Sunday, December 6, 2009

Leave the Obese Alone, Let's Get the Stupid!!!

Lincoln University in Pennsylvania needs to be bitch slapped.

The university has made it so that students can't graduate if they're "obese". Not morbidly obese or super obese, just plain old obese. That is, you can't have a body mass index of 30 or above. We're not talking have-to-be-craned-out-of-your-house fat, but belly and love handles fat.

This is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. What in the hell does your weight to height ratio have to do with whether or not you have completed your academic requirements and can excel in your field? Not. A. Thing.

If you are a student at Lincoln and are over their weight limit you must pass a "Fitness for Life" class in order to graduate. Are you fucking kidding me?! This sounds like the kind of shit my school would pull just to make sure I'm there forever.

When I went to my little trade school to be an X-Ray tech I had to pass a test too. It was a cumulative exam of the practical labs I had taken over the 18 months I attended. This? Makes sense! "You want to shoot X-Rays? Well, you better prove you remember the shit from your first class!" there was no "Well, before we give you your degree we're gonna need you to remove your clothes and step on this scale". I would've punched someone.

What offends me EVEN MORE about this bullshit is that while this nonsense is being enforced, there are other, more important requirements that people should have to meet if they want to function in the real world that are ignored.

Here is what I propose society forces people to be tested on:

If you work at a hair salon, you must demonstrate a desirable do. This means that when you show up for an interview with brassy yellow streaked hair that looks like hay with a plume of Aquanet? Sorry. You cannot pass "Go".

Cab Driver? You must pass a fucking driver's test. (these may sound like they're already enforced, but think about it. Everyone's had terrifying experiences with salon women and cab drivers)

Finally, college professors have to know that a centimeter is visible to the naked eye.

My freshman year I had a Biology Lab where my professor was explaining how to measure bacteria cells while under a microscope. Her "formula" gave her an answer that estimated the bacteria I was looking at to be about 10 centimeters.
"Really?" I said, waiting for her to say - I must have written something down wrong, because that can't be right.
She looked through my microscope eyepiece, you know - to confirm - then looked at me and said. "Yeah, that's probably about right" and then walked off to ruin someone else's sense of reality.
A bacterial cell. 10 centimeters.
10 centimeters is the dilation a woman in labor should reach before she is instructed to push.

I'll say this again. You can try to squeeze a newborn fucking baby through a hole the size of what this moron professor was trying to tell me my bacteria was the size of.

I never took a class of hers again. Not only because she's an idiot, but because she liked to wear belly shirts that showed off a happy trail. I was done with this train wreck of a woman.

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Lincoln fucking University? Unless you're trying to churn out nothing but fitness models and personal trainers - get in touch with reality and cut the shit.

The rest of the world? (I'm talking to YOU Metropolitan State College of Denver!) Up the fucking bar a bit.

Because my newest fear is that Metro will tell me my weight isn't suitable for cap and gown I'm going on "Matt's Diet" until graduation day!! Wanna monitor my progress with me, lovies? I knew you would!!

1 comment:

  1. Ha! Yeah, good luck Lincoln. Let me know how that works out for you. If some plump college student doesn't come and squash your administrative ass.Justifiably so!