Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Movie Review: "New Moon"

I went to see the second installment in the Twilight series just this past Thanksgiving weekend. I was reluctant to go seeing as this is a movie (and series) aimed towards the female market from 12 to 20.

I sat down with my snacks in hand hoping to see some dramatic vampire biting and zombie-esque world takeover-type scenes. No. Instead I got some 17-year-old guy taking his shirt off, causing all the female audience to go into a swoon. There was no vampire biting, but rather a lot of super-human running, jumping and people changing into werewolves. And since when did vampires have powers that allow them to see people's souls and read their thoughts and super sense of smell? Instead of turning into a pile of fine grey ash when a vampire's skin is contaced under the sunlight, these vampires look all sparkly, like they are wearing a bunch of trashy makeup from the Westminster mall (it still is the best part of Christmas...).

Not only are these vampires and werewolves non-traditional, the main protagonist "Bella", played by Kristen Stuart, is bland, boring and emotionless. Even when she's trying to be emotive (like in her several recurring nightmares which cause her to scream in her sleep) it's forced. It's like they cast a female version of me to play this Bella girl. She's as average-looking as can be, and is drawn like ants to a picnic to the pasty British vampire guy. Why Bella?! He is going to eat you eventually! If not him, his family will for sure! Of course he can marry you, 'cause if it doesn't work out, he can eat/kill you - and he can just go on living for another 100 years or so. If it were up to me, I would go with the werewolf guy, sure he'll maim you if you talk back, but just don't talk back. And, he fixed up a motorcycle for you. What did the pasty guy do? Abandon you and go to Italy to try to commit suicide, that's what!


Did I mention Dakota Fanning is in the movie? She plays some high-ranking vampire, because yes, vampires have their own secret government and rules. Her special power is that she can do some sort of Darth Vader death grip-type stare that causes the victim to terribly cringe and writhe in pain (possibly eventually killing them). I figure that they ran out of special effects budget on making the werewolf change from a man, to a werewolf and back. So they figured they will make it up in 'acting'.


I give 'Twilight' 2 out of a possible 5 stars.


  1. Is it wrong that now I kinda want to see it? And isn't Bella the same girl that played the little diabetic boy in Panic Room?!?!

  2. Sigh. The best part of Christmas IS indeed the Westminster mall. The writer must have been shopping there and had an epiphany "That's it! They will sparkle and have crunchy hair!" I still love it :)