Well . . . here's how:
6:45am: Wake up and stare around my bedroom for about ten minutes.
6:55am: Read. History's Worst Inventions and the People Who Made Them. Right now I'm on landmines.
7:30am: Make executive decision not to shave (I can go weeks before anyone notices - so what's the point?) Move directly on to brushing my teeth.
7:34am: Decide I need a soundtrack for my shower. Spend next two minutes hitting the next button on my iPod's random play until I find something just right for lathering.
8:30am: Leave for work at the Butterfly Pavilion.
8:42am: hit gridlock traffic on I-25. When there's a traffic jam it gives neighboring cars ample opportunity to catch me singing Miley Cyrus in my car. I still do it though. Damn.
9:25am: Text message Butterfly Pavilion to say I'm going to be late for my shift . . . that started twenty-five minutes before . . .
10:00am: Executive decision. I'm already late. I may as well get a delicious iced mocha.
10:12am: Walk into Starbucks. The long line of church going folk gives me enough time to work myself into sweaty panic when I see Josh is the barista. Josh judges girlie drinks. I'm considering putting a kibosh on the mocha and ordering a shot of whisky and an open can of beans. I will then eat said beans while scratching myself and spitting on the floor.
10:13am: Order mocha out of habit. Crap.
10:15am: Josh gives me my drink and tells me its not a girlie drink (read: it's TOTALLY a girlie drink)
10:27am: Strut into Butterfly Pavilion like I'm not an hour and a half late. You just can't control traffic jams, people.
11:00am: My supervisor, Kris, asks me if I'd be available to mentor a new girl, Alicia next week. Because I? Am amazing. Not unmotivated, not late, and certainly not sipping my iced mocha while I'm telling everyone how I was stuck in traffic all morning yet somehow was still able to obtain caffeine. (Alicia - just don't do what I do. You need a certain panache to get away with the crap I get away with. It also helps if you can cry on command.)
12:00pm: Sit at Tide Pool, our exhibit for aquatic invertebrates, for an hour. May or may not have fallen asleep.
1:00pm: Gossip with Khanh about how absolutely creepy Patrick, the new janitor is. This takes about 20 minutes. The guy is creepy.
1:21pm: Off to lunch. Khanh tells me while I'm at lunch to find her a key lime pie. Haha.
1:30pm: Whole Foods. Delicious turkey wrap. No Naked juice for me. I refuse to pay four bucks for juice.
1:36pm: Wendy's. Delicious Iced tea.
1:45pm: Whole Foods again. TOTALLY getting Khanh a key lime tart. I'm just awesome like that. I also pay four bucks for a Naked juice (What? They're good!)
2:00pm: Re-strut into Butterfly Pavilion with enormous iced tea, Naked juice, and Key Lime tart in tow.
2:10pm: Take Sunshine, our tortoise for a walk through conservatory. Zone out for next 30 minutes.
2:45pm: Wander through conservatory with Khanh. We're trying to decide the perfect place to hang a rotting orange for the butterflies to suck on. That tree? No. That tree? No.
3:25pm: Leave conservatory before Khanh makes me do a "Butterfly Encounter" for the visitors. I decide my time will be better spent in the gift shop talking, once again, about the creepy new janitor, Patrick.
3:35pm: We decide that we're going to always refer to each other as "Heather" whenever Patrick is around to see if he's confused.
3:37pm: Patrick is sweeping near Kim. I run up to Kim and squeal "Hi Heather!". I run away giggling.
3:38pm Kim comes over to all of us and tells us how Patrick said "Did he just call you Heather? I thought your name was Kim." Kim stared blankly at him.
3:40pm: There is now 6 of us huddled together in the gift shop discussing how someone walked into the family bathroom to discover Patrick inside with his pants off. Creepy janitor.
3:50pm: There is an event in our ballroom. A funeral . . . or wedding . . . something. I'm not sure. I decided my time was better spent giving Sunshine, the tortoise a bath.
3:53pm: Bathe Sunshine then make her a delicious cobb salad. Spend next 20 minutes staring at wall of tarantulas. Literally just staring at a wall of tarantulas. 20 minutes. And I couldn't be more content.
4:40pm: Feed Crustaceans and horseshoe crabs. Talk to them in baby talk using words like "num-nums"
4:45pm: Instead of answering questions from visitors I get involved in much more scientific conversation with Khanh and John. Who, out of the three of us, would provide the most enticing poo for the dung beetles. I let them argue, knowing secretly that it's mine. (Naked juice people. Naked juice.)
5:00pm: Go home. Check Josh's blog to make sure there isn't a new post that says anything about girlie drinks. (There wasn't. Phew! Just more haiku. Love them.)
9:45pm: Decide to take a break from doing nothing and walk the two blocks to Whole Foods for dinner.
9:54pm: Walk right past Whole Foods and directly into 7 eleven. Whole foods three times in one day? That's insane. (Actually, that's just how I rationalized my decision to have pizza combos and Reese's dark chocolate peanut butter cups for dinner.)
10:00pm: decide to document my day. From now on when someone asks me what I've been up to and I say nothing - here's the proof.