Sunday, November 8, 2009

Chad's Guide to Raising Children

This, you would think, is a very easy guide to follow. There's only one major rule. Are you ready? Here it is:

Do it.

Yup, that's it. Do it.
Fucking do it, and do it yourself dickheads.

Perhaps I should elaborate?

When you decided to bring your little bundle of joy into the world you were also assuming responsibility for your screaming, sticky, little brat. Do you know who didn't assume responsibility for raising your kids? The rest of the fucking world.

I have a list of examples of situations where people have decided that they have a break from raising their children. And by "raising" I mean making sure that they are obtaining the necessary skills to make it through life without having the crap beat out of them. Skills like clean up after yourself, don't disrupt happy and balanced environments, and basically don't be a gaggle of tantrum throwing little pricks.

I have a proposal. I've given it a lot of thought and I think it's a really good one. It may even launch me into politics.

If parents insist on relinquishing their responsibilities for their children in public settings to those employed by the establishment they visit - then those employees also get the benefits. I'm not talking about tax breaks, or crappy drawings for the refrigerator. I'm talking the simple, enjoyable ones. Like smacking little kids across the face when they have it coming.

You know you've wanted to.

The screaming children in the grocery store. The kids making a huge mess of the table, chair, and floor of any restaurant without a playland. The kids running around your favorite shoe store, misplacing things and acting like a couple of baboons hopped up on speed. If you haven't wanted to slap the children, you've definately wanted to smack the crap out the the parents who are trying to pretend that they don't have a care in the world. If you see a kid creating a scene in public without any form of discipline you absolutely want to wrap your hands around the parents neck and squeeze until you hear something pop. If you don't, then you should be taken out for an afternoon of electroshock.

So I say we make it all very official.

Parents bring their rugrats to your store or restaurant or wherever you work - those kids are legally under your care. While the parents skip along merrily you can refuse the children of their dinner, make them clean up their messes before they go anywhere, and spank the shit out of them if a tantrum ensues. Then, when Child Services takes them out of your care - they can give them back to their parents. The kids finally got some discipline, the parents got a break, and you got your aggression out and had fun while doing it!

Of course, there's the alternative - my own guide to raising your kids.

Just fucking do it yourself. Consider it your punishment for making the rest of the world put up with strollers, minivans, and Dora the Explorer.


  1. Wow???? You must have had an awesome day at the BP.

  2. This is full-belly, straight up big girl laugh inducing! HA!HA!