Sunday, January 24, 2010

Somedays . . .

When I woke up this morning I knew I was going to have a completely unmotivated day. How exactly does one go through a day doing nothing without anyone looking at you and thinking "Pfft. Lazy."?

Well . . . here's how:

6:45am: Wake up and stare around my bedroom for about ten minutes.

6:55am: Read. History's Worst Inventions and the People Who Made Them. Right now I'm on landmines.

7:30am: Make executive decision not to shave (I can go weeks before anyone notices - so what's the point?) Move directly on to brushing my teeth.

7:34am: Decide I need a soundtrack for my shower. Spend next two minutes hitting the next button on my iPod's random play until I find something just right for lathering.

8:30am: Leave for work at the Butterfly Pavilion.

8:42am: hit gridlock traffic on I-25. When there's a traffic jam it gives neighboring cars ample opportunity to catch me singing Miley Cyrus in my car. I still do it though. Damn.

9:25am: Text message Butterfly Pavilion to say I'm going to be late for my shift . . . that started twenty-five minutes before . . .

10:00am: Executive decision. I'm already late. I may as well get a delicious iced mocha.

10:12am: Walk into Starbucks. The long line of church going folk gives me enough time to work myself into sweaty panic when I see Josh is the barista. Josh judges girlie drinks. I'm considering putting a kibosh on the mocha and ordering a shot of whisky and an open can of beans. I will then eat said beans while scratching myself and spitting on the floor.

10:13am: Order mocha out of habit. Crap.

10:15am: Josh gives me my drink and tells me its not a girlie drink (read: it's TOTALLY a girlie drink)

10:27am: Strut into Butterfly Pavilion like I'm not an hour and a half late. You just can't control traffic jams, people.

11:00am: My supervisor, Kris, asks me if I'd be available to mentor a new girl, Alicia next week. Because I? Am amazing. Not unmotivated, not late, and certainly not sipping my iced mocha while I'm telling everyone how I was stuck in traffic all morning yet somehow was still able to obtain caffeine. (Alicia - just don't do what I do. You need a certain panache to get away with the crap I get away with. It also helps if you can cry on command.)

12:00pm: Sit at Tide Pool, our exhibit for aquatic invertebrates, for an hour. May or may not have fallen asleep.

1:00pm: Gossip with Khanh about how absolutely creepy Patrick, the new janitor is. This takes about 20 minutes. The guy is creepy.

1:21pm: Off to lunch. Khanh tells me while I'm at lunch to find her a key lime pie. Haha.

1:30pm: Whole Foods. Delicious turkey wrap. No Naked juice for me. I refuse to pay four bucks for juice.

1:36pm: Wendy's. Delicious Iced tea.

1:45pm: Whole Foods again. TOTALLY getting Khanh a key lime tart. I'm just awesome like that. I also pay four bucks for a Naked juice (What? They're good!)

2:00pm: Re-strut into Butterfly Pavilion with enormous iced tea, Naked juice, and Key Lime tart in tow.

2:10pm: Take Sunshine, our tortoise for a walk through conservatory. Zone out for next 30 minutes.
2:45pm: Wander through conservatory with Khanh. We're trying to decide the perfect place to hang a rotting orange for the butterflies to suck on. That tree? No. That tree? No.

3:25pm: Leave conservatory before Khanh makes me do a "Butterfly Encounter" for the visitors. I decide my time will be better spent in the gift shop talking, once again, about the creepy new janitor, Patrick.

3:35pm: We decide that we're going to always refer to each other as "Heather" whenever Patrick is around to see if he's confused.

3:37pm: Patrick is sweeping near Kim. I run up to Kim and squeal "Hi Heather!". I run away giggling.

3:38pm Kim comes over to all of us and tells us how Patrick said "Did he just call you Heather? I thought your name was Kim." Kim stared blankly at him.

3:40pm: There is now 6 of us huddled together in the gift shop discussing how someone walked into the family bathroom to discover Patrick inside with his pants off. Creepy janitor.

3:50pm: There is an event in our ballroom. A funeral . . . or wedding . . . something. I'm not sure. I decided my time was better spent giving Sunshine, the tortoise a bath.

3:53pm: Bathe Sunshine then make her a delicious cobb salad. Spend next 20 minutes staring at wall of tarantulas. Literally just staring at a wall of tarantulas. 20 minutes. And I couldn't be more content.

4:20pm: Find wounded Atlas moth. Cuddle it like a baby for 15 minutes then place it on a tree. The perfect tree. I know because it took Khanh and I a while before we placed our orange there almost two hours ago. The Atlas moth doesn't seem impressed by our orange. Smug little prick.

4:40pm: Feed Crustaceans and horseshoe crabs. Talk to them in baby talk using words like "num-nums"

4:45pm: Instead of answering questions from visitors I get involved in much more scientific conversation with Khanh and John. Who, out of the three of us, would provide the most enticing poo for the dung beetles. I let them argue, knowing secretly that it's mine. (Naked juice people. Naked juice.)

5:00pm: Go home. Check Josh's blog to make sure there isn't a new post that says anything about girlie drinks. (There wasn't. Phew! Just more haiku. Love them.)

9:45pm: Decide to take a break from doing nothing and walk the two blocks to Whole Foods for dinner.

9:54pm: Walk right past Whole Foods and directly into 7 eleven. Whole foods three times in one day? That's insane. (Actually, that's just how I rationalized my decision to have pizza combos and Reese's dark chocolate peanut butter cups for dinner.)

10:00pm: decide to document my day. From now on when someone asks me what I've been up to and I say nothing - here's the proof.



  1. Sunshine is so cute! And I already believed your days went pretty much like this )

  2. And now I feel even worse about my day... sigh.... you win... you had a much better/enjoyable day! Please teach me your ways!

  3. *sigh*...YOU DON'T DRINK A GIRLIE DRINK! *&# D@M(#*!!!

    And other than that, I don't know what to say. Your day sounds SOOOO full it can't possibly be considered lazy. By all means, the thought it takes to maneuver such obstacles and create such great laughter opportunities is absolutely marvelous! I am truly envious of your ability.

    And back to the damn girlie drink:

    Definition: Decaf tall/grande (Never oh never a venti because it's just too much), non-fat, no foam, some sort of skinny latte (which refers to the sugar free options of Vanilla, Cinnamon Dulce, Hazelnut, or Caramel; usually sticks to Vanilla because the flavor is still overly sweet, complex and disgusting). Mocha's aren't girlie, unless it's like a 1-pump white mocha. Please be advised: YOU DON'T DRINK A GIRLIE DRINK! And don't go talking to Gracie about it either. She agrees with me. AND I'M NOT JUDGING YOU BY YOUR DRINK! Bah.

    And thanks for the wonderful shout-outs and recommendations to others in regards to my blog/Haiku. And thanks to your inspiration, as well.


  4. Oh yeah! THE TORTOISE! Still need to see her... it's a her right?... Shall make an expedition to the Butterfly Pavilion here soon.