Thursday, February 25, 2010

An Awkward Moment

This is Cary Russell. In addition to being my Home Depot customer service representative today, he was also a kid I went to high school with.
It was a somewhat awkward situation because in high school Cary and I got drunk and made out at a party. While my reputation for being - uhhhh - more likely to perform a homoerotic act for the enjoyment of others was common knowledge - it wasn't so good for mormon Cary.
Basically, thanks to me (and NOT jungle juice or drunken girls cheering for us) Cary was going to mormon hell or something.
How do we handle our Home Depot interaction? Ignore it. I don't know you and you don't know me.

I was thinking to myself at least I don't run into these people when I'm at my WORST.

I have a scenario in my head that is the epitome of my worst fear - well - awkward moment-wise.

This is a true story. The only way my fantasy/nightmare is different is that I am the ptient and the X-ray tech is someone - well, like Cary the mormon

Once, when I was an x-ray tech I was called to a state run nursing home in Commerce City. The exam was for an abdominal series of a middle aged woman with schizophrenia. I had to rule out an intestinal obstruction.

(Apparently she was VERY constipated. Ewww)

I arrived and was met by an odor plume of diarrhea that nearly knocked me over.

Is that . . . ? Please tell me that isn't coming from the room I'm on my way to. Please. Please.

It was. I pushed my x-ray machine next to the room door where a team of orderlies were combatting large smears of liquid brown before I decided to stall going inside by instead going to the nurse's station to copy and sign my orders.

I saw a nurse who was choking back vomit from the smell. After exchanging hellos she informed me that the terrible fecal explosion came from MY patient.

Well, this could be a good thing, yes?

"The order is for an abdominal to r/o obstruction. Looks like the obstructions gone! Do you still need the exam?" says a toothy grinning Chad with his fingers crossed

The nurse said "yes". One of my crossed fingers was flipping this nurse off now.

I slowly walked into the room of doom and saw the scene. most of the shit had been cleaned quickly - but not very well. It had to be cleaned from the bed, the floor, the walls, the door, and the patient herself.

The patient - we'll call her "Lois" - was a behemoth. Towering over me and weighing at least 4 of me. Great. The orderlies gladly rushed away while I got her positioned and took the first shot. I had her sitting in a wheelchair while I put the x-ray plate behind her and shot my first picture of her unobstructed GI tract.

It seems that while she was sitting in her wheelchair she was also shitting in her wheelchair because the smell made me start to dry heave and she stood up, lifted her hospital gown, and stuck her hands down the back of her XXXL diaper and started removing barely solid poo.

Orderlies rushed in to prevent a repeat attack. I was just trying to get my plate back without getting crapped on.

Eventually, Lois got tired of swatting orderlies away like King Kong and just shoved them all away. Then she took off her diaper. Took it the hell off and smashed it to the floor with a very heavy sounding splat.

Then she turned around to fight with a nurse who had crept into the room. The nurse was trying to physically move Lois, but she was like a mac truck. Wouldn't budge. Well - she did start to chuckle a little when diarrhea began to ooze from her uncovered sphincter and drizzle down her leg, plopping on the floor.

I gave up. I walked out of there, missing 2/3 of my exam.

It turns out they were able to use my one image to rule out obstruction. Oh, and the fact that she was a hydrant of runs.

This? Is what I think of when I imagine how I NEVER want to run into someone. A towering, mentally disturbed beast with a flowing rectum - flinging my diaper around with my poopy hands.

It would be kind of entertaining if I were the tech though. You know - for the stories afterwards...

You'd better stay regular, Cary.
(How much do you LOVE that I'm standing there, taking pictures of Cary?? Haha. Its like I have no shame!)


  1. my broken day is officially fixed. . thank you for filling my order Dr. H; I'll take that sponge bath whenever you're ready ;o)

  2. Um, is this that short little shit that was in theater with us?

  3. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that you can stand right there and take pictures of him to provide entertainment for the world! You Chad, are in fact, my HERO!

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