My Good Advice for Zahra

I've always been a slightly critical person AND don't really have a knack for pushing compliments I don't mean. Okay - I probably do, but a) honesty is easier and b) I want you to be honest with me.

Besides - what takes more time away from your life in a response to the following question "Do I look fat in this?"

Saying no takes way more energy because there's always the task of having to convince the fat person you're being sincere (nice)

Say yes and it's over. You're not doing your fat friend any favors letting them go out looking like they just won a pie-eating contest after lunch.

In the cases where your friend truly doesn't look fat you can say no and then rather than plead your case of sincerity simply remind them of all the times you didn't spare their feelings.

Them: Do I look fat in this?

You: No

Them: Are you just saying that?

You: Remember that time I told you that all you needed to do was put a ring through your nose and matadors will be poking you in the neck?

Them: . . . yeah.

You: I'm not here to spare your feelings. I'm here to be a good friend. Now go get me a cupcake as a reward.

ANYWAY - I got to give good ole Zahra some email advice today as to how she should do herself up for an upcoming wedding!

Spit it out, spit it out!!

Yesterday while at work I got to enjoy some cake!

Mmmmmmm!!

Delicious cake! Left over from a birthday party somewhere at the other end of my building. This happens almost daily. Cake cake cake.

Sooooo . . . because I see cake on a very regular basis you'd think I wouldn't go crazy when I see it. We're talking shark-near-chum crazy. My eyes roll into the back of my head, I unhinge my jaw, etc.

Back to yesterday at work. I'm sitting at my lab table getting ready to eat cake with Amber and Troy. While cutting the cake a little chunk fell from the plate and onto a petri dish. I picked it up and ate it. Amber and Troy stared at me.

Chad: What??

Troy: Did you just eat that out of a petri dish?

Chad: . . . ummm . . . no . . .

Troy: I just had tarantula molts in there.

Amber: I just had bedbugs in there

Chad: . . .

It's a fact that your mouth is the dirtiest part of your body (dirtier than even your rectum!) so I feel like my mouth was probably dirtier than that petri dish cake.

In addition to standard bacteria found in the human mouth . . . (**ahem**)

There was the time I was cleaning out storage cabinets at work and found a tea bag and thought "I need to make me some tea!". It tasted like something that would leak from the bottom of your fridge when the power is out.

There was the time I was helping Zahra clean out her purse and found a mini toblerone that she had been holding on to like it was a savings bond. Chocolate probably shouldn't crumble. It should melt in your mouth, not bead up and roll around on your tongue.

Then there was the time Matt and I removed all of the interior from his '72 Beetle. I found a mint in the floorboards and promptly ate it. It fizzed in a hurty way. And Matt looked like he was going to finger sweep my mouth like he was my dad and I was a two year old that was eating a quarter . . .

Heehee.

At least I've moved up to eating old/dirty sweets and left behind my problem of kissing things I shouldn't. Enjoy (while I cringe) exhibits A, B, and C

Dead Squid in a disection lab.

Stuffed Brown Bear in a sports bar in Lodo.

Patrick Casto.*

*(It was St. Patrick's Day - of course drinking was involved)

If I were a betting man . . .

If I were a betting man I'd be living in the gutter eating my own shoes.

This is because evidently I don't have good bettin' instincts.

Case in point:

about 21 minutes ago my brilliant and gorgeous cousin, Melissa sent me a video for a PSA about testicular cancer. I watched it and thought I'd bet anything that this is a bad SNL skit or something . . . Nay nay. In fact, it is a legitimate PSA (one of many) made by CBScares and aired during 60 minutes.

Let's watch!

60 fucking minutes aired this. Did the CEO of CBS recently suffer a stroke? Recently as in while they were pitching this idea?!?!

"Hey guys! You know what's coming up? Valentines Day! And I don't know what says Valentine's Day like a testicular exam!"

As hilarious as I think it is I don't think it was done very well. The marketing people at CBS need some schoolin' from yours truly.

How exactly is grabbing your nuts to check for lumps better for your significant other than a diamond? I think that they should be aiming towards the idea of spending Valentine's Day performing exams on each other!

She gives you a testicular exam - you give her a breast exam!

This could be made into a whole series!!

*Ahem* Marketing people . . . you. are. welcome.

Best Friends: Check each other for scoliosis. Routine exams are the backbone of true friendship!

First Dates: Check eachother for cavities and/or early signs of gum disease. Let them know they're the only sweetie you put in your mouth.

Valentines Day: See above

1 Year Anniversary: Pap smears for your partners. There's one sure fire way to show you love her for what's on the inside.

10 Year Anniversary: Prostate Exam. Give him a gift he'll never forget.

The slogans write themselves!

Better than that - if relationships last long enough you'll probably be the most healthy person on the planet!

Of course - you always risk losing your partner once you utter the words "Honey, I got you something better than a diamond this Valentine's Day. I got you the family jewels."

Trust me - I think I've ended relationships this way.

Except I wasn't refereing to having just given myself a testicular exam exactly . . .

Oooh . . . That's hot!

I realize that, for the sake of good taste, I should have (long ago) written "Chad's Guide to Sexy Art".

Better late than never (or pregnant) - but because we're in a race against time I'm not making a formal guide - rather a short list.

Here is my list of things you should NEVER try to make sexy:

1. Disney Characters

2. Bad people

3. People who are ugly when clothed

4. Dead people

5. Anyone with a prosthetic.

Oh wait - I'm sorry. It looks as though my list is too late.

