Monday, November 16, 2009

Baby mine (on loan)

Somewhere in Manhattan a woman is strolling through Central Park explaining to admirers that she doesn't breast feed her baby because it's already ruined her vagina, it's NOT doing the same to her boobs - she just finished paying them off!

She may be doing this because I told her to . . .

Lindsey is baby sitting her friend's 6 month old today. She told me that the baby is freaking adorable, which it must be - Lindsey doesn't mess around with the baby=cute myth. She'll see an ugly kid (and there are A LOT of them out there) and suck her teeth while wearing an expression that can only mean "it's a wrinkly, incoherent, bald, pooping thing. WHAT is cute about that?! People pay to have adults with these traits locked up so no one has to deal with them."

Anyway, I've digressed.

When Lindsey told me she gets the jibblies when someone thinks it's her kid I said "just have fun with it!". When someone asks how old she is, maybe pause in thought for an uncomfortably long time before giving a vague answer . . .

"Well, my episiotomy site isn't sore or itchy anymore . . . so . . . she's older than two months. Maybe 1ish?"

Haha. I've been in her situation once in my life. Well, almost. It was in Boulder with my cousin Melissa and her adorable baby Clayton (who, by the way, is like 8 or 13 or something now). People thought he was ours. "Look at the new parents!", their looks said. I must admit, I was more jarred by the thought of knocking up my own cousin than I was being mistaken for a parent.

Melissa was in school when Clayton was a baby, so on my days off I would watch him. I said it was to help her out, but really it was because he was one of the few babies I loved and I felt it my duty to give him a break from being a coddled baby and let him run amuck my apartment.

It was amazing! I would feed him cream cheese on EVERYTHING because he was starting to lose his fat, baby limbs. Not okay with me. I was obsessed with how he looked like a stay-puft marshmallow baby.

And this, people? Is why I should not be a parent. Probably ever. But I AM determined to be that "cool uncle" that everyone has (well . . . I guess I don't, but I've seen them on TV) and not that "creepy uncle" that no one admits to (THIS I got).

I already practice on Matt and Gina's dogs. When they're not home I spoil the hell out of those dogs every chance I get. Be that as it may, no one has ever mistaken me for their father. It could be that there's little family resemblance, but I prefer to imagine that word has got out that people like me eat their young . . .

Still - it would be fun to mess with people just to teach them a lesson in assumptions.


  1. Hilarious! Can't wait to leave our little wrinkly munchkins with uncle Chaddy! (please don't destroy them)

  2. Thank goodness you made references to Uncles and not Aunts... I love it and Clayton is still a cutie and he's 7.