Friday, November 20, 2009

A Letter to 19 year old Chad

So with the end of my undergrad schooling rapidly approaching I've been thinking about my long road to get here. I'd be throwing a parade right now . . . but I have to turn around and take another bazillion years of classes! Who thought this shit up?! I think that when I started school there should have been the option to go through a battery of tests - you have to anyway - you know, to make sure that you can do 4th grade math. At least I did. I'm not sure if everyone else does because every day on campus I see or hear someone do something so stupid I have to restart my brain just so I can wonder how they were able to fill out the little spaces in their application with crayon!
Anyway - my battery of tests. They would be designed by top minds in academics to determine exactly how far the test taker can reasonably expected to go. If they score low (I'm talking to you, Associate Degree seekers) then give them the general classes and a couple specialized ones to make them feel special if they score higher and can reach for that Bachelor's. If they score higher and could pursue a Master's or Doctorate - skip the bullshit and let them get down to business. How many brilliant potential doctors are there in the world that didn't give it a chance because they didn't want to be in school - and I'm talking POINTLESS classes people- for 10 damn years. Multicultural Studies requirement? Kiss my dick! I want to know that someone prescribing ME medication was able to focus solely on their clinicals without also having to stay up late working on a paper about the great Chihuahua revolt or some crap like that.

I feel very strongly about this because it was the hurdle of these bullshit classes that's caused me to be the oldest guy in my classes today.

Well - that and the fact that school was a very low priority for me until my early 20s. With that in mind I'm taking responsibility for my irresponsibility and I'm writing a strongly worded letter - to my 19 year old self.


Dear 19 year old Chad,

Hey, hows it goin'?
I'm just writing to let you know that, thanks to you, I'm a poor college student at 28 years old. What the hell are you doing right now? Let's see, its nearly midnight on a Friday night so you're probably at some club, or fooling around with god knows what kind of venereal infested swamp sow, or there's a good chance you're at Denny's or Perkins - chainsmoking and drinking coffee. Let me tell you right now, 19 year old Chad, that this is a habit that your teeth will
totally pay for. Trust me.

That being said, here's my advice for you. Enjoy yourself. Have fun with your friends. Work your hilarious little jobs. But please, whatever you do - don't enroll in school until you are ready. Even if you don't take your first class until you're 22 - that's okay. We won't be any worse off than we are now, in fact we'll be better off because we won't have wasted - that's the optimum word, 19 year old Chad,
wasted - an amount of money that I don't even want to calculate, valuable time (it's your youth! Savor it), and an academic track record that will make your future self cringe when you're asked to submit "ALL COLLEGE TRANSCRIPTS".

These classes that you should not sign up for are meaningless and no one should have to take them. But the sad reality is - you have to anyway. Go to school when you're ready. It'll be better for us both. You can enjoy yourself and I won't be burned out.

Well, have a nice day!
Love you!
28 year old Chad

That was kind of fun!

Should I write I letter to 19 year old Matt?

Dear 19 year old Matt,
Any day now, Chad is going to sing the incorrect lyrics to
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. Just go with it. After all, "the girl with colitis goes by" is WAY funnier than "the girl with kaleidescope eyes", isn't it? Ooooooh, also - when he laughs at you for putting a porsche engine in a VW Bus (I believe his exact words were "putting syrup on shit don't make it a pancake") just smack him and tell him he'll understand why you did that in a few years. Yeah, He'll get one in 5 years or so.
Talk to you later!
28 year old Chad

Haha! While I'm at it, why don't I send a letter to Chad two years ago!

Dear Chad two years ago,
You may be enjoying the freedom to fix up your little house - but I warn you - save your energy and get out of the suburbs now. Flee! Flee! You'll thank me later!

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