31 AM

Make fun of heather's gallstone earrings. kindly recommend she find another pair.

8:32 AM

Heather refuses to find another pair - she thinks they look GOOOOD! While telling me how she has way better taste than me (really? you're wearing what appears to be an old halloween ninja costume) she accidentally drops a gallstone earring down the sink that i forgot to put the stopper in.

8:33 AM

While telling heather that Lord God, Creator of the Heavens and Earth, ALSO thinks those earrings are heinous I secretly thank Zahra in my head. Several days ago when I asked her if i should put the stopper for the sink in she replied "why?! No!! What are they going to be doing in there? spa facials?! leave it alone so we can go to sonic!"

Zahra is forgiven for stupid text message this morning.

8:45 AM

walk into every room of house with no intent. just bored.

8:50 AM

still bored

8:55 AM

still bored

9:00 AM

remember how Bob wants to borrow my scooter. don't want to let him. how to say no?? hmmmm

9:01 AM

get sidetracked and move from thinking about Bob to thinking about cupcakes. (Do I have a secret stash in the kitchen????)

9:02 AM

HALLELUJAH!! Secret cupcake (and there's more where that came from) in tow, I shuffle to the computer to check if my professor emailed me to tell me that class is cancelled.

9:04 AM

No

9:05 AM

read some weird email addressed to science and technology students. "That's Me and Matt!! Squeeee!"

It's about some rally to conceive of green ways of living. Science and technology suck. Are we the only departments that are hounded by this? At least I get to giggle about the two examples of science and technology majors in my head are also the two biggest contributers that I know to CFCs in the air from classic car (way better than hybrid) pollution. If driving our amazing vehicles is so wrong then why are we exempt from tailpipe emissions bitches?! wooooo!!!

9:07 AM

decide that Matt HAS to read this email! OF COURSE he'll think it's as funny/ironic as i do!!

Matt will probably delete it immediately - I'll copy and paste it in my own email! (seen below). . . .

>LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WITH GREEN TECHNOLOGY

>Attention all science and technology majors!! Here is your opportunity to hear about sustainable and alternative practices in your field.

>Speakers from Colorado Conservation Trust, SWCA Environmental Consultants, and Colorado School of Mines will be discussing topics such as creative solutions in environmental management with GIS and fuel cell technology research in the Front Range.

>

>FREE Food and Refreshments

>

>March 4th 2009 Science 138 11:30-1 pm

>

>Hosted by Metro State Environmental Science Organization &

>The GIS Club of Metro State

9:37 AM

did i really just spend a half hour relating my uneventful morning to a more than likely unimpressed bubeleh? yeah, i guess i did. But I got me a cupcake bitches!!!!

see ya soon

Chad

Lots of Ladybugs . . . or at least another type of Beetle

Most people know that I love Love LOVE my job!

I get to wake up and go to work where I spend anywhere from 8 to 14 hours playing.

I walk around with Jungle Nymphs on my shoulder like they're parrots. . .

Sometimes I have stern talkins-to with tarantulas about boundary issues regarding my iced chai . . .

Sometimes I make fun of children's artwork . . .

(Come on people. This 3rd grader knew exactly what he was doing. I'm counting AT LEAST 3 rim jobs going on here and I think 1 has a little insertion. Sick.)

But I also do work. This year I've been focusing on breeding things that we've never been able to breed in captivity before.

Let's see . . .

Right now I have a species of spider that I need to figure out how to couple without getting

them killed or me sent to the ER

One species of beetle that I can't figure out the right soil composition for the female to lay eggs in.

Another species of beetle that I'm trying like mad to find a second plant the larvae will eat because the first plant, kudzu vine, the USDA won't let anywhere near a US port of entry.

A mantis that needs a temperature about 30 degrees higher than the other animals in the room

And another mantis that needs humidity about twice as high as everyone else in the room.

And while I'm experimenting over and over and failing over and over, guess what happened . . .

the little Blue Death Feigning Beetles from the Sonoran desert - an animal that no one has ever been able to captively breed - has quietly been laying eggs and raising their grubs in a tank right in front of me. This ground breaking thing is happening without my help at all while I can't replicate what others have already done before.

