Sunday, January 3, 2010

Lather, Rinse, and Repeat (If Time Permits)

I think that the Bill of Rights needs to include an amendment dedicated to looking your best. I don't care what angle it was written from - but it totally should've been in there.

The lost amendment from the Bill of Rights:
The right to do your best to attract the opposite sex for purposes of procreation.
The right to maintain an appropriate level of personal hygiene so your neighbors aren't tempted to kill you.
The right to not smell like a week-old abortion that's been setting out in the sun

The possible ways to spell it out for Americans are vast!

What brings this up in my head is Boulder, CO. Boulder - fucking - Colorado is known to most as being this hippie community of pretentious vegans who insist on wearing Birkenstocks on their way to sing "Kumbaya" and hug their proverbial trees. To anyone close enough to Boulder to be constantly barraged with their horseshit - you know it goes deeper.

First of all - Boulder is for the rich. And who are we kidding. We hate these fuckers. I'm convinced - CONVINCED - that the outdoorsy attitude of Boulder is JUST so these assholes can buy the most expensive gear to show off, then kind of parade it around for a while before going home and telling people how avid they are about their new said sport.

They buy bicycles that cost about as much as my last car and you know it's been outside once. Its probably collecting dust in their climate controlled garage next to their Porsche Cayenne and the tote of rock climbing gear that they've never touched.

Boulder people are also all about nature. Not in the "I'm going for a walk in the woods way" - but in a "how can I let people know I'm 100% natural?!" way. Their dreadlocks and patchouli are for your benefit. Not theirs.

Normally, I don't care about Boulder because I stay the hell away. It's just as well - because I don't have a ski rack on my car and I wear deodorant I'm probably not welcome there anyway.

All this being said, Boulder is beginning to concern me.

Sure Boulder is full of these weirdos, but it also has people who live there for the sole purpose of attending CU. CU students warrant my pity because they may not necessarily belong amongst these green-to-a-fault people, but have to adapt as best they can regardless.

Case in point: CU is testing out restricted shower times. Exactly how is still up for fine-tuning, but the popular method is to have the dorm shower water turn off after either 5 or 10 minutes, at which point the water will either shut off, or the pressure will deplete. Then there will be a predetermined amount of time before the water can come back on.

For me - being a boy, 10 minutes seems fair. Five minutes? That's not "showering" - that's getting wet. And as I said - I'm a BOY. I can't imagine what girls will do. There's armpits to be shaved, legs to be chemically shorn, and God knows what else! Even 10 minutes means that corners are gonna have to be cut.

How does this affect me? Well, in Boulder it may be acceptable to walk around with hairy legged women and the faint smell of B.O. lingering in the streets - but anywhere else? No. I'm worried that any success seen in Boulder will transfer to the rest of Colorado and eventually the world! It wouldn't be too difficult to create a proposal for limited hygienic activities and use Boulder as the perfect example of how a city population can function normally. It's just not fair.
That's like rationing food and saying - "Hey, but look at this Sally Struthers country! They function day to day on one chicken head and all the dried milk they can choke down!"

Fuck you Boulder. When Colorado had rations put on yard watering I vowed that if it went any further I'd throw a fit. Cutting down shower time? This is my time to make good on my threat.

Hopefully it won't get that far and the Boulder transplants will lose their shit. I pray that when their shower water turns off when they're in mid-lather - they will jump out, wild eyed and start terrorizing the showers Norman Bates style.


  1. You mean not only will the students be annoying and nasty, but my nose will be assulted as well. Grreeeeeaaaaat! I better start carrying body spray in my purse to spray on everyone I encounter!

  2. Awwe and JUST when I though Boulder was starting to grow on you ;)