My bad.

P.S. For anyone thinking "Hades isn't a dead person! He's the God of the Underworld." I must say Seriously? That's what you have a problem with??

P.S.S. And to those same people: judging me and NOT sexy disney villain art means you are a little creepy

P.S.S.S. Even though I just had the thought it doesn't look like Hades' pubes are blue fire . . . hmmmm . . . I maintain that YOU are still the creepy one.

P.S.S.S.S. No, I'm NOT protesting too much.

P.S.S.S.S.S. Shut up.

Junk Mail

I have recently been working on my finances. More specifically I have decided to solve the mystery of I make a decent living so how can I possibly be broke ALL THE TIME?

Answers keep popping up and I have a beautiful example. My email address at mac.com is ending soon and to renew it (like I always do) is $100.

$100! For a service I can get for FREE through gmail - which I totally do now. But I need to be sure I don't lose anything in my switch . . . other than my mind.

Sooooo I've been going through all of my email folders to see if there's anything important. I've found a few things. Among them is the realization that I abuse the email system with . . . well . . . strange things.

Luckily I don't send to the masses, but generally to a couple of people. Which pretty much means Matt.

Here is a little sampling of what Matt's inbox looks like. So sit back and enjoy!

From: Chaddy

Date: May 14, 2010 8:46:27 AM

To: Matty

Subject: I came downstairs today...

To An upset back yard. When they told the butcher they wanted the head

cut off they assumed he would throw it away. But he included it and

now it has to be thrown in a ditch.

I've never seen "dispose of pig head" on a wedding to-do list before.

A pig head.

Mississippi is f*ed up!

***************************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: May 08, 2010 1:31:26 PM

To: Matty

Subject: My rental car

The guy says "I've got an HHR for ya"

And I'm like "what is that? Some kind of form?"

********************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: April 04, 2010 8:54:43 AM

To: Matty ,Lindsey

Subject: Hero Bee (Beero?)

So last summer when I was collecting feral bees with Patrick he got

stung by one

(very funny)

(and kind of sad)

(but mostly just funny)

So I stumbled upon the bee that stung his ho ass and performed it's

necropsy last night.

Poor bee.

See all the entrails dangling out of her stinger hole?

At least she went down in a blaze of glory. Teehee.

********************************************************************************

From: Chaddy

Date: March 31, 2008 3:16:50 PM

To: Matty

Subject: Squid

The whole time I was doing this I was thinking "I'll never question

matt's weird class assignments again! Just make the smell go away!!"

So if you ever question why you have to make a radio out of a rock-

remember that I wonder why I have to know the gonads of a squid by

sight...

(its #5 by the way)

***************************************************

And now for my personal favorite example of the grave importance of my email correspondence:

From: Chaddy

To: Matty, Zahra

Date: March 02, 2009 09:45:16 AM MST

Subject: my morning is full of laughing at the GIS students

wuttup homie?

So - because i'm bored and the only thing keeping me from going to starbucks is that i'm also lazy. (i'm totally allowing myself to go though . . . i haven't gone since last week!) I'm going to give you a play by play of my morning.

1:00 AM

Go to bed after watching hilarious (only to me) episodes of Ren & Stimpy with Heather, followed by Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. *Do you think She and LL Cool J got into a 90s "hip-hop off" on the set? I really hope so.*

6:19 AM

Hate Zahra for sending me text messages regarding a voicemail I left her yesterday. Not even an important voicemail! I just called to tell her that Bob called me while he was taking a dump and told me about it (yes, i hung up)

8:02 AM decide to schlep my way to the bathroom. hate my bladder, still hate zahra a little more.

8:04 AM turn on Sex and the City playlist on my iPod, because showering just seems easier with Cheryl Lynn gargling about how I got to be real!! Also, doesn't everyone feel like they look amazing when getting dressed to fergie?! Let's hope so, my cold sore looks like a plate of italian nachos.

8:15 AM

Open bedroom door to let Sabrina out - accidentally let Heather in. Dancing Heather. uuuuggghhhh. i'm assuming she remembered something important she had to do and THATS why she scurried away - not because of the look i shoot ANYONE who dances into my room before I've had coffee.

8:30 AM

Heather shows off her "earrings" (read: gallstones with hooks) to me. how can someone have such little self awareness??

8:31 AM

Make fun of heather's gallstone earrings. kindly recommend she find another pair.

8:32 AM

Heather refuses to find another pair - she thinks they look GOOOOD! While telling me how she has way better taste than me (really? you're wearing what appears to be an old halloween ninja costume) she accidentally drops a gallstone earring down the sink that i forgot to put the stopper in.

8:33 AM

While telling heather that Lord God, Creator of the Heavens and Earth, ALSO thinks those earrings are heinous I secretly thank Zahra in my head. Several days ago when I asked her if i should put the stopper for the sink in she replied "why?! No!! What are they going to be doing in there? spa facials?! leave it alone so we can go to sonic!"

Zahra is forgiven for stupid text message this morning.

8:45 AM

walk into every room of house with no intent. just bored.

8:50 AM

still bored

8:55 AM

still bored

9:00 AM

remember how Bob wants to borrow my scooter. don't want to let him. how to say no?? hmmmm

9:01 AM

get sidetracked and move from thinking about Bob to thinking about cupcakes. (Do I have a secret stash in the kitchen????)

