Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Is Comfortable the New Risque?

Victoria's secret is out of the bag. The veiled actuality that Victoria has been hiding is this simple fact: the bitch has just given up.

I was recently in a Victoria's Secret and I was completely dumbfounded. At first I was struck by the people shopping there. I'll just say it - fat and/or old women that nobody wants to see in anything revealing. I'm not getting down on the old or the fat - but come on. Save yourself the time and money and do your unmentionables shopping at Target.

After my eyes adjusted to the patrons I was able to focus on the actual problem at hand. The mighty Victoria's Secret has fallen. The store - known world wide for being chock full of sexy lingerie, the store that releases a catalogue that evokes inappropriate desires from married men, adolescent boys, and confused girls in high school drama, the store with a diamond freaking bra (!!) - has become the clothing aisle at Walgreens.

I looked around and there were racks and racks of plaid flannel nightgowns, sweatpants, slippers, cheap body lotion gift packs, and finally underwear. Not "Victoria's Secret" underwear, mind you - but underwear you'd find left behind in the dryer at your local laundromat.

Did I mention the underwear was sloshed into bins? Bins! The bin is the epitomy of tasteless. Even Payless fucking shoes has their shit on racks! Victoria's Secret is now below Payless on the scale of inventory solicitude. Way to go Vicky.

Victoria's Secret is sexy lingerie. It's main staple needs to be bras, garters, stockings, and *gulp* panties. (why do I feel like a pedophile when I say "panties"? It sounds like there should be a more grown up word for women's underwear. I need to come up with something better because it gives the the heebie jeebies.)

Victoria's Secret? You have abandoned your niche. Is it your goal to be play vital role in the frumping-up of America? Thanks. A. Lot.
Pretty soon we're going to have nothing but dumpy, grouchy women that resemble men in their attire.

(Kind of like dwarves from Lord of the Rings. God. I? am such a nerd. Let's move on, shall we?)

Victoria's Secret still has the sexy stuff though. Ask a sales girl for the sexy section. She'll walk you past the sweatpants, past the bins, past the fat girl eyeing a baby-tee that says "party with me" (poor thing).
She'll walk you to the back of the store, past the employee lounge, through the stock room, and out by the loading dock - there they are. The 4 styles of bras and matching p-a-n-t-i-e-s that remain in the Self Confidence collection.

Hope you like them, because they'll probably be discontinued by spring and replaced with glad bags sloppily crammed with granny panties and velour jogging suits. (Blech.)

My overall question for anyone that can answer?
When did this . . .

Become this???

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go was my boxer briefs, I told my friend Zahra she could borrow them for her next date, you see . . .


  1. so, you're saying, if i want that matching naughty bra and thong set i'll have to go to frederick's of hollywood?! . . .i always called them "undies" (pronounced oondies like with an oomlout above the u, or G-strings if i'm not eating too much cake)