Thursday, December 31, 2009

Oh 2009, I Barely Knew Ye

Hmmmm. Last year at this time I was just getting ready to run out and pick up my new wiener dog puppy while taking a break from completely redoing my bathroom. I was also battling a vicious chest cold, which I attributed to the pounds and pounds of gypsum board I inhaled because I refused to wear a mask. I may get mesothelioma, but on the plus side it was a sneaky way of getting Matt to bring me fast food! Mmmmmmmmmm!!

I wish I had some way of knowing what 2010 has in store for me. Lets face it, 2009 was not very eventful. I mean- I started a blog for Christ's sake.

I know - I'll look up my horoscope! I'll just type in "2010 Virgo Horoscope" into my little Google search bar. Reliable, yes???

Let's see . . . here are my results

Year 2010 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you've been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you've earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn't as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them -- but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That's the big question you'll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You've earned it!

Well . . . huh.

I'd normally be excited about this. I mean - it's pretty good, right? Nothing is said about boils or vagrancy or getting really bad diarrhea in a cab in traffic. That being said, I think it may be a load of entirely different crap. What gives me the right to call shenanigans to the computer fortuneteller?

(For the record - I totally envision a Romanian accented woman with a crystal ball and tarot cards laid out in front of her diligently typing all of this info in. Hey, even Gypsy fortunetellers can embrace technology - from the back of their nomadic wagons - right?)

Oh yeah - why the fortuneteller is full of shit. "Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years". Yeah right! I don't quietly endure anything and I come armed with examples!!

Setting: Going to school with Matt. Matt is driving when we go to a McDonalds drive-thru. I ordered an iced tea.

Matt: (handing me an iced tea) Here's your tea.

Chad: Oooooooohh!! Thanks!

I pierced the lid with my straw and took a sip of what I thought was tea. It wasn’t delicious iced tea, but Hi-C. Lets face it – there are few things as upsetting as when you take a drink of something and it isn’t at all what you were expecting to taste. So I threw my cup of Hi-C out the window back at McDonalds.


Matt sped out of the drive-thru telling me how he can never go back.

Setting: The back yard of Zahra’s new house. Steve, Bob, and myself have come over to assist in bringing it up to code. While on the back porch I got a splinter in my hand.

Chad: You son-of-a-bitch!

I grabbed a nearby shovel and swung it, repeatedly, at a vertical support beam until it gave way. In my defense – our job was to tear down the porch roof ANYWAY, so no harm done – right? Bob ended up knocking down the rest of the roof. It almost collapsed on my head, so I appointed myself in charge of carting away debris…

Setting: Graduation. I’m sitting there in my blue cap and gown, dying to get the hell out of there. But this bitch on stage won’t shut the hell up! Finally, near the end of her epic speech I had had enough.

Chad: (Talking to girl next to him while pulling out cell phone) I can’t believe this nonsense. (Referring to speaker)We don’t care about you, you bitch! Just shut your trap so we can turn in our shit and get out of here!

I called Matt – who was sitting across the room from me, also in his cap and gown.

Matt: (clearly flustered) uhhhh . . . hello?

Chad: Watcha doin’?

Matt: Are you kidding me right now?

Chad: Can you believe this?!

Matt: uh-

Chad: So where do you want to meet after? – I’ll just wait for you by where we turn in our gowns.

I don’t exactly recall, but I think Matt hung up on me. And just so you understand where I’m coming from I had JUST listened to this ass clown blabber on for like an hour and NOW I’m supposed to listen to this chick on stage literally telling us, in her speech, about what she had for breakfast at Einstein’s that morning? No. Some people are deathly afraid of public speaking – and some people just reaaaally need to be.

So – I don’t give to much credit to my gypsy fortune teller’s prediction of what 2010 holds for me.

Let’s see what my Chinese Zodiac says.

The Rooster

The Rooster is always popular, extravagant and creative. They can be brutally honest and generally like being showered with attention. They are wonderfully loyal friends and also give advice freely – whether they are asked for it or not! Family means the world to the Rooster and they are fiercely loyal to those they care about.

Forecast for 2010 The Year of the Tiger will have mixed fortunes for the Rooster, but by staying calm, observant and flexible, the Rooster will glide through 2010 coming out much wiser, stronger and with great success behind him. He will be in much demand for his sage advice and experience and, at work, this will come to the notice of his employer. Many will also decide to go back to college this year or completely change the direction of their career. Travel features quite strongly with the Rooster seeking out adventure, fun and new places to visit. A word of caution: all Roosters must ensure that they don’t overdo things – exhaustion and a depleted immune system will result if proper rest isn’t taken. Home life will bring many joys and will be seen as a cozy sanctuary throughout the year. The spring months and November and December will be excellent for intimate romantic encounters. March and July to October will be the optimum time for making career decisions or to change jobs.

Okay. The first thing it tells me is how popular I am? Sold.

Bring it on 2010!


  1. Both predictions came true within the first few hours! You WERE wildly popular and you quietly endured what your popularity was bringing you... But again, who wouldn't endure that ROCKIN' body?

  2. Wow, those Chinese gypsies have nailed it on the head as far as I can tell. I think 2010 is going to be your year.