9:02 AM

HALLELUJAH!! Secret cupcake (and there's more where that came from) in tow, I shuffle to the computer to check if my professor emailed me to tell me that class is cancelled.

9:04 AM

No

9:05 AM

read some weird email addressed to science and technology students. "That's Me and Matt!! Squeeee!"

It's about some rally to conceive of green ways of living. Science and technology suck. Are we the only departments that are hounded by this? At least I get to giggle about the two examples of science and technology majors in my head are also the two biggest contributers that I know to CFCs in the air from classic car (way better than hybrid) pollution. If driving our amazing vehicles is so wrong then why are we exempt from tailpipe emissions bitches?! wooooo!!!

9:07 AM

decide that Matt HAS to read this email! OF COURSE he'll think it's as funny/ironic as i do!!

Matt will probably delete it immediately - I'll copy and paste it in my own email! (seen below). . . .

>LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WITH GREEN TECHNOLOGY

>Attention all science and technology majors!! Here is your opportunity to hear about sustainable and alternative practices in your field.

>Speakers from Colorado Conservation Trust, SWCA Environmental Consultants, and Colorado School of Mines will be discussing topics such as creative solutions in environmental management with GIS and fuel cell technology research in the Front Range.

>

>FREE Food and Refreshments

>

>March 4th 2009 Science 138 11:30-1 pm

>

>Hosted by Metro State Environmental Science Organization &

>The GIS Club of Metro State

9:37 AM

did i really just spend a half hour relating my uneventful morning to a more than likely unimpressed bubeleh? yeah, i guess i did. But I got me a cupcake bitches!!!!

see ya soon

Chad

Lots of Ladybugs . . . or at least another type of Beetle

Most people know that I love Love LOVE my job!

I get to wake up and go to work where I spend anywhere from 8 to 14 hours playing.

I walk around with Jungle Nymphs on my shoulder like they're parrots. . .

Sometimes I have stern talkins-to with tarantulas about boundary issues regarding my iced chai . . .

Sometimes I make fun of children's artwork . . .

(Come on people. This 3rd grader knew exactly what he was doing. I'm counting AT LEAST 3 rim jobs going on here and I think 1 has a little insertion. Sick.)

But I also do work. This year I've been focusing on breeding things that we've never been able to breed in captivity before.

Let's see . . .

Right now I have a species of spider that I need to figure out how to couple without getting

them killed or me sent to the ER

One species of beetle that I can't figure out the right soil composition for the female to lay eggs in.

Another species of beetle that I'm trying like mad to find a second plant the larvae will eat because the first plant, kudzu vine, the USDA won't let anywhere near a US port of entry.

A mantis that needs a temperature about 30 degrees higher than the other animals in the room

And another mantis that needs humidity about twice as high as everyone else in the room.

And while I'm experimenting over and over and failing over and over, guess what happened . . .

the little Blue Death Feigning Beetles from the Sonoran desert - an animal that no one has ever been able to captively breed - has quietly been laying eggs and raising their grubs in a tank right in front of me. This ground breaking thing is happening without my help at all while I can't replicate what others have already done before.

There's a story from Under the Tuscan Sun that tells of a girl who used to hunt for ladybugs and never caught any. Then one day she fell asleep in the grass and when she woke up she was covered in ladybugs.

That's totally me! Except with Blue Death Feigning Beetles. Plus, while the little girl probably kept them in a jar until they slowly suffocated and/or starved to death - I am off to work on publishing.

In yo' face little girl!!

Temperence Brennen is a fucking liar.

For years now Matt has been talking about this 'Bones' show. I've never really cared to watch it - which means I really don't care to hear about it.

I totally do it too, so I'm a hypocrit - but let's get past this and focus on what really needs to be said: If you find a program interesting you will never translate that interest to others by telling them episode plots.

The only way to get someone to love a show with you is to get them to watch it. And the best way to get them to watch it is to get them to feel like they NEED to watch it at least once. The best way to do this? In my case - tell me I remind you of someone on the show.

This has never been a compliment to me. I've been compared to people on tv before and it never fails to anger me. So after years of Matt telling me "so last night on Bones . . . " or "Gina and I were watching Bones . . ." and my just hearing white noise after that my need to see it was finally activated by my horrible friend Josh who spent like three minutes telling me that I'm like someone he referred to as the "bug and slime guy".

I kind of already hate this.

A) oh good. Yet another time that my job has people seeing me as a 2-dimensional bug-loving character. I never NEVER get sick of that. Way to make me feel like there's othing to my life besides a respect for arthropods Josh. I hope I never get fired because I'll have nothing to live for. People will probably see me wandering street corners in ratty clothes looking for rolly pollys (which are technically crustaceans . . .)

B) even though Josh claims this was a compliment - perhaps he needs to read "Chad's Guide to Compliment Giving" that I posted on October 31st of 2009

ANYWAY - so thank goodness Bones is available on my instant Netflix so that I was able to immediately see this person who is just like me.

He is so ugly.

Also, he is a complete a-hole. I don't understand why anyone can stand him. He's snide and that's about it. I suppose he's smart, but he's not funny or charming or anything. He's just a douche that's always cranky. HE is a two dimensional character.

And he is so ugly.

Lets face it - compare me to anyone you want and no matter how painful they are to watch, it won't bother me at all compared to saying I remind you of some ugly guy.

