Friday, January 29, 2010

Whores, Cops, and Sumo Wrestlers

My friend Zahra came over for pizza tonight.

Well, that's what I'm hoping the employees and patrons of Benny Blanco's Pizza infer.

Actually she just stopped by my apartment while she was waiting to meet some out-of-towners for dinner after they arrived at DIA. We (I) decided to walk down the block for pizza. Here is where the most illicit block long walk of my life took place. I blame the moon.

I walked out of my building to meet Zahra, who had just pulled up and parked across the street. While I stood on the sidewalk and waited for her to slooooowly climb out of her car (I think she just had bilateral hip replacements, but I thought it would be rude to ask . . . ) this girl walked by me on the sidewalk. There wasn't anything noteworthy about her except she kind of reminded me of that British bitch from "The Devil Wears Prada". You know - that red-head who talks like she's chewing her face and you just want you take off your shoe and start hitting her in the face with it? No! Bad British girl!
Actually, I really like her. I understand that she's supposed to be a villain - but she's living out my fantasy of being nasty-for-no-reason to that creepy Anne Hathaway. . .

What the hell was I talking about?

Oh. Right. The girl on the sidewalk.

Like I said, nothing notable about her except, well . . . you know. Oh, yeah. And as she passed me she asked me very loudly "Would you pay me to fuck me?"

Zahra is still getting out of her car at this point so I just turn and roll my eyes.

This is one of those times where I have SO MANY snide remarks to spout back at her, but they all cause a traffic jam in my head. Instead of trying to loosen up the bottleneck of snarky retorts (which I'm really good at) I just give off the nastiest look I can muster. (which I'm REALLY good at) (I've developed a range of facial expressions that are unrivaled by anyone I know.)

As Hooker McNasty trawls down the street a cop pulls up next to Zahra (finally out of her car and joined me across the street) and myself. Does he inquire as to whether anyone here had been propositioned by a whore? No. In fact, he was very pleasant and just wanted to know if we had seen anyone running past us. Oh. And he was wearing handcuffs. Um, no. No, we haven't.

So the cop had him in handcuffs and then . . . blacked out? How did he get away with such a head start that the cop needed his cruiser? I dunno. I'm still pondering the hooker. (I never get hassled by hookers! I'm not some fat and/or old creeper. Right? If anything I, myself should be a hooker.)

Anyway - on our way to Benny Blanco's . . .

After some completely random guy gave me a dollar because, as he put it When you got somethin' you give somethin' (Oh yeah? Tell that to the streetwalker down the street) we finally arrived in the little pizza take out spot. And we were just. in. time. for Zahra to be hit on by what I believe to be a real live thalidomide baby all grown up. Never the one to cock-block I didn't want to ruin his game. Besides - I had pizza to order.

Because Zahra was on her way to dinner I was the only one eating. But since no one else knew that I decided to take advantage of my situation. I ordered 4 pieces of pizza because clearly there's two of us. I also got two drinks. This is must when you are convincing someone that all the food you just ordered is for more than one person.

Sometimes when I go too long without eating and I get fast food I also order 2 drinks. I may also elaborate (like any truly bad liar would) to the the fast food employee.

Fast Food Worker: "Okay, so you want 37 hamburgers? That'll be $4.50."
Me: "Thanks! Don't forget about my two drinks."
Fast Food Worker: "Oh, right. That'll be $7.00"
Me: "Great. It would have been awful to not get both drinks because clearly I'm not the only one eating"
Fast Food Worker: "uhhhh . . . "
Me: "I mean - what kind of person would order two drinks for himself? Not me! (nervous laughter)"

Then I usually run away.

The worst part about my block long adventure for pizza? When we got back to my apartment I started to wolf down my pizza and casually mentioned to Zahra that I hadn't eaten today. Zahra's response was You know - that's what sumo wrestlers do to slow down their metabolism and stay fat.

Zahra's kind of a bitch.

Now I can't even enjoy my pizza.

I still ate it though.

After all I suffered through it only felt right.


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  2. a.) If I am not enjoying carbs, I will see to it that no one else can either!!
    b.) The best part of your two drink order... you also did the typical, "I would like 4 biggie sized meals... with DIET COKE" haha! I would like to state that isn't judgment, cause I do it too!

    Ohhh great... All this talk about pizza and now I want pizza... God! Way to ruin my life Chad.... Now who's a bitch?!?! HAHAHA!

  3. don't worry, Zahra, I totally just ordered pizza too (thanks Chad! way to make things so damned appetizing!)