Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Things I NEED to be Reminded of Next Time I Enjoy Mixed Drinks

1. People can easily hear me talking about them. It seems even my quietest voice can be heard over Michael Jackson dance mixes exploding from speakers right next to me . . .
2. Do not laugh at friends getting hit on by short, awkward Asian guys. This is a surefire way to ensure that you will be hit on/molested by a fat queen of hearts, a ninja turtle, a banana, and a genderless individual wearing platform shoes and a unicorn head . . .
3. Don't ask someone with an enormous cookie, if that's the only sweet thing they have to offer. It is. It really is.
4. Don't crowd a sexy witch when she's on her way to the bar. She will go Courtney Love crazy on you for bending her hat. You will seriously be lucky if she doesn't cut you. I'm just sayin' . . .
5. Photo booths are generally not a good idea, but are just plain necessary when you're drunk and looking your worst. Want proof?
(Zahra matched me drink for drink - why does she still look cute? Must be the lips . . . )
6. Don't get in a photo booth with someone hotter than you. This will lead to your being known as the "less hot" one for all eternity. Archeologists will probably uncover these and say "Look at the hot flapper! That must be her senile grandfather she's with"
7 . If you need a conversation starter - wear a long tail. The only downside? The conversations started will be about how someone can get a piece of that tail.
8. Skimpy outfits DO NOT make you sexy. They only show off the sexiness you may or may not possess under normal clothes. i.e. if you're over the hill and generally gross to look at, going to a party as Malibu Ken will do you no favors.
9. Chicken Nachos are always a good idea. Waistline be damned!
10. Early morning McDonalds, on the other hand . . .

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