Josh doesn't think he's ugly.

But Josh was backpedaling methinks.

Aside from Hodgins (the ugly bug and slime guy) I kind of dislike several aspects of the show. I dislike the two main characters (P.S. Zooey Deschanel TOTALLY got the looks in the family). I find it a little far fetched that these people are stumbling across decayed remains like all the time. At what point are they going to realize "hey, we seem to stumble upon a lot, I mean a LOT of human remains by accident. Maybe we should start hanging out somewhere else"

The thing that bothers me the most is the lab. Their beautiful lab that looks like a cross between the main entrance to the Louvre and an Ikea. No one has a lab that looks like that. NO ONE.

Hospitals don't even look tht clean and sterile.

Temperence Brennen? You and your lab are a big fat lie. LIE!!

So here's my official opinion of the show Bones:

I think it's phenomenal. Am I going to watch every season? Yes! I love the science behind everything, I love the plot lines, and most importantly I love Zack (word on the street is that after a couple seasons he goes into an insane asylum because he was found to be a serial killer apprentice. Thanks for ruining my favorite character on my new favorite show)

So thank you Josh.

But next time we want to get me to watch a show I've never seen, lets not compare me to someone with bug eyes and a fro . . .

Quick thoughts:

I wouldn't call myself an exhibitionist by any means - but am I the only person that really wants to fly somewhere just so I can go through DIA's bodyscan? Do you think they can give me a printout of my projected naked self?? Hmmmm . . .

In more upsetting news, it's something like 4º outside and cold weather always makes me have to pee. It's a tragic irony that when I come in from the freezing cold and head for the restroom the very LAST thing I want to touch is my junk.

Did I mention that I took a double dose of Benadryl a little bit ago?

Two Movie Reviews Disguised as a Story. Enjoy!

Picture it:

Berlin. September 2010.

Matt has just finished taken a shower and discovered me scratching at the bathroom door . . .

You may be thinking I reaaaaally had to go to the bathroom. You may even be thinking that I just wanted to help Matt towel dry!

But you would be wrong.

I had to get Matt out of the bathroom because we were under attack!

(And by "attack" I mean I SWORE I heard someone trying to break in through the front door. . .)

Matt looked at me like I was a crazy person.

But you know what? I was right to be wary. And here is my proof:

In the past couple of weeks I have watched 2 German . . . well, we'll just call them films.

#1: The Human Centipede

In this story there are two American tourists road-tripping through Europe. Their car breaks down in a rain storm and, rather than change the damn tire, they set of on foot for help. What do they find but a house occupied by a crazy German surgeon who promptly drugs them and brings them down to his lab. In his lab there is already a Japanese man strapped down.

Does this guy have big plans to sew them all together, mouth-to-anus, to create a big human centipede? You bet he does! Before you start to wonder too many things, let me answer all your questions.

Yes, it's gross.

Yes, it's unlikely that the 2nd and 3rd 'segments' would survive for long solely on fecal matter

Yes, there is a scene where the Japanese guy in front can't hold his poo any more and involuntarily craps directly into the mouth of the American chick sewn to his booty. (What makes this worse is the creepy German doctor saying "yesssss. Feeeed her!!")

Yes, Matt and I watched the ENTIRE thing.

My defense: It was a present from my curator because I love scary movies AND it's kind of work related!

#2: Otto, or Up With Dead People

A zombie comes to life in rural North Germany and hitches his way to Berlin to find himself. It turns out this zombie, named Otto, has a whole laundry list of issues other than being dead. He's an antisocial homosexual vegetarian zombie in search of . . . something more.

He meets up with - who else, but two morbid lesbians making - you guessed it! A ZOMBIE MOVIE!! (Guess who just found their star!!) Did I mention that for some reason one of the lesbians is only filmed in black and white and doesn't speak, but has piano accompaniment and old-timey captions? I guess she's a silent film lesbian?

My defense: It showed up on Instant Netflix's new arrivals page. I saw a zombie in an outfit I really liked so I hit play! I guess that'll teach me . . .

Sooooo. See what I mean? Germans breaking into our apartment? AWFUL!!

Matt finding out that it was our landlord's sister stopping by late at night to pick up the rent and I look like a psychopath? EVEN MORE AWFUL!!

At least we didn't get sewn together or have a gay horror-orgy. (tongue kissing AND intestine eating? You pick one or the other! Good day good sir!)

I Certainly Hope I Be Decent. Nahmean?

My friend Lindsey sent me a link recently that made me realize: at first glance we may seem very different, but really we all strive for one thing. One basic human need that is intrinsic in us all even if we don't all express it or realize it. The yearning for sweatpants to go away . . .

This link brought me to a series of "tweets" (God, I hate Twitter) (And anything else that tries to work the word 'tweet' into an audible statement) (Rockin' Robin? I'm talking to you too)

Anyway - it brought me to a series of tweets (gak!) by a rapper named Ghostface Killah. (Yes, It's a stupid STUPID name - but at least it isn't 'tweet')

It seems that Ghostface (I assume that since we have so much in common I don't need to address him as Mr. Killah. We're pretty much best friends in my mind) has had enough of people not putting any effort into their appearance.

Because his message is so valuable - I will translate it here for my non-fluent-in-gangsta friends out there. Lets make my translations yellow . . . you know, so you don't get us confused.

Ahem.

