Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Chaddy's Guide to Extravagant Purchases -Or- Tiffany's Makes a Sterling Silver Pretzel!


Sometimes I indulge, sometimes I don't. It depends, really - when it comes to clothes and stuff I'm a big fan of cheap, second hand, one-step-removed-from-disposable garments. I do make exceptions for something that I consider more of an investment.

My closet investments meet the following criteria:

1. Not trendy
2. I'll probably have them for the rest of my life
3. Won't wear out (either thanks to durability or the inability for me to parade it around daily the way I'd like)
4. The need for them will arise with certainty
5. This I'll fill in later in case I find something I have to buy, but can't justify it with my first four criteria . . .

Can we take a moment to talk about the above picture? Squeeee!! I LOVE them. They're cufflinks from Barneys and may be my most extravagant possession. I could've bought like 40 pairs of cufflinks from Target and still come out ahead. Why didn't I? Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life relying on Target cufflinks for momentous occasions (Chelsea and Natalie's weddings - I'm talking to you!)

Lets move on to other extravagant things - cars? I won't do it. If a car is expensive that means its even more expensive to maintain. (unless someone is handing out Porsche Speedsters - in that case I'll take one in black)
Homes? Sure. Within reason. Have a big fun house with all the bells and whistles. But when you get to the point where you've run out of practical things and are now forced to sit in a quiet room and come up with shit to spend money on - too far. Like gold bathroom fixtures (I've TOTALLY seen them and had to leave before I started trying to chip away and load up my pockets with chunks of toilet seat) or a home theatre with mezzanine seating. If you have that kind of cash - rent a fucking theatre. You'll use it once at most.

There are some people that have so much money that they literally have to throw it away as fast as possible. These people, I think, should be drug out into the street and poked with garden tools while we all split their bank accounts amongst us so we can afford health insurance, or a new transmission, or whatever we need that is more noble than their ridiculous collections of crap.

An SEC filing from Tyco alleges that Dennis Kozlowski (Tyco CEO) spent company funds on unauthorized purchases including $15,000 for a dog-shaped umbrella stand, $6,300 for a sewing basket, $17,000 for a traveling toilette box, $2,200 for a gold-plated wastebasket, $2,900 on coat hangers, $1,650 for an appointment book, $5,900 for sheets, $445 for a pincushion, and $6,000 on a shower curtain. Is he fucking kidding me?!?!

Chef Domenico Crolla has cooked up what could turn out to be the world's most expensive pizza, and is probably already the priciest for its size. The 12-inch pizza is worth about $2,800. Dubbed the Pizza Royale 007, it has an organic crust with a sunblush tomato pizza sauce, smoked salmon, venison medallions, cognac-marinated lobster and champagne-soaked caviar. The whole pie is topped with 24-karat edible gold.

Let me reiterate. This gold topped fucking pizza could turn out to be the world's most expensive? What the shit could be a contender?! There must be one out there somewhere where the crust is actually made out of Queen Elizabeth's vagina.

If you can fork out 3 grand on something that you are literally going to turn into shit. Sorry. You are not allowed to play with money anymore. Now pack up your wallet and checkbook and ship it to your nearest salvation army or VWIN or something. I WILL take 10% - afterall, it was my idea :)

P.S. My cufflinks from Barney's were totally on sale

P.P.S. So I got Matty a pair too

P.P.P.S. We've earned our cufflinks people! Matt does SO much for me without asking anything in return - and I'm his friend and deserve it by association!

P.P.P.P.S. While some douche is out there eating what may or may not be the world's most expensive pizza I had lunch at Hooters with Matt.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Did I just give you a different kind of judgemental ammo?


  1. Favorite.post.ever. Pppppps: I'm planning my wedding around your cufflinks. Ha!

  2. Now I just need a shirt that I can wear said cufflinks with.

  3. That, my friend? Is justification for buying a new swanky poplin!

  4. Are you kidding me?!?! And I spent all day yesterday trying to justify why I should buy a $300 yearly gym membership!?!?! F!!! Give me a shaving of that gold some f'er is going to put in his mouth and then crap out... That should cover it!!! Ass monkeys!!!

  5. I'm on the look out for a similar tie clip to match your cuff links. I'm thinking a "VANgo" would work. If I find one I'll make sure that I get two of them, one for each of you.

  6. That's Freaking Hilarious!!!