Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Kirk Cameron Says I'm Going to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

Most people know that Kirk Cameron is a crazy bible beater now - a far cry from the wiley Mike Seaver that I remember who was a douche for completely different reasons. But I never gave him much thought (aside from "Oh. What a sad life.") until today when I was reading an overview on the craziest celebrity douchebag stunts of 2009.

Kirk Cameron made the list for writing a book about how simple logic is all that is needed to debunk evolution. Because it takes the genius of Kirk Cameron to prove Darwin wrong once and for all. (What a moron.)

It turns out that Saint Kirk also has a test on his website to find out the liklihood of your going to hell. This? I can't pass up. Feel free to follow along!!

"Kirk Cameron's Hell Test" from www.wayofthemaster.com

1. Have you always put God first in your life with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength-- so much, that your love for your parents, brothers and sisters, friends, and even your own life is like hatred compared to your love and devotion for God?

Let's see. I feel I should provide examples to support my yes/no answers - so lets look back to last Sunday morning to see if I missed church because I was too busy loving God. Actually I woke up late and decided to go to the gym instead of church to burn off the hot dog shaped cake that I binged on the night before. Going solely on this I think that saying my love for a V-taper is stronger than my love for God. Crap. Maybe question 2 will be more promising??

2. Is God a god of love and mercy who would never judge anyone and never cast anyone into Hell?

Well, the intangible higher power that I imagine in the back of my head would be understanding. In fact - he'd be totally awesome. The type of guy you'd like to go to the mall with and people watch. But I can't ignore the traditional deity from the Old Testament that was a complete prick.

Abraham - traditional regarded as the first believer was rewarded for said belief by instructions from God to first circumcise the shit out of everyone - then finally to sacrifice his own sons.

Job was "God's Favorite" because he was supposed to be the best, most devout of all worshippers. To this God thought, "Love me, will ya?" and sent a holy shit storm of boils, fires, death, and the removal of his clothes and hair. Just to prove a point to the Devil. Because in the Old Testament God and the devil are like manipulative, crotchety old gamblers that are just trying to find ways to entertain themselves by seeing what others will do . . .

Moses? He freed the Jewish people and wandered the desert for 40 years to find the promised land. When they finally arrived God told Moses "Guess what! You're not gettin' in! Hahahaha!"

See what I mean? Prick.

I guess I fail this question too.

3. Have you ever been a blasphemer and used God's name as a curse word? or used a filthy, four-letter word?

Come on. I pepper most of my statements with blasphemy and filth. I love that about me.

4. God commands that we set aside one day in seven and keep it holy. Have you EVER been GUILTY of BREAKING this Commandment?

Well, I'm not exactly sure on the technical definitions of "keep it holy" - but I do know that when I encounter absolutes like "always", "never", or "ever" my outlook is grim. We'll just say maybe.

5. Have you always honored your parents in a way that's pleasing in the sight of God? BOTH parents?

Hahahaha. Not since I learned to talk. Come on - no one does. Up yours Kirk Cameron.

6. God sees hatred in the heart to be as wicked as murder. We can violate His Law by attitude and intent. Have you murdered OR held HATRED in your heart?

Shit! Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from killing people is the prospect of hell. Had I known that hate was just as bad I might as well have started picking people off the sidewalk with automatic weapons YEARS ago! My only obstacles are a.) jail time and b.) I tend to hate unkillable things - like Colorado winters and Will Ferrell.

7. Have you ever LOOKED at ANYONE who was NOT YOUR CURRENT MARRIED SPOUSE (of the opposite sex) with lust in your heart?

Ummm . . . sometimes Zahra and I go out with the intent to find people to lust after. If I've had a few drinks I may even start lusting after inanimate objects! Sooooo . . .

8. Have you ever taken ANYTHING that belonged to someone else (from the office, school, parents, etc.)? A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G? No matter how small?