Ghostface says:

A lot of niggas don't know how to get busy.
1:27 PM Nov 3rd via web

I have recently become aware that many of my friends and colleagues are not sure how to take on a suitable appearance

A lot of y'all muthafuckas just throw on whatever whatever whatever and just think thats whats poppin and it's not poppin man.
1:28 PM Nov 3rd via web

Many of you feel that wearing something you would normally wear to bed or the gym is also appropriate for, say, going out for drinks. But it isn't.

Yo when you step out the crib, just make sure you match. Don't be coming outside on some like you Rainbow man or something like that G.
1:29 PM Nov 3rd via web

When you leave your house it is important to coordinate your clothes and accessories. Bold patterns and solids are always a good bet, but NEVER bold patterns mixed.

With mad different colors and shit and your gear ain't proper. You know what I mean? Make sure your swagger is up to par nahmean. You decent
1:30 PM Nov 3rd via web

Remember our motto: Flashy, not trashy. Make sure that you look appropriate for the occasion. Yoga pants are appropriate for YOGA. Flip flops are appropriate for VOLLEYBALL GAMES. Uggs are appropriate for . . . well, nothing. When in doubt ask a friend for advice!

You ain't gotta come out looking all Super Fly and dapper and all that shit but just make sure that your gear you know...that you official!
1:31 PM Nov 3rd via web

It isn't necessary to wear Marc Jacobs to the grocery store, but some effort is appreciated by those around you. Remember - there is a whole array of attire between formal and pajamas. It's called *blank*-casual.

You can take the wackest gear but make sure that gear, that K-Mart gear, whatever you wearing, you official wit it.
1:32 PM Nov 3rd via web

Again, couture is not necessary. But make sure that it's flattering, wears well, and makes you feel good about your appearance.

YOU bringing the steez to it. Nah mean?!
1:33 PM Nov 3rd via web

Style with ease (yes, I had to look it up. Thank you Urban Dictionary)

Make sure your foot game is official. A bitch don't like you to step to her acting like you trying to bag her with your shoes all bent up.
1:36 PM Nov 3rd via web

It isn't flattering to a lady (or gentleman) if she thinks you assume that she is so easily attainable that you can attempt to make advances in battered old sneakers. Make an investment in a good shoe that will last you awhile. Diesel makes wonderful casual shoes and Prada is pricey - but will last you a lifetime!

Or at least if your jeans is fucked up and you got a decent pair of kicks on, you might could be able to pull a bitch. She might go for it.
1:38 PM Nov 3rd via web

With appropriate shoes by your side you can probably get away with less-than-your-best jeans. A lady will overlook a hole in the knee if she sees a strong symbol of pride on your feet.

Your hair cut game gotta be live too.
1:40 PM Nov 3rd via web

Take pride in your hair as well . . .

Just make sure that your cut is good. If your cut is good and your kicks is good, you might could get the bitch.
1:41 PM Nov 3rd via web

A fresh hairstyle and decent footwear can go a long way with your intended romance

A lot of y'all niggas ain't LIVE. Nah mean. Out of 100 niggas it might be like 10 LIVE LIVE LIVE thats SUPER LIVE niggas!

1:43 PM Nov 3rd via web

Many of you are not as dapper as you think. The likelihood that you are as posh as you believe (according to a recent study by Ghostface Killah) is approximately 1 in 10.

The Rest Of Y'all Niggas Is BIRD NIGGAS! Straight Up!
1:44 PM Nov 3rd via web

The rest of you are mere posers. Seriously.

The type of niggas that just get punched in the face all day, robbed all day.
1:45 PM Nov 3rd via web

You anger society that takes offense to you're attitude of "I'm a trendsetter. Look at me wear Ugg boots with short shorts!".

Niggas that was getting stuck for they cupcakes man back in high school, Jr High, taking your Butter crunch man we know about that shit man.
1:47 PM Nov 3rd via web

These individuals most likely developed this arrogance as early as high school or junior high. As a result they may have (rightly so) been the target of bullying. Bullying, and perhaps a few instances of stabbings for any cupcakes you may have on your person. Bullies know how to expose your weaknesses, and that is usually through brutal theft of your cupcakes and/or your Butter crunches. That will take you down a notch.

Like I said, out of 100 niggas it might be like 10 LIVE niggas out of 100 niggas man and which one are YOU nigga. Point it out nigga.
1:49 PM Nov 3rd via web

1 in 10 individuals truly have style, while the rest are delusional. Which one are you, good sir or madam?

and is you sure about that dude!
1:49 PM Nov 3rd via web

Let's reflect on our wardrobe for a moment. Do you have good taste? Really?

Pictures of Your Kids

Yeah.

I'll probably never be that guy that pulls out pictures of my kids to anyone with the faintest interest.

However - I already am that guy that does so with shoes. Something that I imagine my close knit group of loved ones to be very excited about.

For example: Yesterday when Matt was hard at work, getting ready to start his weekend, he was probably very relieved to get this picture message from me:

They match my wiener dog!!

They're my new Matt-inspired shoes. Black and camel pikolinos that pretty much feel like your walking around on a cloud made of buttery leather.

And this? Is why people don't like to give their phone number out . . .

Our Very First Tag!!

My friend Ana from Caffeine and Cocktails has tagged Matt and I. My head has explained it to me in this manner:

Remember that semester in college when you were obsessed with Myspace? This is kind of like all of those quizzes you'd take. Ana tagged you guys. So answer her questions, make up your own and tag blogs you love.