There's a story from Under the Tuscan Sun that tells of a girl who used to hunt for ladybugs and never caught any. Then one day she fell asleep in the grass and when she woke up she was covered in ladybugs.

That's totally me! Except with Blue Death Feigning Beetles. Plus, while the little girl probably kept them in a jar until they slowly suffocated and/or starved to death - I am off to work on publishing.

In yo' face little girl!!

Temperence Brennen is a fucking liar.

For years now Matt has been talking about this 'Bones' show. I've never really cared to watch it - which means I really don't care to hear about it.

I totally do it too, so I'm a hypocrit - but let's get past this and focus on what really needs to be said: If you find a program interesting you will never translate that interest to others by telling them episode plots.

The only way to get someone to love a show with you is to get them to watch it. And the best way to get them to watch it is to get them to feel like they NEED to watch it at least once. The best way to do this? In my case - tell me I remind you of someone on the show.

This has never been a compliment to me. I've been compared to people on tv before and it never fails to anger me. So after years of Matt telling me "so last night on Bones . . . " or "Gina and I were watching Bones . . ." and my just hearing white noise after that my need to see it was finally activated by my horrible friend Josh who spent like three minutes telling me that I'm like someone he referred to as the "bug and slime guy".

I kind of already hate this.

A) oh good. Yet another time that my job has people seeing me as a 2-dimensional bug-loving character. I never NEVER get sick of that. Way to make me feel like there's othing to my life besides a respect for arthropods Josh. I hope I never get fired because I'll have nothing to live for. People will probably see me wandering street corners in ratty clothes looking for rolly pollys (which are technically crustaceans . . .)

B) even though Josh claims this was a compliment - perhaps he needs to read "Chad's Guide to Compliment Giving" that I posted on October 31st of 2009

ANYWAY - so thank goodness Bones is available on my instant Netflix so that I was able to immediately see this person who is just like me.

He is so ugly.

Also, he is a complete a-hole. I don't understand why anyone can stand him. He's snide and that's about it. I suppose he's smart, but he's not funny or charming or anything. He's just a douche that's always cranky. HE is a two dimensional character.

And he is so ugly.

Lets face it - compare me to anyone you want and no matter how painful they are to watch, it won't bother me at all compared to saying I remind you of some ugly guy.

Josh doesn't think he's ugly.

But Josh was backpedaling methinks.

Aside from Hodgins (the ugly bug and slime guy) I kind of dislike several aspects of the show. I dislike the two main characters (P.S. Zooey Deschanel TOTALLY got the looks in the family). I find it a little far fetched that these people are stumbling across decayed remains like all the time. At what point are they going to realize "hey, we seem to stumble upon a lot, I mean a LOT of human remains by accident. Maybe we should start hanging out somewhere else"

The thing that bothers me the most is the lab. Their beautiful lab that looks like a cross between the main entrance to the Louvre and an Ikea. No one has a lab that looks like that. NO ONE.

Hospitals don't even look tht clean and sterile.

Temperence Brennen? You and your lab are a big fat lie. LIE!!

So here's my official opinion of the show Bones:

I think it's phenomenal. Am I going to watch every season? Yes! I love the science behind everything, I love the plot lines, and most importantly I love Zack (word on the street is that after a couple seasons he goes into an insane asylum because he was found to be a serial killer apprentice. Thanks for ruining my favorite character on my new favorite show)

So thank you Josh.

But next time we want to get me to watch a show I've never seen, lets not compare me to someone with bug eyes and a fro . . .

Quick thoughts:

I wouldn't call myself an exhibitionist by any means - but am I the only person that really wants to fly somewhere just so I can go through DIA's bodyscan? Do you think they can give me a printout of my projected naked self?? Hmmmm . . .

In more upsetting news, it's something like 4º outside and cold weather always makes me have to pee. It's a tragic irony that when I come in from the freezing cold and head for the restroom the very LAST thing I want to touch is my junk.

Did I mention that I took a double dose of Benadryl a little bit ago?

Two Movie Reviews Disguised as a Story. Enjoy!