Does virginity count? Chad:0, Kirk Cameron:8

9. Regardless of the reason WHY or how righteous you were being at the time, have you EVER EVER EVER LIED?

Who are we kidding? I lied in my answer to question 4! (The true answer would be "no")

10. Have you ever desired ANYTHING that belongs to another person? Their house, their car, their money, their wife, their lifestyle, ANYTHING that belongs to our neighbor? A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G?

Yes. In fact, as I write this I would smash a box of kittens if I could lick the plate of the woman eating a cinnamon roll next to me. (That might get weird looks though . . . )

11. Does the fact that you have sinned against God scare you?

Well . . . kind of, but the thought of living a life that would allow me to say "no" to the previous 10 questions scares me wayyyyyyy more.

*****Oh God! The test actually gave a pop-up response to that answer! see below!*****

It should. You have actually angered Him by your sin.

The Bible says His wrath abides on you, that you are an "enemy of God in your

mind through wicked works."

Perhaps you think God is good and because of his goodness He will overlook your sins?



12. But if you knew of a human judge who turned a blind eye to the crimes of a guilty rapist... would you describe him as a "good" judge? Hmmmmm. Am I the rapist? Wait. I'm not a rapist - I'm just saying - I've totally broken the law before and had judgements against me. Do you think I thought that the judge was "good"? Fuck you. Let me hear an "Oh Chad, cut that out! Now get outta here, you crazy kid!" and we'll talk good judge!

***** Uh oh. Another reaction from the test . . . *****

God could never be a corrupt judge. He will punish all the rapists, murderers, and thieves... But he won't stop there. He will also punish all liars, the lustful, adulterers, idolaters, and blasphemers. The place of eternal punishment is Hell.

Well, I'm fucked!

13. What is your current spiritual direction?

This doesn't have a yes/no answer. It has multiple choice answers of:

A) Christianity

B) Islamic

C) Judaism

D) Buddhism (and any other not listed)

Well, I don't exactly have an affiliation with any one organized religion, so I guess I'm lumped in with the Buddhists (Read: religious deviants who are TOTALLY going straight to fucking hell!)

14. Do you think you may someday accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior and live your life strictly by the New Testament and how this test described how to live by the Ten Commandments?

You never know. I've tried my hand at rim-jobs. Is being born again that big of a leap??

Your Analysis

You scored 1% on to Heaven, higher than 75% of your peers.


So, I'm most likely going to Hell, but it looks like everyone else is coming with me! Party at my fiery place!!

P.S. You don't fool me, Kirk Cameron! You just reworded the ten commandments. That, my friend? Is plagiarism. I'll bet if Old Testament God was here to

smite your pious ass you wouldn't be so high and mighty.

P.P.S. Kirk Cameron is a prick.


  1. Oh much better. Now don't use Word to compose blog posts and you'll probably get to go to one of the more comfortable rings of hell.

  2. As I said yesterday, before you revised making my comment disappear (which I am sure is another point for the going to hell side on Kirk Cameron test)... there are SOOOO many things I could say to this... but the most important thing is, AAAAHHHHHahahahahaha!

  3. it's a good thing I'm half asleep, otherwise I would be filled with so much rage for degenerate, dissolusioned, PRIMITIVE, illogical, self-righteous, scum sucking, wastes of space like kirk cameron and all other retarded followers of organized religion!!!! maybe I do have the energy for rage after all. . .Eff those effing clowns! they had better stay the HELL away from me or I will show them what sin is. . .true ANIMALISTIC sin, to treat them like the ANIMALS they are, no better than a damned garden snale (and with their ideals, in my humble keep-to-myself-unless-you-ask opinion, much dumber than a garden snale)
    you are what's poison about the human race. . .
    --heart you chaddy--

  4. Oh Vanessa! You should give sermons.
    Love you!

  5. Whenever I think, "Dude, Linds, you're an asshole," I console myself with, "Chad would TOTALLY be on board with this." And that gives me great peace. I'm so glad there will be so many other awesome people joining us in Hell - we're going to have so much fun! Rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. You are on a ROLL, my friend!