Oooh! Fun! I LOVE answering questions about me!

Because I'm giving Matt a break from Chad (the poor guy spent nearly 300 hours with me attached at the hip with no breaks) I will be answering these exciting questions on behalf of both of us to the best of my ability.

Let's look at Ana's questions!!

1. If they were to make a biopic of your life what would it be titled and who would be casted to play you?

If I were already dead it could have a way cool title - like The Unravelling of A High Strung Kook - but neither Matt or myself are dead it would need an ominous title. Maybe something ironic like Critical Indifference. I like that. I'm critical - Matt is indifferent. It works.

Who would play us? I have a list of people that I think resemble Matty. Starting with Dick York from the early Bewitched years and ending with Jim Carrey in Cable Guy. I've never found anyone that looks like me. I've never been told that anyone looks like me either. I think that due to a lack of options our biopic would have to have me animated. Geez, that's depressing. Everyone likes to be compared to pretty celebrities - so why not me? However - Matt being an actor and Chad being an animation would be Who Framed Roger Rabbit? level of badass!

2. What is your favorite dessert? Be specific.

Hmmmm. That's tough. We're both very inclusive with sweets. So in the spirit of specifics I will go with favorite dessert of the week! Matt is now borderline-stalker-obsessed with Wispa bars. Its a deliciously aerated milk chocolate bar made by Cadbury. Picture chocolate mousse in a candy bar wrapper! (They are exquisite!!)

I, on the other hand, just went back to work and was greeted by a wonderful triple chocolate cake. It was super moist, super sweet, and best of all, super devoted to me. I even ignored the spelling error and saw it as an opportunity to eat as much as I could until the poor English was a distant memory.

Also - how did my coworkers convince a bakery to put a picture of two tarantulas mating on a cake? They're probably still thinking "What the fuck did we just send out into the world?"

3. What's your favorite cocktail, shot, and wine? In that order.

I think we're both beer men. But cocktail wise I will always lean toward cape cods and Matty will most likely take a rum and coke. Shots? I'll take anything that doesn't involve pineapple or coconut. I don't do tropical shots. I think Matt has vowed to stay away from shots since his Old Chicago shot night that ended up being his Old Chicago bathroom head-in-the-pot night. Matt also isn't the biggest fan of wine (I think) - so he probably won't have a preference. That's okay. I'll take his. While I don't love wine either - I am a drunk.

4. What is your favorite holiday? How would you celebrate it?

I have to be honest. I have NO idea what Matt's favorite holiday is. Mine would be Halloween. I love the creepy factor. Jack-O-Lanterns, Black Cats and Skeletons, Wicked Witch silhouettes over full moons? Its the best! Last year I celebrated it by reading to little kids and then I went to a party downtown where I felt like a cheap piece of meat (not complaining!). I totally won a costume contest too! I was the mouse from "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie"

5. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go and why?

Me? I'd go to Dior. Whichever one has the largest section pour homme. (I need fall clothes! Squeee!) (Too gay??) Also - I should mention that the scenario that involves me being able to transport ANYWHERE problem free also comes with an unlimited line of credit and my bill? Does NOT come to me, but is instead portioned out and distributed amongst my exes. Well - now I'm just super depressed that this isn't happening like - tonight!

Matt? Hmmm - I suppose he'd be happy anywhere with food and a bathroom. . .

6. How would you describe your personal style?

We're very similar. If we were chocolate bars Matty would be a Mars bar. I'd be a Snickers - which is a Mars bar with nuts. We both start out with chocolate (casual shoes) caramel (t-shirts) and nougat (jeans) - but I have the little bit extra: nuts. I tend to be more insecure than little Matt so I like to layer a lot more.

Outside of clothes we're still very similar. What I call "vintage modern". Classics with a modern spin. Like shaving with with a straight razor, but using L'Occitane shaving soap. Tooling around town in a 72 Beetle listening to your iPod. Stuff we both do.

Otherwise we are very different. Matt is very balanced and demure. I have violent mood swings and am a *tad* more crass. Matt is independent and conventional. I am emotionally crippled, yet wildly devoted. A combination that makes me very symbiotic on friendships.

7. What do you keep in your Box of "It's Not Going to Work Out"? (Basically, what secrets do you keep from your significant other that may make you look a little bat shit crazy?)

Hahaha! I'm afraid not much. Probably why I'm significant other-less. Because Matt's been married since about the 6th grade he doesn't have any secrets from his significant other because he didn't have much of a past to develop any. I am concerned that one day he will run amuck with an automatic weapon and let his secret desire spill onto police demand lists . . .

8. Tonight you can do anything without worry of cost... what would you do?

Damn. It's 7:30 on a Sunday night. So I can't legally buy anything. I guess that leaves me with malice. I'd probably settle all my scores via vandalism and use my monetary freedom as my parachute! Then I'd order an obscene amount of shit online - because who doesn't love getting packages?

Matt would hire a hitman to rub out his mother-in-law. (And since I'll be in the gettin' even business - I'll be for hire. Cheap.) (What can I say? I'm a good friend!)

That was more exhausting than I thought. I guess its a different story when I'm not trying to kill time between Virology and Analytical Chemistry. I've lost my steam. The GOOD news is that every blog I follow has already been tagged with the exception of two - so I'm tagging The Daily Update and A Writer's Landscape. Hosted by my sweet cousin Melissa and my amazing friend Josheleh, respectively.