Picture it:

Berlin. September 2010.

Matt has just finished taken a shower and discovered me scratching at the bathroom door . . .

You may be thinking I reaaaaally had to go to the bathroom. You may even be thinking that I just wanted to help Matt towel dry!

But you would be wrong.

I had to get Matt out of the bathroom because we were under attack!

(And by "attack" I mean I SWORE I heard someone trying to break in through the front door. . .)

Matt looked at me like I was a crazy person.

But you know what? I was right to be wary. And here is my proof:

In the past couple of weeks I have watched 2 German . . . well, we'll just call them films.

#1: The Human Centipede

In this story there are two American tourists road-tripping through Europe. Their car breaks down in a rain storm and, rather than change the damn tire, they set of on foot for help. What do they find but a house occupied by a crazy German surgeon who promptly drugs them and brings them down to his lab. In his lab there is already a Japanese man strapped down.

Does this guy have big plans to sew them all together, mouth-to-anus, to create a big human centipede? You bet he does! Before you start to wonder too many things, let me answer all your questions.

Yes, it's gross.

Yes, it's unlikely that the 2nd and 3rd 'segments' would survive for long solely on fecal matter

Yes, there is a scene where the Japanese guy in front can't hold his poo any more and involuntarily craps directly into the mouth of the American chick sewn to his booty. (What makes this worse is the creepy German doctor saying "yesssss. Feeeed her!!")

Yes, Matt and I watched the ENTIRE thing.

My defense: It was a present from my curator because I love scary movies AND it's kind of work related!

#2: Otto, or Up With Dead People

A zombie comes to life in rural North Germany and hitches his way to Berlin to find himself. It turns out this zombie, named Otto, has a whole laundry list of issues other than being dead. He's an antisocial homosexual vegetarian zombie in search of . . . something more.

He meets up with - who else, but two morbid lesbians making - you guessed it! A ZOMBIE MOVIE!! (Guess who just found their star!!) Did I mention that for some reason one of the lesbians is only filmed in black and white and doesn't speak, but has piano accompaniment and old-timey captions? I guess she's a silent film lesbian?

My defense: It showed up on Instant Netflix's new arrivals page. I saw a zombie in an outfit I really liked so I hit play! I guess that'll teach me . . .

Sooooo. See what I mean? Germans breaking into our apartment? AWFUL!!

Matt finding out that it was our landlord's sister stopping by late at night to pick up the rent and I look like a psychopath? EVEN MORE AWFUL!!

At least we didn't get sewn together or have a gay horror-orgy. (tongue kissing AND intestine eating? You pick one or the other! Good day good sir!)

I Certainly Hope I Be Decent. Nahmean?

My friend Lindsey sent me a link recently that made me realize: at first glance we may seem very different, but really we all strive for one thing. One basic human need that is intrinsic in us all even if we don't all express it or realize it. The yearning for sweatpants to go away . . .

This link brought me to a series of "tweets" (God, I hate Twitter) (And anything else that tries to work the word 'tweet' into an audible statement) (Rockin' Robin? I'm talking to you too)

Anyway - it brought me to a series of tweets (gak!) by a rapper named Ghostface Killah. (Yes, It's a stupid STUPID name - but at least it isn't 'tweet')

It seems that Ghostface (I assume that since we have so much in common I don't need to address him as Mr. Killah. We're pretty much best friends in my mind) has had enough of people not putting any effort into their appearance.

Because his message is so valuable - I will translate it here for my non-fluent-in-gangsta friends out there. Lets make my translations yellow . . . you know, so you don't get us confused.

Ahem.

Ghostface says:

A lot of niggas don't know how to get busy.
1:27 PM Nov 3rd via web

I have recently become aware that many of my friends and colleagues are not sure how to take on a suitable appearance

A lot of y'all muthafuckas just throw on whatever whatever whatever and just think thats whats poppin and it's not poppin man.
1:28 PM Nov 3rd via web

Many of you feel that wearing something you would normally wear to bed or the gym is also appropriate for, say, going out for drinks. But it isn't.

