Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Go [Away] Team, Go!

Sports. Not my strong point. I classify sports along with activities like the theatre. It's fun and happy if I'm participating - but why the hell would I want to have someone else have a good time while I'm stuck as a spectator?

For those of you who don't quite get where I'm coming from - lets bring up old school
Nintendo. Remember Super Mario Bros.? Remember how agonizing it was when it wasn't your turn? If you were like me you've never wanted someone to die so fast in your life! Every time the other player had to jump over a hole or a man-eating plant you were thinking "miss it, you fucker!". Then, when they finally died and it was your turn again, you come back to life. Suddenly yyou're erect, alert, and having a great time! You were NOT like this when they were playing, were you?!
So sports - to me - are like watching some asshole play a video game where its never my turn.

. . . with the exception of football. I can't stand football (for those of you that thought - "he'd look good with pads"). I don't get it, I don't play it, and I'll be damned if I ever watch that shit!

Football has a place of its own because it has the ability to flamboyantly parade itself around wherever I go.

Professional sports just fucking piss me off. "oooh! lets all cheer for this asshole, because not only can he catch a fucking ball, but he just now made more money than I'll ever make! Now excuse me . . . I have to go home and get some rest so I can work myself to fucking death and live paycheck to paycheck." Fuck you, asshole. Am I the only one that sees it?!

But football - that damn sport - is always in my face. On television its there, on the radio its there, in the bar it's reeeeeally there. No other activity will bring out the annoying pricks like a football game. You've never been at a bar, talking with your friends or date or whoever, when you spill your drink all over your lap because an entire table of tools next to you just erupted in screams and air fists because David Beckham scored from a free kick in the 59th minute of a second round match against Ecuador, have you?

People screaming at a television in public, to me, is the most nerve shatte
ring thing ever. I don't know why its acceptable for football. You can't tell me that it's okay in any other setting. You can't! Imagine - you're in an office, working on your own thing, when some asshole starts screaming because he got crisp, clear copies from the xerox machine. He'd start punching the air and then, hopefully, someone would stand up, walk over and start punching his neck.
My advice to the screaming, overweight monkeys who insist on cheering as the paycheck of professional sports players goes from obnoxious to offensive? Go watch at the stadium, or a sports bar, or your own fucking house - because if I have to collect my shattered thought after one more "GET 'IM!" I may start slashing tires.

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