So go read away! And continue to read their blogs or I will probably cut you. As you can see from the above answers - I'm both crazy AND hellbent on mayhem.

Physically, I'm Great

On September 26th Matt woke up from a much deserved nap to a half naked Chad bursting at the seams with eagerness.

It was time for Matt to remove my stitches!

Those itchy itchy stitches.

It was phenomenal! Actually, it felt like Matt was flossing my skin, but whatever. I was excited. After I finished mentally congratulating Matt on his surgical prowess I realized that if only all of my problems could be solved with Matt's skilled hands . . .

Chad's 10 Little Things that make him look S-L-O-W while in Europe:

1. No matter how many times Matt forewarns me I will ALWAYS try to pull doors open. Which makes me look like a complete tool. People realize I'm either A) stupid or B) American. Six of one, half a dozen of the other . . .

2. I enjoy drip coffee. Which is kind of like asking for a cup of unicorn in Europe.

Chad: I. Would. Like. Just. Plain. Iced. Co. Ffee.

Barista: Next time you need to ask for Americano.

Chad: NEXT. TIME. I. WANT. AN. AMERICANO... I. WILL.

Although -I've always wondered why they call cafe americanos that. My best guess is that it was created for European coffee shops to try to imitate American coffee. Because they only have espresso and Nescafe -which is dirty river water. But, in their defense - the espresso is A-Mazing. Non of this Starbucks "my machine must pull my shots for me business"

3. While I look both ways when crossing the street - I do it in the wrong order if I'm in London. Which means that while I'm looking left I'm walking right in front of traffic coming from my right and Matt has to jerk my arm out of the socket to save me - like I'm his blind, deaf child.

4. I WILL make a big deal over every Porsche, Volkswagen, Skoda, Fiat, etc. that I see on the road. Which is time consuming because that's all they have. Matt and I saw an Isetta in Wolfsburg Germany and I was basically a drooling puddle of gushing love.

5. When at restaurants I'm conditioned to waitstaff checking on you. Or at least bringing your check. Which means: until I realize that it's time for me to use my pushy set of lips, I'm sitting at a table with empty plates and glasses and the staff is wondering why the hell won't that guy ask for his bill and get out of here?

6. The excitement I clearly FAIL at suppressing when ordering a beer to go with my Royale with cheese at McDonalds makes me look like an insane person.

7. When Matt finds a candy bar he loves that you just can't get in the US - I'm probably going to load up my arms with it to stock up. Do the cashiers see a well intentioned person looking out for the delight of his friend? No. They probably see an slow moving American trying to buy 21 Wispa bars. I think that I? Am a big part of the reason the world thinks the US is over-indulgent.

8. I have been raised in an asphalt world. Which means that when I've had a beer AND my legs are exhausted from walking - sending me out into cobblestone streets is just asking for physical comedy

9. I love me some yellow mustard. The people of central Europe? Don't even know what it is. Neither of us happened to know the German word for 'mustard' which left me telling a waitress in broken German that Matt and I wanted our hamburgers to be more yellow . . .

10. While Matt would prefer to watch the news in our Berlin apartment - I would much rather watch The Nanny dubbed in German. Matt always knew that the second he would take a shower he could expect me to 1st) change the channel and 2nd) interrupt his shower by barging in to give him play-by-plays of plot development. Nanny Fine liebe Herr Sheffield.

Fun with lists!

Hi all! it's been a while since I've blogged, and I've leaned heavily on Chad to keep all the gaps filled-in, but I just started a new job, which brings me to my list of today: jobs I have held...

1. Carnie
2. Grocery boy
3. Applebee's host
4. Grocery night stalker
5. Warehouseman
6. Tire buster
7. Real estate admin
8. Barista (thanks to you Chad)
9. Car salesman
10. Barista at Braun's bar and grill
11. Sam's Club - gas station attendant, electronics sales, and tire busting
12. Sofa Mart - warehouse, routing delivery trucks and delivery driver
13. Race car parts fabricator
14. High-end sculpture awards fabricator
15. Orthodontic Product Designer
16. Real estate admin (calling all those who were in foreclosure)
17. Freelance designer/fabricator
18. Home Depot flooring associate
19. Master Artist at a mannequin manufacturer
20. Warranty department lead

I also have done my fair share of freelance fabrication and repair, and I also helped fix and flip a house. And I suppose you could count 'musician' in there somewhere...

What you got for job lists?

Not itching like a dirty ho no mo'

I'm cancer free . . .

Hooray!

But I'm still not . . . erm . . . 'pre-cancer' free?

I don't exactly know what it means either. I have "pre-cancer".

Here's an idea: if there are people out there with the ability to tell what will some day be cancer. Why the fuck aren't they scanning the masses when they're babies?

Anyway. Pre-cancer schmancer. What I'M more upset about is having to deal with the Dream Team again.

Lets look back, okie?

I had two chunks of skin with suspected melanoma corkscrewed out of me and stitched up.

The Dream Team called me and said "Yeah. . . We need to corkscrew out more. But this time we're using a much bigger corkscrew. So . . . let's make you an appointment!"

I made an appointment.

For yesterday morning.

To have BIGGER chunks taken out.

Nurse: Good morning, Chad. It looks like we're going to be taking your stitches out today.