Yo when you step out the crib, just make sure you match. Don't be coming outside on some like you Rainbow man or something like that G.
1:29 PM Nov 3rd via web

When you leave your house it is important to coordinate your clothes and accessories. Bold patterns and solids are always a good bet, but NEVER bold patterns mixed.

With mad different colors and shit and your gear ain't proper. You know what I mean? Make sure your swagger is up to par nahmean. You decent
1:30 PM Nov 3rd via web

Remember our motto: Flashy, not trashy. Make sure that you look appropriate for the occasion. Yoga pants are appropriate for YOGA. Flip flops are appropriate for VOLLEYBALL GAMES. Uggs are appropriate for . . . well, nothing. When in doubt ask a friend for advice!

You ain't gotta come out looking all Super Fly and dapper and all that shit but just make sure that your gear you know...that you official!
1:31 PM Nov 3rd via web

It isn't necessary to wear Marc Jacobs to the grocery store, but some effort is appreciated by those around you. Remember - there is a whole array of attire between formal and pajamas. It's called *blank*-casual.

You can take the wackest gear but make sure that gear, that K-Mart gear, whatever you wearing, you official wit it.
1:32 PM Nov 3rd via web

Again, couture is not necessary. But make sure that it's flattering, wears well, and makes you feel good about your appearance.

YOU bringing the steez to it. Nah mean?!
1:33 PM Nov 3rd via web

Style with ease (yes, I had to look it up. Thank you Urban Dictionary)

Make sure your foot game is official. A bitch don't like you to step to her acting like you trying to bag her with your shoes all bent up.
1:36 PM Nov 3rd via web

It isn't flattering to a lady (or gentleman) if she thinks you assume that she is so easily attainable that you can attempt to make advances in battered old sneakers. Make an investment in a good shoe that will last you awhile. Diesel makes wonderful casual shoes and Prada is pricey - but will last you a lifetime!

Or at least if your jeans is fucked up and you got a decent pair of kicks on, you might could be able to pull a bitch. She might go for it.
1:38 PM Nov 3rd via web

With appropriate shoes by your side you can probably get away with less-than-your-best jeans. A lady will overlook a hole in the knee if she sees a strong symbol of pride on your feet.

Your hair cut game gotta be live too.
1:40 PM Nov 3rd via web

Take pride in your hair as well . . .

Just make sure that your cut is good. If your cut is good and your kicks is good, you might could get the bitch.
1:41 PM Nov 3rd via web

A fresh hairstyle and decent footwear can go a long way with your intended romance

A lot of y'all niggas ain't LIVE. Nah mean. Out of 100 niggas it might be like 10 LIVE LIVE LIVE thats SUPER LIVE niggas!

1:43 PM Nov 3rd via web

Many of you are not as dapper as you think. The likelihood that you are as posh as you believe (according to a recent study by Ghostface Killah) is approximately 1 in 10.

The Rest Of Y'all Niggas Is BIRD NIGGAS! Straight Up!
1:44 PM Nov 3rd via web

The rest of you are mere posers. Seriously.

The type of niggas that just get punched in the face all day, robbed all day.
1:45 PM Nov 3rd via web

You anger society that takes offense to you're attitude of "I'm a trendsetter. Look at me wear Ugg boots with short shorts!".

Niggas that was getting stuck for they cupcakes man back in high school, Jr High, taking your Butter crunch man we know about that shit man.
1:47 PM Nov 3rd via web

These individuals most likely developed this arrogance as early as high school or junior high. As a result they may have (rightly so) been the target of bullying. Bullying, and perhaps a few instances of stabbings for any cupcakes you may have on your person. Bullies know how to expose your weaknesses, and that is usually through brutal theft of your cupcakes and/or your Butter crunches. That will take you down a notch.

Like I said, out of 100 niggas it might be like 10 LIVE niggas out of 100 niggas man and which one are YOU nigga. Point it out nigga.
1:49 PM Nov 3rd via web

1 in 10 individuals truly have style, while the rest are delusional. Which one are you, good sir or madam?

and is you sure about that dude!
1:49 PM Nov 3rd via web

Let's reflect on our wardrobe for a moment. Do you have good taste? Really?