Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Me Need Camel

Not the cigarette, but the one with humps. No, not Fergie - a real live camel that you can ride on (again - not Fergie. hehe)

ACTUALLY - I don't really need a camel, but I did have an interesting conversation with my transamerican life mate, Lindsey about needing said camel.

Lindsey (the big bitch she is) is spending her Christmas in Egypt. Again, I say bitch.
We discussed what all she had to do and what all she shouldn't do.

List of "Shouldn'ts":
1. Rent a car. Egypt, from my understanding, is the equivalent of . . . if you took every elderly Chinese woman, made them all New York City cab drivers, set them loose on downtown Los Angeles during rush hour, and gave all the traffic cops the day off . . . that's something like the streets of Egypt. No car.
2. Matched Luggage. This was totally a jab at me, I think. This "luggage" business? Just another way for Lindsey to rub in how much more worldly she is than I.

Lindsey: I found the most amazing backpack!
Chad: Oh, yeah?
Lindsey: I'm so excited because I'll need it when I'm in Egypt. I mean, all I had was my amazing matched luggage for all those times I'm going to Europe!

Oooooh. Also, she totally does that snooty, "drag on a word too long/act bored with your own sentance" combo when she states the name of a fun place she's going.

Lindsey: I'm going to Egyyyyyyypt, but usually I go to Eurooooooppppe.

What the hell was I talking about?
Oh yeah, The list of "Shoulds"!

List of "Shoulds"
1. See Valley of the Kings via hot air balloon. I'm so jealous of this that I'm actually in pain. A pain that can only be mildly eased when Zahra takes me out to eat 2 dozen Krispy Kremes.
Lindsey is in Egypt with her sister. When Lindsey proposed the hot air balloon idea her sister was "on the fence" about it. This? Is where Lindsey gets that snooty streak from methinks. I wasn't present for their conversation, but I can totally imagine . . .

Lindsey: I totally want to see the Valley of the Kings in a hot air balloon!!
Sister: Ugh. Maybeeee.
Lindsey: I Insist! It'll be my first time in Egyyyyyyyypt.
Sister: I'm always in Egyyyyyyyyypt.
Lindsey: Well, I'm always in Eurooooooooppppe.
Sister: That's because you're an Art History majoooooooor and you work for NYUuuuuuu. I work for the CDCccccccccc . . .

There's a lot of snootiness going on there. I think the only time they drop the "too cool for school" phonetics is when they're laughing about me.

Sister: Where did Chad go this year?
Lindsey: Haha, Get this! He and Matt went to Wyoming!
Sister: Oh my God.
Lindsey: I know.
Sister: Thank God I was somewhere more exciting. . . Egyyyyyyppttt
Lindsey: Egyyyyyyyyyyppptt.

ANYWAY, back to the list.

2. Ride a Camel. Again, I'm totally on board with Lindsey's desire to ride a camel. I'm a sucker for riding things.

To make absolutely sure that Lindsey gets to ride her camel she asked a friend who studies Arabic or something, how to say "I would like to ride a camel". He dumbed it down for her to a simple blunt "I need camel" that I suggested she yell at various people she encounters that look as though they may have a camel stashed.


I also made the little suggestion that she get it down pat before she tries it out otherwise there could be an awkward blunder like JFK in Germany when he made his famous 1963 speech and tried to say " I am a citizen of Berlin" by uttering "Ich bin ein Berliner", which in German means: "I am a Jelly Donut". Poor stupid JFK.
Lindsey approved my suggestion because she's had her fair share of near-misses in foreign tongues. For example, in America we say penne pasta. In Italy you say pen-ne. If you go to Italy and say you'd like some penne they may come back with some penis for you to enjoy. (careful, hot plate!)

JFK's blunder made me start thinking - I really need to learn me some German because Matty and I are going Germany in 9 months. I started to panic at the thought of trying to ask someone to bring me to Berlin from Munich, but I've realized - if I get it wrong I'll get a donut, yes? Either way I win!

And, yes - I'm rehearsing how to say Munich to Lindsey.


  1. I should get you German Rosetta Stone whoooop!!!

  2. You're such a delightful jerk. I'd like to point out that (a) the whole EGGGYYYPPPTTT snotty tone was fabricated by Chad purely out of petty jealousy to make me feel guilty about my FAAAAAABULOUS jet-setting life, and (b) I never got to ride my hot air baloon (but did get to ride my camel!), and (c) you can't rub MUUNIIIIIICCCH in my face because I'm going with you - ha!