Me: Yep.

Nurse: And it looks like we need to schedule an excision.

Me: Actually, that's supposed to be today.

Nurse: No

Me: Yes

Nurse: No - it says here that you're scheduled to have stitches removed.

Me: Yeah. Stitches . . . and the hunk of meat they're sewn in to.

Nurse: Yeah, actually [Dr Awkward Touch] likes to do surgery later in the morning.

Me: Why does that matter? Is he eating it for lunch?

Nurse: That's funny.

Me: So I have to schedule ANOTHER appointment?

Nurse: Yeah. But the front desk (the Dream Team) will help you out with that!

Me: How about instead of sending me to the front desk staff you just blindfold me and start hitting me with a stick.

Nurse: Haha! Now lets get those stitches out!

Chad: (eyes rolling wildly) okay.

Nurse: Ooh! These have healed nicely!

Chad: Good.

Nurse: Yeah! The skin has even started to heal over the stitches! I'm going to have to dig them out!

This is when I revealed my secret weapon. (Yelling)

Chad: Wipe that stupid smile off your face! If you act cheerful about digging stitches out of me (without painkillers!) I'm going to leave. (And I'll be slashing all of your tires)

She shut up and went to work with what I think was a pair of cuticle scissors. The fact that she didn't appear to know how to handle them should've been apparent by the shape of her cuticles. She had the hands of a disabled welder.

Now - in pain - I was sent to the Dream Team to ONCE AGAIN schedule my excisions.

Instead of recounting my experience with them for you, just stick your head in the refrigerator and slam the door a couple of times. You'll get the idea . . .

Now I have a new appointment on Thursday. Which means that my stitches need to come out sometime when I'm in Prague.

Matt promised to take them out for me.

I better remind him to pack some scissors and an ice pick.

Itching like a dirty dirty whore

Recently I went into a dermatologist's office to have some 'suspicious moles' looked at as recommended by my friend Natalie.

Actually my friend Natalie, an oncology nurse, didn't exactly say I should have them looked at. We were in Mississippi (read: drinking heavily in the deep South) when she starting scanning our friend, Heather and myself.

"Jezzussshh! Youu sshould reaally have thozze looked attth!"

With advice like this I could've said I wasn't concerned, but I'd risk drunk Natalie trying to scoop them out with a potato peeler and some vodka. So I just promised I would.

"Ohhh Naaataliiieee. Offf coouuursshe I willl . . . "

This is how I found myself in Denver Dermatology at 11:45 when my appointment was scheduled for 11:00. Keep in mind this is a dermatology office. Not an emergency triage. There wasn't a line ahead of me. I was the only person IN the waiting room. Well . . . eventually a burly woman who I referred to as "Clark" in my own head arrived around 11:15. When Clark was brought back after a 10 minute wait it occurred to me that the front desk staff - who I have dubbed "The Dream Team" - forgot about me. How the FUCK you forget about someone who is sitting RIGHT in FRONT of you is beyond me.

Anyway. . .

An hour after I arrived I was brought back and given a body scan (humiliating) and then had 2 punch biopsies taken. Martha accompanied me to the dermatologist's office for A) morale support and B) her credit card because I? decided to cancel my health insurance to pay for my gym membership (which I no longer go to). While I'm being given the local anesthetic Martha strikes up a conversation with my medical assistant, Yolanda. They were cooing over the pros and cons of getting your eyebrows tattooed (slightly less humiliating).

Did I take pictures of me getting my body scanned by doctor awkward touch? Yes. Did I send them to Natalie AND Matt? Yes.

Doctor Awkward Touch and Sharpie Eyebrow Yolanda stitched me up after removing two pieces of my chest meat that looked like bloody cigarette butts. So now I have to reschedule a time to have the stitches removed.

Back at the front desk the Dream Team is trying to reschedule me. I have 3 days off every week and they're all weekdays. It shouldn't be that hard.

"Yeah." Miss Dream Team smacked her gum while talking "It's going to be hard. Because you have to come in two weeks from now to have your stitches out so the skin doesn't overgrow."

Okay. I can do any Monday, Thursday, or Friday. Just pick a day and I will be here.

"Yeah. Ummm . . . but nobody's going to be in the office because of labor day so we can't do Monday."

Be that as it may - I gave you a window that represents 60% of your business hours. You can find a space.

"Yeah. I'm going to have to check with my office manager because nobody's going to be here. Because of Labor Day."

Labor day is in ONE week. So when I come back in TWO WEEKS it shouldn't matter. Unless, of course you people get like 10 days off for labor day.

"Shoot." Blowing bubbles with her gum. "Did I get the wrong week?"

**********

So today when I got a message from Miss Dream Team saying that my biopsy showed abnormal cells I needed to schedule a biopsy.

I swear to God. I will kill this girl.

I know these cells were 'abnormal' hence the BIOPSY that you're calling with the results to. The results, I might add, that you have yet to give. Did I hear cancer or cancer free come out of your gum smacking mouth? Not yet!

So now I have scheduled a biopsy to see if there's any danger in the cells that they found abnormalities on in my first biopsy.

Does your head hurt yet?

If it's any consolation, that's nothing compared to how Miss Dream Team's head will hurt after I hit it with my shoe until bubbleyum starts leaking out of her ears.

AND my stitches itch so bad I'm sure that people at work think I have scabies. (the humiliation just doesn't stop.)