"With your looks and my know-how . . . "

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Matt has just discovered a little something I've done to amuse myself.

You see, my building's super - let's call him Igor - has announced that he may need to get in my apartment at some point today to install a carbon monoxide detector. I decided that the most entertaining thing for me to do is create a little shrine. It's actually closer to a nativity scene - with stacks of cardboard boxes in place of wise men, sheep, donkeys, whatever the hell else was around. Instead of a cradle of hay or whatever - I have, as the centerpiece, an open box with clothes crammed inside. Instead of the baby Jesus? I have a bottle of Liquid Silk (best lube out there people!) and a shiny new pocket pussy - complete with labia!! At the moment that's just about all that's in my living room. The nativity scene from Toys in Babeland.

I've always been this way. I just get a thrill out of getting unusual rises out of people. I have cornered the market on what I call the "uuuhhhhhhh . . ." reaction. It's fitting because Matt always gets the "ooohhhhh!!!" reactions. Always.

Matty has always been the hot one, while I've been more jaunty. I think everyone has a friend like Matt - where no matter what you're doing or when - Matt is always getting the better reaction out of people. Matt and I can be dressed identical from head to toe. Know what we'll hear? "Matt! You look SOOOOO good!!"

This? NEVER gets old. Matt always gets hit on by EVERYONE - I get psychopaths with MS and a humpback dry humping me in public. No kidding. It happened last weekend. And yes, I got to see said "hump". Hot. My friend, Murdoch literally had to stage a distraction so that I could escape Quasimodo.

My only chance to be noticed by anyone normal is to have Matt far away. Far faaaaaar away.

Since Matt being far far away makes life really boring it would seem I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Not so. I do what any creature would do when faced with the obstacle of not being the center of attention - I've adapted. If I can't be noticed for my suave beauty, I'll damn sure get noticed by my actions. Enter my use of previously mentioned sex toy. hehe.

I actually have a history of sex toy hijinks.

Shortly after 9/11 I was traveling from Boston to New York with an 18" double ended, sparkly purple dildo in tow. It was a gift for a friend and when Natalie and I had to take it through airport security I jumped at the chance to carry it! Logan International airport was where one of the planes was hijacked from - so a few months later there's SURE to be incredibly beefed up security - right? I was picturing these security guards going through my bag and extracting the half yard dong in a crowded place. I find it's usually these people who are embarrassed by this scenario - not me. So what perfect payback for all the times I've been hassled outside the metal detector. Take THAT, airport security! Make me take off my shoes, will you? Well have a look through my bag!

As it turned out - Logan airport security was not very thorough. It was basically a fat guy in a folding chair asking if we were terrorists. I repeat - the beefed up security at an airport that recently had a plane hijacked during 9/11 is now being secured by a fat, lazy guy with gin blossoms and a Boston accent. Come to think of it, it could have been a Kennedy

"You guys don't have any-eh bombs do yeh?"

"No sir"

"well-eh. Then go ahead."

No embarrassment that day.

So this is my time to shine! Right now Matt is at home, probably telling his wife about the hoards of people craning their necks to get a look at his smokin' hot bod. Meanwhile I'm sitting in my apartment on the corner of 13th and Clarkson - anxiously waiting to create an awkward situation for Sven.

Maybe I should put some raunchy porn on too. Now lets see - do I have anything with a good old fashioned blumpkin scene??